Tag: Mom

Thinking Through January – Defining Yourself

On By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha Katz1 Comment

By Sasha Katz

Defining yourself is complicated. Drafting a few sentence bio is torture to me. I know exactly who I am, but it is near impossible for me to get it down in a handful of words. I look at other bios. I see things like mother to 4, wife to a hottie, truth seeker, Jesus follower. Some use quotes, some create mantras, some ask you to buy their books, all in a line or two. Frankly, I don’t know what makes sense.

The idea of you coming across me somewhere on the web or social media sounds like an opportunity for community. The idea of us knowing one another through words and similar cares and concerns is a good thing. I like transparency, friendship and being spoken into – – as much as I like to share what God has tucked into my heart and soul.

But then I think, what do you really want to know about me? I think about my hats, my identities. Do I name them for you to describe me? Mom, wife, writer, lawyer, friend, daughter, sister. I suppose that is literally how I could define me. But, I am finding, as I get grown up, that the hats don’t do much except define. I am way beyond the hats and I am tired of square boxes. Scratch the mom, lawyer, writer, friend chant.

I’m scratching writer because I mostly find pleasure in sharing my thoughts in a way that keeps my insides feeling free. I’m not publishing books or looking for editors. Writer doesn’t seem to fit. I don’t think I can stick with wife either. The term leaves out the whole experience of being a wife. Those four words are just so limited and leave far too many questions in the margins. What kind of wife am I? What kind of marriage do I have? What exactly do I want you to know when I say wife? Other than I am not single? Scratch it.

In as much as I am a lawyer, my crazy days are mainly due to the fact that I am a business owner and mother at the same time. Lawyer sometimes actually feels irrelevant as I navigate these two repelling magnets. On top of that, I’m not the average mold lawyer. I hate disputes (unless there is real injustice involved). I sweat through the battles I fight for my clients. And, while I really do love a lot of the lawyer work I do, I will be forever questioning the time I lose with my children every day. Lawyer is off my list.

Rather than list the things that define me, I think I am or hope to be the following: I like listening, looking into the eyes of a soul, seeing what is on the inside. Offering what I can. Helping the water wash over, leading to pure, peaceful places. The place where there is the serenity of winter, but the atmosphere makes you warm. Like the covering of a soft down comforter. Like a rest that lasts a thousand years. And, when you start to move again, the warmth and the peace and the serenity move with you.

That is no bio. But I leave it with you anyway. I pray that you travel sweet today. That the wind moves with you and that you are warm on the inside.

JOURNEY THROUGH OCTOBER: CONQUERING FEAR

On By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha KatzLeave a comment

~week three~day 1~

I’ll tell you what is brave.  Deciding to join 31 Days of writing in October.  Ha!  Like I often do, I feel strongly and ride off into the sunset with all the things that matter to me.  Except that sometimes riding off into the sunset actually means hanging from my horse upside-down by one stirrup with my hair dragging in the dust.  Which does NOT qualify as brave.  Or anything else but painful for that matter.

Sometimes my endeavors come crashing down on me.  Working full time, being a mom full time, shooting for spending more good times with my husband, committed to being a good friend, being someone who cares about my community and global issues.  Plus all the things that I think about and plan to do, but haven’t yet.  Crash.

Toward the end of last week, too much stuff was on the forefront of my brain and heart.  I was like that video of the girl with the nail in her forehead but doesn’t know it and just continues describing the pressure that’s mounting.  It’s really only a good case of anxiety that can grab my attention to slow down long enough to hear reason.  Believe me, the reason does not come from my own soul.  It took me 24 hours of anxiety to hear God say – – Ask for help.  You’re burnt out.  Wrung out.  Spun out.

I will humor you as to how badly I needed help but didn’t know it.  The song Shoulders was turning like a broken record in my mind.  But I couldn’t remember the line that says My _____ is From You.  I laid in bed putting all kinds of words in the blank.  I tried Health, Wealth and whatever else.  Of course, none of that makes sense.  Finally, literally, after my anxiety filled pondering went on from 5am to 8am on Saturday morning . . . the word is Help.  My Help is From You.  Duh.  I need help to do all that You have given me.  I need His help and I need to ask for it.  Peace.

Simply Tuesday Moments

On By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha KatzLeave a comment

After having gone through hell with my mom a few weeks ago, we started a new conversation about faith.  We’ve been talking about how one can look rather faithful on the outside, but lack authentic faith on the inside.  With the right amount of legalism combined with the proper measurement of hypocrisy, one can walk and talk and move through daily life with the costume of Christ buttoned and zipped up over the true condition of self.  It’s not that the costume is satisfying the inner self.  It’s not that the costume is fully believable by those doing life nearby.  It’s that the costume wards off just enough human connection to let the costume do its job of masking the person.

