Category: FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz

Recalling An Island Called Depression

On By femmefuelIn April 2011 (April Showers...), Best of Sasha Katz, FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz2 Comments

By AbbyA

After a few years of disappointment, my prayers to God started with a heart that needed her daddy so badly, but quickly took a left turn to bitterness.  My needs were so great, my well so dry.  I started to turn my cheek to my God who seemed to be failing me.  As my once strong and deep connection to Him filled with static and sadness, I floated away from Him…only to find myself lonely and depressed.

If you are like me, at some very down times in your life, you have said to God…although I need you very much, I am not going to ask you for help or wisdom anymore because you are not going to do anything anyway.  That was the beginning of me chipping away at my own faith.  Creating an island for myself.  When you are on an island by yourself, already sad thoughts permeate the secret places where God once was the center.  It is sort of like pulling the plug on a powerful whirlpool that was generating the light in you.

Alone on an Island.  Floating in the dark.  The flicker of the light sort of makes you sadder.  You really want the light because it is familiar, warm and calling.  But what is takes to get up and head back (or forward) takes the last bit of energy that you really don’t know how to find within you.  The latter, most assuredly, is the trap of feeling depressed.  However do I get home when I am frozen here on my island?

Awhile back, driving to work, it came to me that I had been pretty argumentative and harsh towards God in my words and feelings.  It seemed to me that He had been silent for so long.  God said something like – – my child, in the way that I ask you not to answer another with argumentative, harsh words, I also refrained from answering you.  You were not aware enough to see my Hand at work and too lost to hear me.  In a flash, He showed me how patient He is.  In a quiet, omniscient way, He had been waiting for me to open the door for Him again.

I am a book-of-the-bible reader.  Devotions are for the in-between.  I like to read books of the bible and write notes.  That became hard for me, on my island, with so little inspiration.  For some months, it was even harder to read my old notes.   Professions of my gratefulness, unending faith in His prophetic promises and appreciation for the fullness of His word.  I hardly knew who that person was who wrote with such freshness and freedom in Him.  God has chosen the middle of the night and early morning to begin His changes in me.  Somewhere in the night, in a searching, sleepy way I asked Him about where again to start with His book.  Wherever would I start?  Malachi, Malachi and Malachi again.  Take a look at the excerpt from Malachi below.

“Your words have been harsh against Me,” Says the Lord, Yet you say, ‘What have we spoken against You?’  You have said, ‘It is useless to serve God; What profit is it that we have kept His ordinance, And that we have walked as mourners Before the Lord of Hosts?  So now we call the proud blessed, For those who do wickedness are raised up; They even tempt God and go free.’”

Then those who feared the Lord spoke to one another, And the Lord listened and heard them; So a book of remembrance was written before Him For those who fear the Lord And who meditate on His name.

“They shall be Mine,” says the Lord of hosts, “On the day that I make them My jewels.  And I will spare them As a man spares his own son who serves him.”  Then you shall again discern Between the righteous and the wicked, Between one who serves God and one who does not serve Him.  Malachi 3:13-18.

In the pressures, stress and disappointment of this life, we lose sight of following Him.  Where is He anyway?  We lose our freedom in Him and start to question our bondage to Him.  Bitterness.  Our words are harsh against Him.  Why isn’t He delivering me?  How far can I be stretched?  We begin to lose sight of His purpose.  We lose our way.  Alone on an Island.  But, He is there.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  Psalm 34:18.  He is praying for you.  Luke 22:32.  You are His.  I contemplate that, at the very time we are speaking harshly against Him, He is reading His Book of Remembrance of His jewel – – you.  He is quietly reading, meditating, remembering you as you really are.  A time will return when you see that.  His power will help you open the door to Him again.  For He is the way, the truth and the life.  John 14:6.  He will not leave you; He will come to you.  John 14:18.

I don’t know what has brought you to leave for your island or how deep your wounds are.  If you are on your island, I only ask you to rely on what you know to be true.  Whether or not you can believe you have the strength, your heart will return to Him.  His heart has never left you.  And, one day He will read to you from His book – -not only about the day you came home, but every last praise you sang of Him.  He is that faithful to you.  For you, my fellow sister, are His precious jewel.

. . . Until I See Him Again

On By femmefuelIn Best of Sasha Katz, FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, Love4 Comments

By AbbyA

Loss. We lose days as time passes. We lose time as days pass. Sometimes we lose our children from our view in the park – – even if just for a minute. Sometimes we lose our minds – – even if just for a minute. We lose pocket books and wallets. We lose keys and credit cards. Socks in the dryer. We lose innocence in maturity. Idealism in reality. Sometimes we lose sight. Sometimes we lose our way. But we never lose our faith.

