Counseling Sessions with God

On By femmefuelIn Uncategorized1 Comment

By JMathis

God and I have been in counseling for the past six weeks.

After all of this therapy, I can say that the relationship’s fallout was not a two-way street, but rather a clear case of, “It’s not you; it’s me.”

You see, I have been experiencing real difficulty in praying to God. It was getting to the point of where I never wanted to spend quality time alone with Him anymore.

Strangely enough, on the surface, it seemed like I spoke with Him quite a great deal.

I would wake up in the morning, say a prayer of protection with my daughter before beginning our day. I would say a prayer of strength before heading into my morning meeting. I would say a prayer of thanks for when the meeting concluded on a high note. I would say a prayer of blessing over my lunch. I would remember to say a prayer of encouragement for a hurting friend, or a prayer of healing for a sick relative. I would then end the day with my husband, where we said a prayer of praise to God for the bounty and miracles that took place that day.

It all sounded so good on paper.  

Except that I had lost passion for Him.

I had lost the desire to speak with Him. I had lost the joy in knowing Him.

I had lost intimacy with Him.

We were in a functioning marriage, but one where I didn’t feel like getting to know Him anymore.

I was treating Him like a roommate, and not a confidante.

I became very good at Please Pass The Salt, Thanks for Picking Up My Dry Cleaning, Here’s a New Grocery List and Don’t Forget to Pay the Rent, but little else.

I had forgotten that He was my Creator (“You made this entire universe just for me?“). I had forgotten that He was my Deliverer (“You set me free from generations of family curses?“). I had forgotten that He was my Rescuer (“You rescued me from a lifetime of bad decisions and poor choices?“). I had forgotten that He was my Savior (“You saved me from the consequences of my sin and the punishment of eternity in Hell?“).  

Most of all, I had forgotten that He was my Father, Brother and Closest Friend.

I had forgotten that the Bible was one, long love story written specifically to me.

(“You love me HOW much?“)

On a whim, I decided to enroll in a six-week Bible study on how to pray to God. I even rolled my eyes a bit when I registered, because I, Of Course, Already Knew How to Pray to God. What more could I possibly learn? At least it would be an opportunity to make  some new friends.

Six weeks later, I am a blubbering mess.

Sobbing repentantly in the car. Red-eyed and snotty-nosed over how I had mistreated Him. Wide awake about thoughts of how I can become even closer to Him.   

I had taken Him for granted. I had been unfaithful. Yet there He remained in my adultery: constant, faithful, unchanging and simply just waiting. Just waiting for me to get a clue.

I had forgotten all about My True Love and now I have found Him. Again.

Thank You, Lord, for a Second Chance. A Third Chance. A Seven Hundred and Sixty-Fifth Chance. For chances that number far higher than the stars above.

What a difference six weeks can make.

Are you ready for another chance at love?

I know I am.

Remembering God

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by Bindu Adai-Mathew, January 20121 Comment

by Bindu Adai-Mathew

Two weeks ago the very thing I had been dreading since last June finally happened. I saw my Instant Messenger icon flashing on my computer screen and saw it was our CIO messaging me, asking me to stop by his office. As I trudged to his office, I almost felt as if I were back in elementary school being called into the principal’s office. I listened as he went on about how after our company was bought by the new company, he was being pressured to create “synergies” in IT, which would require him eliminating close to 60 jobs, including mine.  As he droned on with his corporate-speak, I sat there numbly.

Here we go again. I had just gone through another layoff just a year ago. Ironically, when I arrived at my new company, I was almost relieved to find that all my co-workers had been working there the last 9 to 12 years. Finally, I had thought back then, a place where I could hang my hat up and stay at one place. And then six months into my new job, the announcement came that another company was buying ours, which would probably result in a massive layoff.

As shock gave way to worry, panic soon began to set it. I would not only have to find a new job, but I had to worry about insurance since I was the policy holder. What if I didn’t find a job quickly? What if no one wanted me? What if…

Those runaway thoughts morphed into a cloud of despair that hovered over my head for hours, and I found myself feeling overwhelmed, defeated, hopeless.