Having gone through the hell of seeing my mom hurt, I was moved, in a deep way, by a theme in Emily’s new book Simply Tuesday. She talks about our soul’s need for acceptance and, when we don’t have it, our tendency to build upon ourselves rather than giving God the sacred parts and letting Him build.  Emily goes on to write that building upon ourselves lends itself to distraction and satisfaction, but cannot hold together when disaster strikes.  And, in my experience, disaster always strikes.

Disaster makes it impossible to hide the condition of fake, or anything else ugly on the inside.  Emily uses words like panic, small and hurt to describe the inside when tragedy and trauma enter into your season.  I see the person who has hurt my mom and I wonder in my heart, mind and soul if the one who has hurt will pass the human tools being used to a God who builds with the invisible power of the Spirit.

I think about how easy it is to buy into impressions and portrayals while letting your inside stay dormant, or even rot.  I think about how hard it is to be authentic, to let yourself be transparent.  To let others see you being built instead of letting others see what you want them to see. I’m hoping that in our Tuesday Moments, we’ll continually give away to Him just enough to keep up our souls under construction.  Just enough permission and just enough space to grow in us what is worthy, righteous, beautiful and true.

Getting Built by Encouragement

On By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha Katz2 Comments

There is so much to learn.  It comes from deep.  It comes from wide.  Learning comes from choosing compassion, connection and sometimes pain.  It comes from being humble, bold and brave.  I am constantly encouraged and inspired by great men and women around me.  I hope to become more of who I am by God’s truth and by the path others are walking.  I am getting built by Encouragement.

What I Learned as a Friend: It feels like the stars have come out when you share with your closest friend what God puts on your heart for this season of her life.

What I Learned as a Parent: It is essential to treat your kids equally and to teach them the value of equality.  That way, they will know that nothing is impossible by their own experience and by definition.  Inspired by my own mother and Nobel Peace Prize Recipient Malala Yousafzai.

Verse:   Therefore encourage one another and build each other up just as in fact you are doing.  1 Thessalonians 5:11 

Deep Thought: Driving on the expressway a few weeks ago, I pushed back on making a phone call.  I finally made a deal with myself that I would make the call when I got to my exit.  The call stretched me and caused a certain amount of relational tension.  Later, I see that change does not happen without connecting.  Without bringing about a certain amount of tension with the eyes of compassion. Change does not happen without being bold and brave.  Thanks in part to Seth Godin’s keynote message at Leadercast 2015.

Quote: You don’t have to be an extrovert or fearless to be a bold leader.  You don’t have to have a specific gift or talent.  You don’t have to be ultra smart or resourced.  You need clarity around an unreasonable commitment to what should be.  Paraphrase from Andy Stanley’s keynote message at Leadercast 2015.

Book(s)/Blog(s)/People that Shape Me: Roarke Denver, US Navy Seal Commander, I love the way he speaks about his family with gentleness, shares his combat experiences with humanity and the way he defines the path to bravery.

My Prayer to You: I pray that we would trust the way God speaks to us and that we would share His insight when He calls us to.  I pray that there would be no sweeter moment than putting words into God’s Book of Remembrance.  I pray that we would remember that all of us are conduits of bravery and capable shaking fear.  I pray that we would remember the call on humanity to equality.  And, that there is no greater cause than laying down your life for your friend.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Expectations

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Sasha Katz, October 2011 (Devotions)Leave a comment

By AbbyA

I have really been convicted this week.  Bindu challenged me to reflect on one thing that I am worried about.  I took her challenge and followed her instructions and started thanking God, acknowledging His control and letting it go.  In bringing my concerns to Him, He gave me direction for solving my problem.

I mentioned earlier in the week that I’d like to learn to drain my expectations through a spiritual colander.  I figure if I deconstruct before I react, my communication will sound more like music than a broken record.  Help me Lord to express myself with clarity, truth and love.

I have been sounding like a broken record lately.  No one likes that kind of music.  Not even me.  Listening to myself makes me feel like one of those crazy Walmart moms who has no control over anything but keeps yelling and making threats.

As soon as I began Bindu’s challenge, God quickly gave me some instructions for solving my problem and led me to deeper matters.  He shed light on my expectations.  I feel like a broken record and He knows why.  He challenged me to see that I don’t recognize the gifts and talents of a particular person that I love.  I keep expecting this person to deliver in tune with my expectations.  I am expecting in areas that s/he can’t even consistently deliver for him/herself.  God showed me that if I encourage this person in the area of God-given gifts and talents and provide support in the other areas, this person would grow past his/her own personal limits.  Now, God didn’t promise that this person would then meet my expectations, He just promised that this person would grow past his/her own personal limits.  That means that I would be working together with God to accomplish His will.  Thanks Bindu.

Somehow I know this will make Joan C. Webb smile.  I hope she is right now.