Category: FemmeBytes by JMathis

Batteries Not Included?

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

Husbands and gift-giving. It really is a hit or miss proposition, isn’t it? Either you have a husband who forgets to give you something entirely, or you have one who really means well, but ends up buying you some utterly useless gifts.

My husband is from the latter category.

I remember one year, my husband bought me the most beautiful cross pendant. It sat in my jewelry box for two years, because he didn’t think about buying a chain to accompany the pendant. Who does that? Did he just want me to stare at it and admire it from afar? I mean, this pendant was hardly the Hope Diamond for display at the Smithsonian.

Now I know how my daughter feels when she unwraps a gift, only to find that the batteries aren’t included.

Another year, he went to a high-end frame shop and spent an outrageous amount of money framing my diplomas as a gift. At one point, this would have been an extremely thoughtful gift, like when I was just a couple years out of law school, still beaming with pride. Instead, this gift comes ten years after graduation, when I could care less about my past achievements, because frankly, I’m too exhausted to care and too busy being smeared in kid poop and finger-paint. How about a night off from kid duty instead?

The classic, though, was on our FIRST wedding anniversary, and he surprised me by taking me to a fancy steakhouse. Sounds pretty good, you say? Well, it turns out this steakhouse is a glorified man-cave adorned with football paraphernalia, and I’m the only woman there that night at this cigar-smoking, scotch guzzling “old boys club.” Pretty romantic, huh? I guess all of the other women in town got the memo, because I surely didn’t. Oh, and did I mention that I don’t even eat steak???

I know I sound like a complete ingrate, and I honestly don’t mean to do so. My husband truly does mean well; my heart is genuinely warmed that he tries to do right by me, year after year.

However, every so often, I have to ask myself, “Does he really even know me?”

And, that’s when I realize that my husband doesn’t really know me in the way that I want him to know me.

Why? Because the way I want him to know me is based on fairy tales, Glamour magazine, soap operas and Harlequin romance novels—the stuff of pure fiction. More importantly, as Bindu said, he’ll never know how to fill all of the achingly-large God-sized holes in my heart.

I need to keep reminding myself, however, that he really does know me in all the ways that God intended for him to know me—in all the ways that really count.

Not as a mind-reader, and not as some all-omniscient gift-giving genie, but rather as my helpmate, friend, lover and companion.

And, that, is greater than any gift that he could ever wrap and give me…batteries included.

Chasing Cars

On By femmefuelIn Best of JMathis, FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

“Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.” –Unknown

I have a friend on Facebook who is a serial quoter. Every day she puts up a new quote that usually has zero significance or interest to me. I love her dearly, but sometimes all of this quoting just drives me bonkos. I mean, if I wanted to join the “quote of the day” club, I would have done so, right? (She will kill me when she reads this, by the way. Gulp.)

Yet, the other day, she posted the quote from above, which really caused me to stop and reflect about the entirety of my life (thank you, FB friend). I sat down and thought about all of this “chasing” that we do as women.

Chasing after men, chasing after kids, chasing for acceptance, chasing to please. It’s all so meaningless sometimes, as King Solomon would say, and yet a good chunk of my day is spent in the chase.

Like AbbyA, sadly, most of my pre-marriage days were spent in the chase of affection from men. I could write a telenovela screenplay about those days, but I’ll refrain (for the moment). Now, as much as I try to squash the impulse, most of my days are spent in the chase of pleasing ‘man’–not ‘man’, as in the male species, but ‘man’ in the generic sense–chasing the vanities and worries of humankind. Chasing the American dream, chasing the Parent of the Year award, chasing cars.

When Gary Lightbody, the frontman of Snow Patrol, was asked about the meaning of their song, “Chasing Cars”, he said that it was the “most pure and open love song [he’s] ever written.” The title, “Chasing Cars”, is actually a reference from Lightbody’s dad, who mentioned it to his son when Lightbody was obsessed with the affections of a certain girl: “You’re like a dog chasing a car. You’ll never catch it and you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you did.”

Ouch. Is that what we’re all doing everyday? Chasing metaphorical cars?

The heartbreaking thing is that we chase everything but the One Person who gives us love, attention and affection freely–the One Person who is actually worth the reward of a chase. We’re in the chase for everything, but yet at the end of the day, we’re in the chase for absolutely nothing of true meaning and eternal significance.