I lost my dad in the cold of winter last year. My sweet dad with grey-blue eyes. He walked right into eternity before my eyes. The stepping into eternity was not a surprise to me. It was the sickness and dying that was not part of my understanding. I walked the hospital halls. I pet the big white horse of dog that came to comfort those on my dad’s floor. I listened to my dad talk for a while and then go back to rest. I watched my dad acknowledge doctors and visitors and drink juice and ice. Not knowing it at the time, I watched my dad see my children for the last time. I understood that my dad was coming home from the hospital for the last time. It is by His grace that we are saved and by His grace that our spirits enter into His presence. But it was very hard for me to find His grace in the physical act of dying.

My dad did not find it hard to find His grace in his sickness and dying. He believed – for real – that his God would never leave or forsake him. He believed in things like communion with God, honoring His commandments and sharing truths with love. He didn’t change in his dying. He simply became stronger in the spirit until eternal home and ultimate healing called him. And because of faith, my dad walked out of our earthly exit door and into His grace. Most assuredly, the painful experience of dying was erased as he walked through God’s front entrance and into the foyer of His joy.

Unlike the worthwhile pain of childbirth, death leaves you without a new life to distract you. Looking into sunsets and bright stars in the night resonate unreachable loss. The beating of the heart on the inside begs for just a little more time, a rewind. A go back. Inconsolable prayers asking God for the impossible. For a time, there is no room for healing. The pouring out of pain has to reach its end.

Our loving God gives us room to grieve. He whispers in places that were not complete even before the loss. He writes in fullness where there were pieces missing. He sings in perfection where there was lack. His handling of our humanness is a grand marker of His Godliness.

As He gently points me toward His plan, I find gratitude for the loss. Not for the loss of my dad. For God’s divine wisdom to allow temporary loss. It is in loss that we grow exponentially. Somehow the earthly losses cause us to gain in the spirit. Somehow the spiritual gain covers over the earthly loss. The covering does not extinguish the pain. It opens up the door to light in darkness. The covering is a shadow of the promise of eternity.

Through loss, God deepens our spiritual perception so that we can see what is just beyond the sunsets and bright stars in the night. He makes us aware that the beating of the heart on the inside is also beating for what is to come on the other side. I see my dad experiencing heaven. It is beautiful enough for me to receive God’s plan that brought him home too early and too young. My view gives me almost enough of my dad to settle my wish that he was here with me. I ponder that God planned it that way.

If I can grasp His wisdom, I may see that He pours Himself into my heart so that I desire to see Him in His fullness. The pouring out is a sort of introduction for seeing Him face to face. The pouring out sustains me and overflows me, but it doesn’t quench the cry in my heart for eternity. Isn’t it the same with our losses? His love sustains the loss, but His eternal promises sing us home. Until I see my dad again. Until I see my Heavenly Father face to face. I can be confident that anything lost will be found.

Mastering Your Bon Jovi Moment

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, LoveLeave a comment

By AbbyA

You can’t serve two masters. That is what pounced around my mind as I was trying to decide how to gloss over an important scheduling decision. I was trying to please two significant relationships by compromising my time with one and my truthfulness with the other. I really am not feeling transparent enough to tell you the scenario. You know by now that this is rare for me. In any case, remember Bon Jovi‘s Shot Through the Heart? That’s how the words, “You can’t serve two masters” pierced me. Not such a big deal in the end. I made the right decision.

A few days before, a new jogging acquaintance shared with me that she really couldn’t control herself when it came to food even in the face of diabetes. I literally ran into her a few days after my “You can’t serve two masters” experience. I had the idea to tell her that you can’t serve two masters – both God and food. Not sure in which direction she ran after that comment.

I work out with a group called CrossTrainers. We’re doing a study by Lysa Terkeurst called Made to Crave, Satisfying Your Deepest Desires with God, Not Food. Whether it’s food or something else that you’re craving – – really anything that you have an uncontrollable desire for, Lisa makes a lot of sense. She told this extraordinary story where, on the one hand, she was instructing her teenage son as to boundaries in a relationship he had gone too far with, and on the other hand, she was ready to congratulate herself on her hard day with her son by shoveling chocolate into her mouth. She says it was right then that Bon Jovi shot through her heart (my words not hers). How can we lead others, in their deepest need, to choose God, while we are feeding our own selves with food, instead of God?

Check out the study. If you don’t have the time, see how my Bon Jovi moment resonates with you. Have you made any recent decisions where you had to choose your Master? Did you choose right?

