Category: September 2011 (Authenticity)

The Uncertainty of The Map

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, September 2011 (Authenticity)2 Comments

By JMathis

Authenticity is all about living in uncertainty.

Unfortunately, uncertainty does not sit well with those of us who love The Map.

We love the elegance of The Map. Its cool, calm confidence reassures, calms and guides.

Veer left? No, the college degree is on the right, it says. Head over the hill? No, grad school is just down the slope and through the red tunnel, it says. Cross through the forest? No, the safe career path is around the bend, next to the stream, it says.

Keep listening to The Map and you’re guaranteed a path of financial security, it says.

The Map pulsates and brims with knowledge. Its warm light is comforting.

Who are we to question The Map?

And, for awhile, we don’t question The Map. It navigates on cruise control, pulling and prodding us only with the slightest of hand. It never leads us astray, never demands and is never wrong.

Until we reach its edges.

The four corners of The Map violently jump out of nowhere and thrust their hard lines into our faces. Countless paper cuts lash through our hearts, starting off as minor nicks, but soon fester into gaping wounds.

Why didn’t anyone tell us that at some point The Map comes to an end?

How did The Map stop being such a sure thing?

When did The Map stop giving us all of the answers?

Maybe when we started forgetting that Jesus is The Way, The Truth, The Life?

The only Way. The only Truth. The only Life that counts.

Undoubtedly, Jesus is the harder path. Jesus is the rockier path. Jesus is the path without The Map.

Jesus is the path we avoid when we clutch furiously to the lines of The Map.

Jesus is the path we purposefully overlook when we make a beeline towards the safety of The Map.

But, Jesus is the path you won’t find on The Map.

In fact, Jesus is about uncertainty.

Uncertainty about where you are going, uncertainty about how you will be accepted by others, and uncertainty about what direction your life should take.

Uncertainty to the world means Scary. Spooky. Dangerous.

Uncertainty with Jesus means Trust. Faith. Deliverance.

Authenticity is all about living in uncertainty.

Authenticity is about discarding The Map and Leaping Before You Look.

Are you ready to surrender?

Are you ready to let go?

Are you ready for Jesus?

Authenticity Begins Within You

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by Bindu Adai-Mathew, September 2011 (Authenticity)Leave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

What do you want to be when you grow up?

For many of us, it’s a question we were asked quite often when growing up.  For some of us, it’s a question that we often ask ourselves still.

When you were growing up, what did you envision for your life? Was it being a doctor? A lawyer? A movie star? A writer?

When you look at your life, was it what you had always hoped it would be? Or is it even better? Worse?

It was 2004, and I was newly married and had just moved to Florida. I was working in a job that I wasn’t thoroughly enjoying, and I couldn’t help but feel I had taken a serious detour in my career path. How had I gotten here?  Like many parents, especially Indian parents, my parents had just wanted me to be a doctor, but back in college, I deeply felt I had a different path that God wanted me to follow. So I pursued my English degree and my writing aspirations…Well, sorta. I admit I didn’t write…well, back then I was in my 20s! I didn’t have time to sit in front of the computer all day as I tried to wait for inspiration to flow out of me!  I had friends to hang out with, and, of course, my Mr. Right wasn’t going to magically bump into me while I sat sequestered in my room writing. I needed to be “out there” living and doing my thing. And dreamer that I was, I also had a practical side and still worked a “day job,” too, to pay the bills and save for retirement.

But flashforward back to 2004…I’m married, living in Florida…but I still wasn’t writing. It was around that time that my husband, too, began prodding me. Didn’t you tell me you wanted to be a writer? How come I never see you writing? Ouch.