Meanwhile, our Heavenly Father waits. Waits patiently for us to embrace Him and all that He has to make us whole and complete.

He waits for us to stop running, to stop panicking, to stop vain pursuits, to stop worrying, to stop the cycle of hurt in our lives.

He sits there just waiting.

Waiting for us to stop…chasing cars.

In the Waiting

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

So much can go wrong when you are A Lady in Waiting.

You lose your love. No wonder no one will love me. I’m disgusting. I hate myself for what I have become.

You lose your joy. What’s the point of hanging out with my best friend? She’s married; she just doesn’t understand me anymore.

You lose your peace. What if he’s not calling because he thinks I’m psycho? What if he’s still interested in his ex? What if he’s just not that into me? What if? What if? What if?

You lose your patience. Why is it taking so long for me to meet The One?? I should just settle and go out with Dan. At least I know that he won’t beat me.  

You lose your kindness. If he’s taking this long to propose, he must be a jerk anyway. No guy is worth this wait…especially him.

You lose your goodness. It’s just one hook-up. How long is a girl supposed to wait? Forever?

You lose your faithfulness. God, where are you? Don’t you see that you have abandoned me? Are you even listening? Do you even exist?

You lose your gentleness. I feel like ripping his head off! What does she have that I don’t?

You lose your self-control. He’s probably The One, so what’s the point in us waiting to have sex? I just want to show him how much I love him.

The Fruits of the Spirit get trampled, discarded and lost In the Waiting. It is easy to compromise or lose yourself In the Waiting, as day after day, the tide of hopelessness sweeps in to erode your faith and your resolve.

Think of the Pinot Noir. A complex, rich wine bursting with aromatic intensity and a wide magnitude of subtlety in its notes and depth.

Yet, this wine is the most difficult to cultivate In the Waiting.

It is one of the most expensive and overly burdensome wines for a winemaker to grow, because the skin of these grapes is so thin and delicate—so easily susceptible to viruses, frost, disease and parasites (no wonder they are called “heartbreak grapes”). The fermentation process is so violent that it requires an inordinate amount of patience for the winemaker to craft this wine to perfection.

Yet, the end result is worth waiting through this difficult and temperamental process of cultivation and fermentation: a wine that is elegant, bold, velvety, bright and tantalizing in all of its nobility.

You are worth the wait, ladies.

In the Waiting, there are daunting challenges, where you begin to doubt God and self. Your delicate shell is constantly being assaulted by fear and questioning. However, when your Fruits of the Spirit are tested and strained, know that your faith in God will result in unparalleled beauty and richness in your life and your relationships.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

The Lord will never leave you alone or defenseless In the Waiting. He is there to cultivate you into something sweet and lustrous–into a fruit bursting with flavor and life.

Will you just trust Him?

Gotta Love Those Pesky Boundaries…

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)2 Comments

By JMathis

It is the initial, small decisions that lead to eventual, large moral blunders,” says AbbyA.

Yeah, how about that rather minor decision to not get involved with the opposite sex, in the first place?

Honestly, sometimes I feel as if the world would be better off without the complicated morass of feelings and emotions between men and women.

Men enjoy the presence of other men. Women enjoy the presence of other women.

So, why do we screw it all up? Didn’t we all have a better understanding of the world in first grade when boys were just gross and girls all had cooties?

Ahhh, it must be that whole sex thing.

I think When Harry Met Sally captured it best:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally: Why not?

Harry: What I’m saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don’t.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don’t.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail ’em too.

Sally: What if they don’t want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.

Harry: Guess not.

Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

Speaking from personal experience, I think there’s a lot of truth in this famous scene.

In college, I had a ton of close guy friends in my circle—kind of like a flirty set of brothers who always had my back 24 hours a day. Unfortunately, these friendships just could not hold when each of us eventually broke away from our core group of friends to start dating someone from outside of this circle.

The girls outside of the circle were always jealous of the girls inside of the circle—that somehow we knew their boyfriends better than they ever would.

The girls on the inside of the circle felt perpetually threatened by the newness, freshness and hotness of the girls outside of the circle.

The boys on the inside of the circle felt less manly than boys chosen from outside of the circle, and the boys outside of the circle were always worried about getting sloppy seconds from the boys inside of the circle.