Take a Chance Somewhere Other Than Wal-Mart

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, LoveLeave a comment

image

By AbbyA

So, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. I walked the Wal-Mart aisles passing Valentine themed pillow pets that my daughter would love. Cardboard hearts full of chocolate that my son would love.  Stuffed Valentine bears with the year “2011” embroidered on the paw . . . I would have bought that for a high school boyfriend. I glanced at the fancy Hallmark section – – Mahogany façade showcasing all sorts of embossed deep red Valentine cards. I had a miniature rush like the tide coming in – – Pick something up for the husband? I say miniature because this genre of thought usually lasts only long enough for me to decide that it’s not that good of an idea. Note that my sick son is in the cart patiently waiting for me to grab a hamper and take him home for lunch.

What in the heck ever happened to Valentine’s Day in my life, in my marriage? Do I even have the nerve to find a babysitter and go out on this famously romantic night? What in the heck will we do without the kids to laugh with and talk to all night? Seems kind of spooky to think about gazing into each other’s eyes. That gaze holds 18 years of life clips. My old roommate Ann calls it the “good, bad and the ugly.” It is hard to know what clip will surface in that gaze. Hence, maybe it’s better to stay home.

Early on in my marriage, we thought the whole event was a waste of time – – guys with a single rose, couples everywhere, restaurants jam packed, women with red shirts, red skirts, red shoes, red undies. We would have way more goin’ on at home with take out and candles than dining out with a preset price and menu. And then somehow life sets in and time gets you from behind.

Do your marriage a favor this year. However good, bad or ugly it’s been. Do whatever you haven’t done in years past. Join the Valentine conga line. Sort of like you did in your twenties when you went to all of those weddings. Get yourself a red something and a reservation. I am going to take a chance. What about you?

The True, Eternal Time Keeper

On By femmefuelIn Best of Sasha Katz, FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, Transform Yourself3 Comments

imageBy AbbyA

Time.  There have been times in my life when I planned ahead.  I planned for who I would be and in what time of my life I would be “her.”  I planned for things like becoming a Supreme Court Justice and for being a stay at home mom.  I planned for a wedding before I had a date.  I planned for walking the red carpet in a very, large fancy dress to a charity gala in which I had raised a lot of funds.  I remember planning to be famous when I was four – – I insisted on wearing a night gown to school fancying myself to be different, and therefore, famous.  I planned on famous again when I was twelve making my brother take a video of me ballet dancing – – of course, the video would capture the priceless dancing of the young woman before her upcoming fame.  I always had something quite big in store for myself.  But in the deepest part of my heart, I often felt very small.

Time.  It is the planning ahead that minimizes the ups and maximizes the downs of this life.  I will have you know that I am neither a Supreme Court Justice nor a stay at home mom.  It is the planning ahead that later causes us to “discover” we have fallen short, taken a wrong turn or missed the mark altogether.  I have never worn a large, fancy dress anywhere (except to prom).  The calculation of time judges our understanding of our successes and failures.  And, finally, I am not famous.  The circling of numbers measures you.  It measures you.  How are you holding up under the weight of time?

Time.  The digital glow that gets you up.  The tick tock that pushes you out.  Alarm dings for when to leave, who to call, where to meet.  Married by thirty?  Boy and girl?  Keep trying.  Either way, get it done by thirty-five.  Did you have them potty trained by two? Were they reading by five?  Mortgage to pay by the tenth.  Kids to pick up by three.  Mouths to feed by six.  Work begins, work ends.  Client I missed?  Who can I text while I am waiting in line?  Grocery list?  Who will I call to set plans straight?  Efficient or not.  Behind or ahead.  You’re middle-aged by forty.

Time.  Feeling quite small under its suppression?  Mind you, it’s temporary.  There is a time not too far ahead of this temporal place.  Eternity.  Where there is no time.  Where a day is a thousand years and a thousand years is a day.  Where we arrive as the completed “her” without any planning ahead.  Where we wear large, fancy dresses and are quite famous in His eyes.  Where the depth of the mind and the sweetness of the soul replace the ticking of the clock.  Where we will be thriving in the light rather than striving in the shadow of time.

Time.  If you can catch the “what you planned” without fine sieving it through the net of time, you will find a few jewels.  You will find that you may have attended a gala event in lovely navy pants for a cause in which you raised some money.  You will find that God did not plan for you to be a Supreme Court Justice, but a lawyer and a very good mom.  You will find that feeling quite small is a reminder of the very big unfailing love that the Father has for you.

Time.  You will find that planning ahead is a journey in which time is not a marker or a judge.  You will find that planning ahead is about subject matter and substance.  It is about building a life and not a list.  It is about establishing principles and surrendering failures.  It is about coming home after being far away.  It is about a map that takes on many forms, but always brings you home.