A few weeks later, one of my friends sent me an excerpt from a book that a co-worker of hers was working on. She asked me to critique and edit it because her co-worker was seeking some feedback, and my friend wasn’t a reader or writer so she thought of me instead. When I read it, my thought was that it seemed more like an essay rather than an excerpt from a novel. So I took out my editor’s pen, added some dialogue, added some description, some metaphors, etc. And badda bing, badda bang, I handed back what I considered a very well written page to inspire her as she continued her novel. My friend’s co-worker immediately responded by asking me if I had published anything because she loved what I had written. Sheepishly, I had to admit that besides a few paragraphs here and there over the years, I hadn’t written anything. Oh, wait, a short story or two…but no, nothing to resemble a novel and certainly nothing that was published. Yet.

I later read over what I had written, and I couldn’t help but feel this surge of joy and excitement over that one page. I loved the way the words flowed together. I loved the scene I described. And most of all, I had just loved the whole creative process. Why wasn’t I writing, I asked myself. And then I knew it was time. It was time to start that novel I had always talked about.

So I did. I started it. Life got busy, and so I had to stop. But I soon got started again, stopped, started, stopped, started, stopped. Started. Stopped.

Sigh.

Why couldn’t I just write already? In hindsight, I realized I had much to learn about the creative process. Sometimes, to be honest, it’s just not that creative. Sometimes, you just gotta write even when you don’t feel like it. You gotta write when you don’t have time.Yes, discipline. Something I had never applied to my writing.

But I have to admit, there’s nothing like a significant birthday and the feeling that you’re getting old to kick you into high gear. I had one of those and a year and a half later, my novel was finally complete.

After many years of dreaming about it, talking about it, I had finally done it! I had written a novel!  But when I did, no streamers magically fell from the ceiling. No Publisher’s Clearing house “Congratulations” check magically appeared at my front door or in my mailbox. Besides a “I knew you could do it” from one of my best friends, nothing changed…Now what? I had finished my novel, but that didn’t mean I could quit my day job.

Little did I know I had just done the easy part. The much, much, much harder part is to get it published. And if I listen and believe the statistics, I probably will never get my first novel published. In fact, “they” say that it’ll probably take my second or third novel before I get something published. I have to write another one? Now? You mean I’m not going to be a Nicholas Sparks or a Stephenie Meyer and set the publishing world ablaze with my very first novel? The idea of writing another novel was very appealing but not when I have to squeeze in the time between work and taking care of my baby. Oh yeah, a month after finally giving birth to my novel, I also gave birth to a real baby, too! How was I ever going to write another book between working full-time and then coming home to a hubby and baby? I looked with dread at my black laptop workbag, realizing that yes, I wouldn’t be quitting my day job for a long, long time.

Sigh.

But I have to admit, even now, when I go back and read what I’ve written, I feel a deep satisfaction from my soul. And while I may not be successful in the world’s eyes, I know I have done something that gives me great meaning and makes me feel I’ve left my little imprint on this world, if only just my laptop.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

And what, may I ask, are you doing about it?

Authenticity must first begin within us. Authenticity to ourselves requires unearthing, rediscovering, pursuing the talents, gifts, skills that God has given only you. Authenticity requires knowing that God made you unique and beautiful and for a purpose, and only by drawing ourselves closer to God can we truly discover those gifts.

I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works; and that my soul knows right well. Psalms 139:14

The Music of My Grief

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, September 2011 (Authenticity)Leave a comment

By JMathis

I didn’t own a television when 9/11 happened.

Sure, I caught glimpses of the falling Towers on televisions broadcasting at my workplace or in the homes of friends and family.

I even remember pouring through the images of 9/11 on the internet, and inhaling every photograph I could get my hands on in newspapers and in print.

Still, my strongest recollections of 9/11 are not visual, as compared to many in our country who watched the images over and over again in horror on 24-hour television news cycles.

My memories of 9/11 are shaped instead from listening to countless hours of radio in the months following the tragedy.

What strikes me about my experience is that I can’t really remember the voices or the stories that played in the backdrop. However, I do vividly remember the music that NPR played continuously in a loop, in between news segments. I even remember that NPR chose to play this music in long stretches of time rather than repeatedly airing news features. Looking back, I’m sure it’s because words were just inadequate in capturing the grief of our nation at that time.

