Category: June 2011 (Men and Boys)

Is it the Battle of All Men?

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By AbbyA

JMathis wrote yesterday – It is very easy for us to laugh and roll our eyes in disbelief at the Tigers, Schwarzeneggers and Weiners of this world. It’s even easier for us to judge and wag our collective, holier-than-thou fingers at the Bishop Longs, Jim Bakkers, Ted Haggards and Catholic priests of the Christian world.  Who are these guys?  We’ve got a mega athlete, a high profile actor turned governor, a politician and a handful of Christian leaders.  They are all men with access to wealth, locally or nationally famous and hold the power card to influence their followers.  I am thinking Spiderman – With great power, comes great responsibility.  But, I am also thinking Jesus – From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.  Luke 12:48

What’s going on here?  From the same guys we are supposed to root for on the golf course, vote for on the ballot and gain wisdom from . . . From the same guys our kids see plastered on tv ads, behind podiums and under the cross . . . From the same guys, we see their moral compass spin out of whack.  We see their moral boundaries blur.  When did their own, presumably firm, decision-making process start to fall apart?

It certainly didn’t start the day Arnold slept with the maid.  It certainly didn’t start the day Tiger found himself juggling his wife and multiple lovers.  And it certainly didn’t start the day Weiner tweeted his package.  And, the spilled milk didn’t stop the day they all bawled through their public apologies on national television.  With so many casualties along the path of these men, it is probably hard for even them to count backwards to the day they allowed the pendulum to begin its swing off-center.   When exactly did they stop believing they were subject to the laws of morality?  Or that they could escape the natural law of actions and consequences?  Was it a built-in, individual weakness that came to the surface under too much stress and too much attention?  Or is it the battle of all men?

Yes, I think it is the battle of all men.  I think it is the desire of most men to gain wealth, notoriety and influence.  No matter the portion of the serving of any of the three, responsibility is required.  While I don’t think men function in the way of seeking balance as we ladies do.  I do think they tick in the way of decision.  I think one of the keys to prayer for our men suggested by JMathis is covering with prayer the decisions of the men in our lives.  It is the initial, small decisions that lead to eventual, large moral blunders.  Let’s pray together that men in our lives would be empowered to make Godly decisions.  That their decision-making would not be swayed by wealth or notoriety.  Let’s pray that they would harness their influence for good.  And let’s pray that, if ever a decision falls off course, that they would have the wisdom to . . . ask for the old paths, where the good way is, And walk in it.  Then you will find rest for your souls.  Jeremiah 6:16.

Another Sex Scandal-Part II

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

There was a time in medical schools everywhere, that instructors would scare future medical students by telling them the following: “Look to the student to your left. Look to the student to your right. Of the three of you, one of you will drop out before the year is over.”

I am told that in seminaries and Bible colleges nowadays, they employ a similar scare tactic, except it sounds something more like this: “Look to the student to your left. Look to the student to your right. Of the three of you, one of you will be affected by a sex scandal that will destroy your ministry.”

When my seminary student friend told me this, I was rocked to the core and suddenly felt like my eyes had been opened.

Sex scandals are not just a case of guys (and girls) behaving badly. They are a systematic tool by Satan to rip the foundations of families, churches and even political institutions.

Think about it. No one goes into seminary with the intention to cheat on his spouse and to bring his life-saving ministry to a screeching halt. No one goes into a marriage thinking that she will betray the one person who has sworn to remain committed through sickness and health, for richer or for poorer. No young victim of child molestation goes into life thinking that he will one day be a child rapist. 

But it happens. Everyday. Day after day. Satan uses sex—something so beautiful, sacred and divine—to kill, steal and destroy. Kill marriages, steal the minds of functioning members of society, and to destroy ministries that have the capability of bringing billions to Christ.