Then to top it all off and make matters worse, once new people from the outside were introduced into our circle, the boys and the girls on the inside suddenly started seeing each other in a different light–no longer as friends–and then started swapping partners and exes as quickly as they did on Beverly Hills 90210.

It was an incestuous train wreck of high drama that eventually collapsed like a deck of cards.

To this day, there is “weirdness” in all of my old friendships because sex, feelings and emotions got in the way of what initially started off as pure and innocent friendships.

This weirdness exists even today—a whole lifetime after my college years—because there was no respect of boundaries at that time. Flirty “brothers” became flirty lovers who turned into fighting exes who started dating your flirty “sisters”, leaving you with an underwear drawer full of ex-boyfriends and ex-best friends.

“It is the initial, small decisions that lead to eventual, large moral blunders,” says AbbyA.

Perhaps the best initial, small decision you can ever make is to respect boundaries.

1) Getting too emotionally involved with a work colleague: messing with boundaries.

2) Engaging in Facebook chats with someone you had a crush on in high school: messing with boundaries.

3) Sending a suggestive TwitPic of yourself to someone who is not your spouse: messing with boundaries (ahem…and this includes sending a pic to someone who you are in a serious relationship with, but not married to…you never know when that one’s going to bite you in the…)

4) Falling in love with someone who is not a Christian: messing with boundaries.

Sticking to your God-given boundaries helps you to avoid large, moral blunders.

Respect those boundaries. They’re there for a reason.

Boys, Fathers, Husbands, Boyfriends and Everything in Between

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)2 Comments

By JMathis

So much of our girlhood and identity as women is defined by one thing:

Boys.

Last fall, I caught my three year old daughter KISSING (mouth, tongue, saliva) a three year old boy from her class. I just about had a heart attack and thought, “Am I supposed to be talking to her about boys now?”

I tell my husband and he gives me this Daddy’s-Little-Girl is Doing What? look. I shoot him right back down with my evil gaze. “You talk to her about boys! You’re the DAD! She needs to hear it from a guy!! What do I know about what HE’s thinking? All of these shenanigans are clearly from YOUR side of the family!” Honestly, I think he was about to faint from a combination of sheer rage and the sad realization that he will not be the only guy in her life one day.

Fathers.

You either have a crappy father, middle-of-the-road father, or a World’s Greatest Dad, but in all cases, you have only one Heavenly Father. Whether you realize it or not, any boy in your life has to contend with the consequences of how well you have reconciled yourself to both your earthly father, as well as your Heavenly Father.

I have a friend, Tanya, whose dad was pretty much a non-existent louse while she was growing up. Who does she exclusively date? Yup, guys 2 times her age. Daddy issues, anyone?

Then there’s Stacy–the good girl who grew up with the SUPER-strict dad, but the only guy that makes her heart race is The Bad Boy. You come over to her place (again) to console her with a Costco-size box of Kleenex and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, while rolling your eyes thinking, “Umm, hello? Is she ever going to learn??”

Boyfriends, Husbands and the Guy Who’s Just a “Friend”.

One day, one of these little boys becomes a man—a man who swears his life to you, and promises to be with you until the end of days. You take his words at face value, get on the horse and carriage ride in Central Park, and take the plunge…all the while praying feverishly that his daddy taught him right and that your heart won’t get trampled on one day.   

Or, maybe you’re single and you’re dealing with the one guy who always seems to be over at your place. You’re either not sure where the “relationship” is going, or frankly, you don’t want it to go anywhere, but you’re too scared of being alone…maybe you’re just too chicken to tell him to leave?

Yeah, we know a few of those, too.

In this month of June, FemmeFuel tackles boys, fathers, husbands, boyfriends and everything in between. For better or for worse, it’s our version of Cosmo’s Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Guys Issue: why they make us quiver, why they infuriate us, why they mistreat us, why there are not enough of them around, why they’re just not that into you, and why God wants them in our lives.

Men.

Can’t live with them, can’t live without them, so might as well [                        ]…

You fill in the blank. After all, in terms of the mystery of guys, your guess is as good as ours.