It is this music that will forever be emblazoned upon my heart, my mind and my memories of 9/11.

In fact, every year on the 9/11 anniversary, I go back and revisit this music.

(Click here to play this music.)

I revisit this music to reflect.

To reflect on my loss. The loss of my countrymen. The loss of my wide-eyed idealism.

To reflect on my God. My God who gives me life, hope and a future. My God who gave refuge to my then-fiancé/now-husband, as he was headed to the World Financial Center that morning for work.

To reflect on who I am. As a child of God. As a wife, mother and woman—a woman with many personal and professional gifts, interests and ambitions.

In these moments when I revisit this music and commune with God’s spirit, I realize that there can be no true authenticity in my life without constant reflection.

You cannot be real and transparent unless you look deeply in the mirrors of your God-given soul to see where you have been and where you are headed.

You cannot even begin to know yourself or your God, or be able to identify those around you who are in need, unless you take time to reflect.

Take time today to reflect on the state of your inward self, your inner man.

Is it where you want her to be?

Most importantly, is it where God wants her to be?

Relief

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Sasha Katz, September 2011 (Authenticity)1 Comment

By AbbyA

JMathis asked you to Reveal.  Bindu showed you that . . . Authenticity doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a continual process of God refining us. But like any refinement, it’s painful. It involves revealing truths about ourselves that even we’re blind to.

I’d like to share with you an excerpt from a wonderful book called The Relief of Imperfection by Joan C. Webb.  In reading this excerpt, unexpected tears ran down my face.  Tears to my Father as I acknowledged that it’s my desire to provide total support at all times in every situation.  Tears to my Father acknowledging that I sometimes fail.  Tears that I have been forgiven by others, by Him and that God too gives me the opportunity to forgive myself.

I hope you enjoy the excerpt below.  I hope that, if there is something that you have not forgiven yourself for, that you would acknowledge your failure or mistake and accept His forgiveness in place of the guilt.  He is my treasure and wherever He leads me, I will go.

And now, Lord, thank you for giving me so many people, so many opportunities to love.  But please forgive me when I fail them; help them to forgive me, and me to forgive myself.  You made me human, and there is only so much of me to go around.  Marjorie Holmes, Lord, Let Me Love.

Although we long to provide and receive total support at all times in every situation, there is blessing in accepting that it isn’t possible – or wise.  For if we met all of our family’s needs and desires and they met ours, we might be tempted to leave God out of our lives.  And that would be the genuine tragedy.  Joan C. Webb

Authenticity: What Lies Beneath

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, September 2011 (Authenticity)1 Comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Today is the day, is it not? Well, not really…at least not for me. My Big Reveal has been taking place the last seven years of my life.

After all, there is nothing like the pressure cooker of the first year of marriage to reveal your most stubborn, most selfish side.

And just when you’ve mastered the art of compromising, there is nothing like motherhood that makes you re-learn it all over again. But then you also discover that there’s the softer, unselfish side of yourself that surprised even you.

And, of course, there’s nothing like an unfulfilling career, a layoff, or a struggling economy that throw some additional sparks into your Big Reveal.

Authenticity. Like an onion being peeled layer by layer.

Authenticity. Like the slow eroding of rock by water.

Authenticity doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a continual process of God refining us. But like any refinement, it’s painful. It involves revealing truths about ourselves that even we’re blind to.

I think of Job whom God took everything from to test what was really in his heart. Did he honor God because of his wealth? So what if God took that, his children, and his health from him? Would he still honor God? He did, but would you still be able to?

I think of Peter whom Jesus foretold would deny him 3X before the rooster crowed twice.

 Mark 14:29Peter said to him, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I never will.”

30Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

31“No!” Peter declared emphatically. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!” And all the others vowed the same. 