Women: pray for your future and current husbands. They are on the spiritual frontlines of your family, and Satan will do everything in his power to ensure that your family is destined for hell. He starts with the enticement of an innocent Facebook or Twitter flirtation, and in no matter of time, his plan is accomplished: a dissipation of trust, crushed dreams, fractured relationships, and more importantly—a family that has turned their backs on God due to pain, despair, humiliation and a host of unanswered “Why me’s? 

Churches: pray for your pastors and spiritual mentors. They are on the spiritual frontlines of cities, counties, states and now, with the far-reaching power of the Internet, even global web audiences. Satan will do everything in his power to ensure that the tens, hundreds, thousands and millions touched by these ministries are destined for hell. How many Catholic men are disillusioned and angered by God and the church due to a priest who succumbed to Satan’s plan? How many churches shut their doors because of a pastor’s infidelity? How many international healing and deliverance ministries are disbanded due to allegations of sexual abuse?

It is very easy for us to laugh and roll our eyes in disbelief at the Tigers, Schwarzeneggers and Weiners of this world. It’s even easier for us to judge and wag our collective, holier-than-thou fingers at the Bishop Longs, Jim Bakkers, Ted Haggards and Catholic priests of the Christian world.

However, when was the last time you really prayed for these fallen men? Prayed for the healing and restoration of their marriages, their children, and their ministries? When have we really wept in spiritual sorrow over the countless numbers of lives Satan has ruined by these sex scandals?

Ladies, this is not just a case of men behaving badly. Our men are systematically being targeted by Satan in his broader plan to overthrow the Kingdom of God.

And, by no means am I writing these words to defend or excuse the actions of perpetrators, predators, pedophiles, pimps and perverts.

Instead, I am writing these words to plead for a call to prayer and fasting to eradicate one of Satan’s most effective weapons against Christians: the sex scandal. Whether it takes the form of suburban infidelity, or the fall of a mega-church pastor, the result is the same: shattered lives and a multitude of hearts turned away from God the Father.

Pray for your men.

Fast for your men.

Get on your hands and knees for your men.

Look to the person to your left. Look to the person to your right. “Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat.” Luke 22:31

Another Sex Scandal-Part I

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by Bindu Adai-Mathew, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew 

Another day. Another politician caught in yet another sex scandal. Can we even act surprised anymore?  Last week Rep. Anthony Weiner was caught with his pants down. Literally. He accidentally tweeted a lewd picture of himself that was meant to be private but inadvertedly got posted for everyone to see. He initially claimed someone hacked into his Twitter account, but yesterday he came clean about the photo as well as the fact he had been having inappropriate relationships with 6 different women he met over facebook and twitter over the past three years.  According to CNN, “some of those relationships began before his 2010 marriage and some happened, and continued, afterward.” 2010, people. 2010. Really???? Are you kidding me?  He couldn’t even use the “7 year itch” excuse yet…

It took him 1 week to realize what took Schwarzenegger 14 years to learn and John Edwards several years to learn. The truth, no matter how hard you try to hide it or try to deny it, will come out.

 While all of this sounds more like a recent thing, sex scandals among the rich and powerful have a long, rich history…it dates even back to Bible times.  Don’t believe me? Check out 2 Samuel 11 where our story begins:

1In the spring of the year,a when kings normally go out to war, David sent Joab and the Israelite army to fight the Ammonites. They destroyed the Ammonite army and laid siege to the city of Rabbah. However, David stayed behind in Jerusalem.

2Late one afternoon, after his midday rest, David got out of bed and was walking on the roof of the palace. As he looked out over the city, he noticed a woman of unusual beauty taking a bath. 3He sent someone to find out who she was, and he was told, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.” 4Then David sent messengers to get her; and when she came to the palace, he slept with her. She had just completed the purification rites after having her menstrual period. Then she returned home. 5Later, when Bathsheba discovered that she was pregnant, she sent David a message, saying, “I’m pregnant.”