Time.  This time I have with you.  I want to draw with you a map where the points of interest are subject matter and substance.  It is for the woman wearing many hats who desires a map that brings her home.  You will find this map to cover both the what we do and who we are.  It will change the way you plan ahead.  It will appeal to our familiarity with the temporal but set our minds on the true, eternal Time Keeper.  Love to you until next time.

When Everything is Clean

On By femmefuelIn Best of Sasha Katz, FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, Transform YourselfLeave a comment

imageBy AbbyA

Cleaning.  Did I say cleaning?  Where’s my mom?  She is the one who kept it all clean.  Did you spend time with your mom today or did you spend time finding out if she can watch your kids?  Kids.  I have a four year old girl with a curl in the middle of her brow who tells me how to pack up my Christmas ornaments.  Christmas.  How many meals can you eat in twenty-four hours?  Food.  If I eat everything that is left over from Christmas, then I can potentially deflate if there is nothing left.  Nothing left.  That would be me when I fall asleep with wet hair and the lights on.

Clean.  That would be my house on Mondays and Thursdays.  Thanks, Helena.  Mom.  She would be the person to whom I owe just about everything.  Including the mother I am to my kids.  One of the few things I am sure that I do well.  Kids.  Joy of my heart and light of my life.  Food.  Joy of my heart and light of my life.  That was a joke.  Food.  Take a look at Susie Larson’s Balance that Works when Life Doesn’t and the “F Word” will finally make sense AND take its rightful place in your life.  Something left.  That would be me when I lighten up and trust God that He has it all covered.

Clean.  Clean first the inside of the cup and the outside will also be clean.  Matthew 23.  That would be the moment in which my Christianity made sense to me.  Clean hands and a pure heart.  Psalm 24.  That would be the moment in which I understood that God knows my intentions when they are not apparent to anyone else.  Blessed is he in whose spirit there is no deceit.  Psalm 32.  That would be the moment when I realized that even my unintentional mistakes would be forgiven.  A lot left.  There is a lot left when everything is clean.

With so much ahead in 2011, I plan to find time to spend with my mom.  I plan to revel in the chants of my daughter – me and my mama and only me – when we are lying in bed together.  I look forward to Christmas time again so that I can remember how good He has been to me the whole year long.  I will remember to keep things clean and to get some help with that.  Helena, Mom, God, Kids, Food.  There is a lot left to give when everything is clean.

Kicking Off Your Master Plan

On By femmefuelIn Best of Sasha Katz, FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, Transform Yourself6 Comments

By AbbyA

January 2011.  The Daily Grind continues.  The Master Plan does not.  In other words, the Daily Grind will rock on.  But the Master Plan won’t kick off unless you plan for it.  Think not about the categorical boxes or time lines that tell you where you are.  Dig up the good stuff that seems far off.  Are you a talented CPA but used to dream about basketball?  Are you working 9-5 in a cubicle but design beautiful wedding cakes?  Are you changing diapers while thinking up a book on nutrition?  Wherever that dream went, find it, grab it.  Make it a Master Plan.

Think Big.  Start Light.  Grab a bound notebook and give it a date – – January 2011.  Jot down locations where you can start up your sport’s league.  Think about who would allow you to design their wedding cake.  Start collecting articles on the kid’s food revolution.  Add to it every week, every night, every month.  Once you have a handful of entries, write an outline of surfacing themes, tag your guiding principles and put action to the Master Plan.

Be clear, the Daily Grind is loud and the Master Plan is quiet.  The Daily Grind will Eat your Notebook in your Exhaustion.  It will Hide your Notebook in its Busyness.  The Daily Grind will Soak up your Dream like a Coffee Filter.  Dreams lost look like deflated balls.  Smooshed cakes.  Sluggish days devoid of backseat lightning to keep you moving.

Daily Grind keeps the world spinning round.  But it doesn’t set the spin in motion.  The Master Plan is the origination of the momentum.  It is the Steady Hand that gives you the dream.  It is the Voice of the Spirit that says you are capable and called to do one thing, but you were made to dream and do another.  Daily Grind and Dreams are Counterparts.  Both sides were drawn into Time.  Both Counterparts were Crafted into you.  No doubt, you can Occupy yourself Full Time with the Daily Grind.  But, without the Master Plan, the who you are will suffer loss in the long term.

The Even Greater Loss will be to the stale lives of those to whom you were meant to deliver your dream.  Someone who really needed to be part of something will not have a league to join.  Someone won’t have the chance to know you as a cake designer.  Someone won’t be enriched by your book bound wisdom.  If you already have lost a few Dreams, know that the Master Plan covers all sides.  The Master Plan will lead someone else’s ripe dream into the life of someone in need.  And, the Master Plan will give you yet another dream to construct into reality.  So, pick up your Notebook, your Cake, your Ball and your Book and venture into your Master Plan.  January 2011.