But finally, a ray of light…a thought…finally penetrated through the darkness. Hadn’t God provided before? Hadn’t this job alone and the experience I gained here already set me on a more secure career path? Why was I freaking out?

Again, my spirit prompted me to think of the children of Israel as they wandered through the desert. Despite everything God had done for them, every time they faced an obstacle, they panicked. God had parted the Red Sea, he had provided them with manna during the mornings, and fire to warm and guide them at night. Yet, they still doubted.

Our lives, too, can often feel like we, too, are wandering in our own desert. Lost, aimless, confused about where we are headed. But no matter how many obstacles we face or how often we face the same ones, we must remember to dig in our heels deep in our faith and wait expectantly and excitedly on our Lord. Because He WILL provide. In a few weeks, and maybe even by the next post, I cannot wait to give my praise report.

But as we wait, we must be diligent to do our part. We must find refuge in His Word, devouring it like our daily bread, so it can provide us with sustenance throughout the day. Sustenance when we get tired, discouraged, and hopeless.

Here is a passage of scripture that I’ve been meditating on for the past weekthat’s reminded me that He will always take care of His people and our part is to seek Him, trust Him, and find our refuge in Him:

Psalms 34

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;    his praise will always be on my lips. 2 I will glory in the LORD;    let the afflicted hear and rejoice. 3Glorify the LORD with me;    let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;    he delivered me from all my fears. 5 Those who look to him are radiant;    their faces are never covered with shame. 6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;    he saved him out of all his troubles. 7The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,    and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. 9 Fear the LORD, you his holy people,    for those who fear him lack nothing. 10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,    but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. 11 Come, my children, listen to me;    I will teach you the fear of the LORD. 12 Whoever of you loves life    and desires to see many good days, 13 keep your tongue from evil    and your lips from telling lies. 14Turn from evil and do good;    seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,    and his ears are attentive to their cry; 16but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,    to blot out their name from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;    he delivers them from all their troubles. 18The LORD is close to the brokenhearted    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 The righteous person may have many troubles,    but the LORD delivers him from them all; 20he protects all his bones,    not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;    the foes of the righteous will be condemned. 22 The LORD will rescue his servants;    no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Part 2: Walking Good Miles in Your Shoes

On By sashakatzIn FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, Love1 Comment

You have been through a lot.  So much that you can hardly recall.  Much is stored up in memory boxes of the heart.  You have childhood memories.  Holding your dad’s hand as you walk across the street.  Toy boxes.  Your little brother’s squishy hands and toes.  Your mom’s annual April Fool’s jokes.  Being queen for a day at grandmas.  You might remember road trips, camping trips or trips to time out.  For the most part, this memory box feels like warm sun on your face; it feels like licking an ice cream cone or sucking on a lollipop.  Whether sweet fantasy or true bliss, the good stuff drips down your chin, and since this is your childhood, you don’t mind at all.

The happenings of childhood are marked by innocence, naivety and blind love.  Children don’t pick birth places, living spaces or whether they get a silver spoon.  Children arrive into the environment prepared for them by imperfect human beings.  Your birthday suit probably did not include a tag stamped with equality, justice or life without bumps.  You got a partial clean slate, promises for good and a large serving of hope for who you just might be.

As time ticks forward, childhood innocence, naivety and blind love metamorphose.   As time ticks forward, who you are fills the space between your growing bones.  Independence and personal choice roll in.  As you discover the facts of your life, you can choose what may have been or you can choose to be who you were made to be.  In other words, you can choose to bloom or stay a sprout.

As you realize personal choice, you both stumble and discover over time spent becoming who you are.  If you check your memory boxes, there are whole periods of your life marked by an initial decision.   Whole periods of your life marked by an initial decision.  It is hard to imagine that there was an initial decision that defined a period of your life.  But that is how it happens.