And just a few hours later…

 66Meanwhile, Peter was in the courtyard below. One of the servant girls who worked for the high priest came by 67and noticed Peter warming himself at the fire. She looked at him closely and said, “You were one of those with Jesus of Nazareth.m”

68But Peter denied it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, and he went out into the entryway. Just then, a rooster crowed.n

69When the servant girl saw him standing there, she began telling the others, “This man is definitely one of them!” 70But Peter denied it again.

A little later some of the other bystanders confronted Peter and said, “You must be one of them, because you are a Galilean.”

71Peter swore, “A curse on me if I’m lying—I don’t know this man you’re talking about!” 72And immediately the rooster crowed the second time.

Suddenly, Jesus’ words flashed through Peter’s mind: “Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny three times that you even know me.” And he broke down and wept.

Authenticity. What will God reveal about you?

Authenticity. Will you let that remain your defining moment or will you allow it to reshape you into whom God always intended you to be?

Today

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Sasha Katz, September 2011 (Authenticity)Leave a comment

By AbbyA

Thanks, JMathis.  Today is the day.  Today is the right time.  Alone.  With Him.  Today, I learned something about me from Him.  Something that freed me up in a new way.

Back track to Christie A.’s couch.  Okay, back track to my whole world changing before my eyes.  Okay, okay, back track to the me where I spent almost every breathing moment with my little buddy QK.  Okay, back, back track even further to the day I dreamt about myself.  That dream was about a picture of a home and a place and a family.  It looked like a Victorian cottage in a place like Delray Beach or Coconut Grove.  With billowing cotton drapes.  Three or Four Kids.  Daily outings to the library, grandma’s and children’s theatre.  And Me.  It wasn’t really a materialistic dream.  Just a dream about values and what was perfect to me.

Now you can fast forward to Christie A.’s couch.  Splatter of tears.  Broken heart for what was supposed to be.  I asked her a question.  I think it sort of sounded like . . . Is there something wrong with me?  Did God make me this way?  I really can’t remember the specifics.  Christie A. splattered back something about lack of confidence.  (This was probably the day Christie A. started torturing me with Joyce Meyers).  The splatter back including the word confidence stayed with me for a really long time.  Confidence?  Did I lack that?  Feels sort of insulting.  But, God, confidence?  Is Christie A right?

My dream was very true early on – – at least for the most important parts.  I spent the first three years of my little buddy QK’s life going on outings to the library, grandma’s and children’s theatre.  I then had a simply amazing pregnancy with my baby girl.  Brought that little sucker into the world with one push.  And then . . .

The real estate market crash of ’06.  Going back to work.  Putting my darlins into pre-school.  Very little money . . . which at the heart of the loss was the least of my problems.  It was my dream – – to be with my babies for as long as long could be.  Asking God not to take it away.  In the way that you ask for things almost as essential as life and death.  And then watching the dream swirl down the sink drain.

I think I have brought us to Christie A’s couch.  Asking a question about myself.  To her, to me, to God.  Being me felt painful, burdensome on my heart.  I really mean that.  I am not talking about my pain or the change.   Because that is just what it was. Pain and change.  I am talking about my seriousness of thought, in my somber, self-reflective way.  Being me felt painful and burdensome.

God planned that.  And planned for that.  It is my heart’s heavy burden to live out my values under uncooperative circumstances.  To love my family with a passion for God, with creativity.  While bearing heavy financial responsibility, while working very hard.  While passing on the knowledge, to my babies, that I would give up or trade anything for their well-being.  While bearing heavy financial responsibility, while working very hard.  Passing on the understanding that their God has given up His life for them and would trade anything for them anytime.

My burden.  I could not have known how far I would go to live for Him if He did not make that option – – living for Him – – the harder, more difficult choice.  Being me sometimes feels heavy.  Again, not in the way of circumstances, in the way of His design.