Hearing God’s Voice in the Rain

On By femmefuelIn Best of JMathis, FemmeBytes by JMathis, May 2011 (Motherhood)Leave a comment

By JMathis

The whole world feels differently when it rains outside. We hurriedly rush indoors to stay dry and warm, and we often bemoan the fact that it’s so dark and dreary outside.

At the same time, when it rains outside, it’s the only time that I allow myself to really.slow.down on the inside: the inside of my house, the inside of my mind. When it thunders and roars outside, I cancel plans with friends and opt instead for prolonged cuddle sessions with my family, catch up on Academy Award nominated films from six years ago, or make indulgent comfort food from a cookbook that has been collecting dust on my shelf for years.

These storms are the only times in my life that I give myself permission to Eat. Pray. Love. No regrets, no worries, no stress and no counting calories. I fling the front door of my house wide open, stand in the overhang of my porch where I am safe and dry, and just watch in surrender as the rain pours down onto my driveway.

It is in these times that I hear the Lord.

AbbyA hears Him in her car, but I hear Him when it rains.

I hear words of safety, peace, healing, forgiveness and love.

How is it that I hardly ever hear Him at any other time? I don’t hear Him in my commute, I don’t hear Him when the phones are ringing off the hook in my office, and I don’t hear Him at the end of the day, as I attempt to clean up a house that manages to destroy itself daily with toys, laundry, and sticky, gooey fingerprints that pervade every nook and cranny of my domestic existence.

Yet I hear Him when it rains.

Perhaps that is the only time I actually create a space for Him where He can be heard.

After all, He is always speaking. Unfortunately, the pulsating rave beats of my daily life drown out the tender whispers of His presence.

Find your safe, comforting, creative and forgiving space, ladies, wherever it may be: cars, thunderstorms or while getting a massage. Find a space where time is not of the essence, and where keeping up with the Joneses is not a priority.

Go to the quiet and hear the voice of the Lord, even when it is raining fear, pain and worry outside. Hear Him speak healing over your infertility, your impending bankruptcy, your depression, your unemployment, your failing grades, your inability to find your soulmate, your low self-esteem, and the unforgiveness sitting in the deep recesses of your heart—unforgiveness towards yourself, your family, or your cheating spouse.

He is always speaking. Just create a space for Him where He can be heard.

Psalms 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God…”

2 Corinthians 3:17: “…where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

The Pinwheel of God’s Creation

On By femmefuelIn Best of JMathis, FemmeBytes by JMathis, May 2011 (Motherhood)Leave a comment

By JMathis

The beauty of a pinwheel swirling fervently in a summer wind is self-evident. The individual spokes of color spin together to create fury and majesty, in the backdrop of a young child’s squeals of delight.

Looking back, I wish I had reflected more on the holistic passion and energy of the pinwheel that constitutes the entirety of my life. Instead, my youth and naïveté have led me to dwell too long on any one given color that represents only a singular sliver and season of my days here on earth.

In high school, the green and gold of my high school colors made me feel secure in its familiarity, yet continually lost as I searched for my place in this world. Did I want to be popular? What about being an intellectual? How about a beatnik or a goth?

In college, the blue and orange of my large state school made me feel comforted by its hearty embrace, yet stifled by its uniformity. Is there anything else I have in common with these people other than a deep love for college football?

In law school, the maroon and gold of my small, Jesuit law school enabled me to nestle into the cocoon of an intellectually vibrant community, but with the paranoia that I was a big loser if I did not seek after the big bucks. Maybe the best way to advocate for the homeless is to make a lot of money, so that I can give them a hefty tax-deductible donation at the end of the year?

Now, it is the brown of the poop, the chocolate milk, the spilled coffee and the muddy sneakers that fill the expanse of my days—days simultaneously roiled in both laughter and motherly madness. How am I going to explain to the client that I spilled finger-paint all over his one and only set of original documents I took home to review?

 Life is moving far too quickly for any of us to grasp, ladies. You spend too long on any one spoke of color and you get stuck in a tunnel-vision of greys and blacks, failing to see the all-encompassing glory and magnificence of the spinning pinwheel which represents God’s overarching design and destiny for your life.

 Your life is a pinwheel of color and light, made to glorify your Creator. Spin it with all of your might (Luke 10:27), and step back to gaze at His strength and beauty which faithfully carries you from color to color, winter to spring, despair to delight, aimlessness to divine purpose.

2 Corinthians 3:18. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.