Even if in the most subtle way, decisions are hued in darkness or light.  If you couldn’t see it then, you can see it now.  Looking behind you.  You may have thought there was one door of choice, but there was not.  There were at least two.  Perhaps the door you opened looked like the only one.  Perhaps that door was not wholly inviting, but it did appear to be the sole knob.  Looking back with later-found wisdom and clarity, you now see that it was not.

We all have our was nots.  Sometimes personal choice causes you horrible pain in remembrance.  Sometimes was nots make you feel quite stupid.  Sometimes it is unintentional mistakes that stab us in the chest for years to come.  Sometimes, should have, was not and wish for different compete to define whole periods of your life.  But no, that is not who you are.

You can walk good miles in shoes worn down by a few was nots.  In fact, you have walked many good miles in your shoes.  Perhaps some miles were not initially tagged as good, but eventually . . . your discoveries along life’s time line have healed you.  The memory box that used to haunt you is now covered by wisdom and truth.  It may be that it takes some time to get to these memory boxes; they are farther down your life’s time line.  But these boxes better represent the substance of you.  You chose to be who you are and the beauty of the box is remarkable.

The Psalm of You in Me

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, January 2012Leave a comment

 

By JMathis

What does You in me look like? Feel like? How does You in me change my chemistry, my fabric, my DNA?

Enough of just saying that You are in me. Enough of just holding you at arm’s length.

Me minus You is Lost. Fearful. Discouraged. You in me has Purpose. Vision. Fruit.

I have tried more of me. It is vanity. It is lonely. It is hard. The desolate paths remain barren and void.

Break me, Father, until I am no more. Take this stone-cold rock and soften it until it is moldable by You. Empty all that is me, until I bubble over with only You.

Show me what You in me can accomplish. Show me why You in me matters. Show me that You in me is all that I need.

Savior of the world, why me? Why us? I am unworthy of Love that is You, yet You shower me with it daily. The Mercy that is You overtakes me, even when I am obstinately full of me.

I am ready for rain. I am ready to taste Heaven. I am ready for You in me.

I surrender the darkness and the dry places. I surrender this yoke. I surrender my pride. I surrender it all, so that all is left is You in me.

You in me is my cry. You in me is my prayer. You in me is my desire.

You in me. Today.

You in me. Now.

You in me. Here. 

Selah.

2012

On By femmefuelIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

I have a confession to make. For probably the first time in my life, I was not looking forward to the new year. Typically each year, like to many people, symbolizes a new beginning for me…a renewed interest in my life, my dreams, a time for change—good change. This year, however, 2012 represented a continuation of the same old, same old. Same job instability (company announced a merger last year and I’m still unsure about my future at my company), same motherhood stresses (over the weekend, my daughter came down with yet another cold), same financial worries , same everything. To be honest, I felt so overwhelmed with the stresses of the latter part of 2011, that 2012 was as appealing  as a plate of fried liver.

But as the new year started, it hasn’t been that bad. Yes, I’m still wondering if I will be part of the efforts of my company to create “synergy”  (that’s a fancy word they keep using for layoff) between the new and old companies. Yes, my daughter got yet another cold from daycare (not bad in and of itself, but now my daughter’s smile resembles a hockey player ‘s after an accident resulted in the loss of two teeth last October and a common cold back in December quickly evolved into an ear infection and pneumonia.)    Life is hard, isn’t it, and the travails of motherhood and life are nothing to scoff at!    But, I was reminded in my quiet time, we still serve a Mighty God! The same God who created this universe. The same God who parted the Red Sea. The same God who defeated the enemy of His people over and over again. That same God can change my circumstances in an instant. That same God often allows these struggles in our lives to build character and perseverance in our hearts.

Lord, thank you for reminding me that you are still on the throne. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to be overwhelmed by Life, but that You will provide me with the ability to get through my challenges. Let me hide under the majesty of your wings. Let me rest there in my hiding place and just be…with You.

And let that not only be my new year’s resolution but my Life’s resolution.