In the quietness of a moment with Him.  Remembering my question.  Is there something wrong with me?  Did God make me this way?  He said, Yes, I made you this way.  I made you in such a way that even your good fruit would feel heavy to you.  Not in the way of back-breaking.  Not in the way of harm.  Heavy in the way of bearing good burden.

Is there something wrong with me?  Did God make me this way?  Yes, JMathis.  He did.  Yes, Christie A.  – – confidence was in store for me through doing what, to me, was the rotten, unsolicited Plan B.

In the complex way of God, that juxtaposes heavy and light, first and last, life and death.  He cracks away at my ultimate freedom.  He whispers in quiet moments when I am alone with Him.  He whispers words that make no sense outside of the freedom He has constructed for anyone who desires to follow after Him.

Thanks, JMathis.  Today is the day.  Today is the right time.  Alone.  With Him.  Today, I learned something about me from Him.  Something that freed me up in a new way.

By the way, Happy Birthday, QK.  The sweetest gift God has ever made to a mother such as me.  Love, Mommy

The Big Reveal

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by JMathis, September 2011 (Authenticity)Leave a comment

By JMathis

Today is a day of reveling.

Reveling in the art of relaxation.

Reveling in acts of celebration, friendship and laughter.

Reveling in putting the letter ‘b” in the word “labor” to very good uses: Barbeques, Beer, Beach Balls, Bubble Baths.

Reveling in your officially sanctioned day of rest. Why, thank you, Federal Government. Glad you noticed how hard I was working.

Today is not a day for revealing.

Nope, not today. Today is your day off.

Today is not a day for revealing that you are deceitful.

Today is not a day for revealing that you are inauthentic.

Today is not a day for revealing that you are a big, fat phony.

Okay, maybe today is not the day, but unfortunately, I’m looking at your upcoming schedule, and you seem pretty booked for the rest of the year. Can you clue me in on when you will actually have time to launch your Big Reveal?

You know, the Big Reveal.

The day you tell God that you’re a two-faced hypocrite?

Yes, I’m talking to you. Mainly to me, but also to you. Don’t look so shocked.

Do you think He doesn’t know the real reason why you raise your hands to worship in church? Is it because that’s what everyone else is doing? Or, is it because you’re so self-righteous, that you need to show everyone else what a model churchgoer should look like?

Do you think He doesn’t hear you harping on and on to others about the importance of reading the Bible and praying everyday, when you haven’t even picked up a Bible in months? When you haven’t had a real conversation with Him in years?

Do you think He doesn’t see right through your Church Lady act, where you show up every Sunday at 10am on the dot, with your perfect GQ husband, your 2.5 kids who quote scriptures in Hebrew and Greek, and your glittery red pen that you use to sign up to volunteer for Youth Group Wednesdays, Prayer Team Thursdays, Feeding the Homeless Fridays and Women’s Potluck Saturdays?

You do know that He doesn’t care about all of this stuff, right?

You do know that He only wants you, right?

Alone.

By yourself. Without interruptions. Without distractions. Without anyone else or anything.

Not you, as your big, bad self, but you, as a child of God, lying prostrate on the floor, crying out in the stillness of the night.

Crying out for forgiveness. Crying out for His touch. Crying out until you hear answers.

Crying out to be rid of your bleeding, busted, messed-up life.

When will you make time to show Him your Big Reveal? When will you make time to come before Him broken, contrite, repentant and ready for Him to fill you? When will you make time to come before Him stripped of your airs, your pride and your holier-than-thou pretentiousness?

When will you stop reveling behind the arrogance of your big, bad self?

When will you start revealing to Him that you are lost? That you are desperate? That you are hurting? That you are struggling? That you are hanging on by a thread and barely making it?

When will you start revealing that you are nothing without His grace, mercy and salvation?

When do you stop wearing your mask in front of others?

When do you stop wearing your mask in front of Him?

Today is the day.

Today is the day.

Today is your day.