Part 1: Colorful Confindence

On By sashakatzIn FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, January 2012Leave a comment

By AbbyA

You have been through a lot.  So much that you can hardly recall.  Your physical body is like a map or legend for a map.  You have been both walking and leading the way.  Your journey is embedded in the tiny lines that form around your well-worn smile.  It is the kind of smile that draws sweetness from the inside and makes sturdy promises in soft curves to the onlooker.

The depth of your life is stored in the reflection radiating out of your eyes.  You have the kind of deep eyes that the onlooker can see through.  Into knowledge resulting from well weathered storms.  Into an abiding pure white that comes from poured out trust over bumpy travels.  Into fertile ground where both new seeds grow and taller trees reach for the heavens.

Your life is volumes.  The chapters flow down in layered ruffles.  Starting at your neck line.  Moving down around your shoulders, to your waist line, to the floor.  Dancing around in layers where the color comes from the tint of your journey.  Some layers are dyed in pink.  This tells of crowns and dreams of crowns like marriage and motherhood.  Like beaded necklaces put together by little children and then put on.  These are childhood dreams that you believed would one day be your milestones.

Some of your ruffles are stained in red or magenta.  This tells of your passions.  The culmination of your time spent pursuing.  Hunting down the substance of your life.  This is your blood and your sweat.  You will produce many colors, but the dye of your passionate efforts become you.

Some of your layers are patterned.  You don’t make patterns alone.  You labored with someone.  You set out with someone.  You made something together.  This part of you is speaking joy.  A configuration on your body that you can’t repeat or make by yourself.  Speaking joy.

Some white and pressed.  White and pressed never start that way.  These are your muddled messes that turned out brighter and better than you could have ever imagined.  This is the kind of white and pressed that doesn’t become wrinkled or stained.  You bled through red and magenta to get white.  Bright white remains.

Some layers are worn out because it was your favorite.  These few are faded, but it’s not out of lack of love.  It is out of so much love that it becomes worn.  It somehow becomes the color of you.  It is neither what it was before nor fully what you were then.  It has faded into now.

There are a few ruffles that you have cut off because they no longer wear well with the hue of your skin.  These are crossroads.  Old Ambitions.  Wrong paths. You moved on, cut off, set apart.  You walked on.  You have some apparent clippings on your form, but it has added to you the sense that you know when your colors don’t become you.

These are your volumes, your chapters, your pages.  Layers flowing down and around made of who you are and where you have walked.  Your physical body, your eyes, your smile.  Your flowing colors.  Your external body represents your internal beauty.  Your beauty is the culmination of your journey as of yet.

You have passed through so much that it is hard to recall.  Sometimes it may feel like a whirlwind.  Sometimes it is hard to recall that you that have made it here.  But you have.  You have weathered storms.  You have invited abiding pure white.  What once was untamed, bare land is now your fertile ground.  Crafted from passions and patterns.  Pruning and clippings.  This type of beauty does not come easy.  Now that she is here.  Explode into her.  She has become you.

Being Strong in Your Broken Places

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by JMathis, January 2012Leave a comment

By JMathis

“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places…” Ernest Hemingway

The broken places are scattered across your dreams.

Your dreams of becoming an artist.

You’re not good enough.

Your dreams of a happy marriage.

You’re not good enough.

Your dreams of being fit, fierce and fabulous.

You’re not good enough.

The artist has surrendered to a mortgage. The happy marriage sacrificed for a 62″ television set. The sexiness buried under yet another night of pizza and ice cream.    

Reality replaces fantasy, and life swaps your upbeat soundtrack for an insidious, new mantra:

You’re not good enough.

The broken places become permanent refuge for insecurity, insanity, infertility, indifference, insincerity, inactivity, ineffectiveness, indecision, invisibility, ingratitude and infirmity.

Each taking root within you, inside of you. Each chanting:

You’re not good enough.

Before it is too late, before time forgets you, before your purpose is forever lost, perhaps it is time for an intervention.

Perhaps it is time to finally be YOU.

You, as God intended; you, as God envisioned; you, as God desires.

Rise up and innovate.

Stand up and inspire.

It is time to become strong in all of your broken places, for there is work to be done.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6