Uh oh! Doesn’t this read more like a script for Days of Our Lives or All My Children? But wait, it gets better…(and by better, I mean worse)

6Then David sent word to Joab: “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” So Joab sent him to David. 7When Uriah arrived, David asked him how Joab and the army were getting along and how the war was progressing. 8Then he told Uriah, “Go on home and relax.b” David even sent a gift to Uriah after he had left the palace. 9But Uriah didn’t go home. He slept that night at the palace entrance with the king’s palace guard.

10When David heard that Uriah had not gone home, he summoned him and asked, “What’s the matter? Why didn’t you go home last night after being away for so long?”

11Uriah replied, “The Ark and the armies of Israel and Judah are living in tents,c and Joab and my master’s men are camping in the open fields. How could I go home to wine and dine and sleep with my wife? I swear that I would never do such a thing.”

12“Well, stay here today,” David told him, “and tomorrow you may return to the army.” So Uriah stayed in Jerusalem that day and the next. 13Then David invited him to dinner and got him drunk. But even then he couldn’t get Uriah to go home to his wife. Again he slept at the palace entrance with the king’s palace guard.

14So the next morning David wrote a letter to Joab and gave it to Uriah to deliver. 15The letter instructed Joab, “Station Uriah on the front lines where the battle is fiercest. Then pull back so that he will be killed.” 16So Joab assigned Uriah to a spot close to the city wall where he knew the enemy’s strongest men were fighting. 17And when the enemy soldiers came out of the city to fight, Uriah the Hittite was killed along with several other Israelite soldiers.

18Then Joab sent a battle report to David. 19He told his messenger, “Report all the news of the battle to the king. 20But he might get angry and ask, ‘Why did the troops go so close to the city? Didn’t they know there would be shooting from the walls? 21Wasn’t Abimelech son of Gideond killed at Thebez by a woman who threw a millstone down on him from the wall? Why would you get so close to the wall?’ Then tell him, ‘Uriah the Hittite was killed, too.’”

22So the messenger went to Jerusalem and gave a complete report to David. 23“The enemy came out against us in the open fields,” he said. “And as we chased them back to the city gate, 24the archers on the wall shot arrows at us. Some of the king’s men were killed, including Uriah the Hittite.”

25“Well, tell Joab not to be discouraged,” David said. “The sword devours this one today and that one tomorrow! Fight harder next time, and conquer the city!”

26When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. 27When the period of mourning was over, David sent for her and brought her to the palace, and she became one of his wives. Then she gave birth to a son.

(cue in dramatic music)

Stay tuned for another episode of All the Days of Their Lives…

My 10 Cents on Sex Addiction: No Shame or Guilt Included

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by Sasha Katz, June 2011 (Men and Boys)3 Comments

By AbbyA

She logged onto her fiance’s computer to check her email.  Instead, on the screen, was a recently downloaded movie.    She watched a few minutes of the sexually violent film that her fiance kept in his online library.  It was not the only one.  One film after another, she was sickened by the hardcore sexual violence.

Right now, I can feel my blood moving through my body as I recall her telling me about what she found.  I remember how she fell into her bed for days.  The sleep and dark and her mom seemed to be her only condolences.  She eventually reached out to a social worker who talked her through her near suicidal emotions.  After a couple of days, she started to talk again.  She had dinner with him.  I think it was his birthday.  She looked beautiful and had the plan to win over the pornography with their love and all she had to offer him.  Dinner didn’t go well.  He just didn’t see the big deal.  After all, his own mother shared that she and his dad enjoyed “soft” porn in their marriage.  She suggested that it could be helpful in a relationship.  A few weeks later, after a few more dinners and a couple of counseling sessions, she decided to marry him – – premised, in part, on a promise that he would not indulge in online pornography anymore.

She was pregnant for the second time now.  She didn’t know where he was much of the time.  He claimed he was depressed over his father’s death and stressed out at work.  He left in the morning, but not for work.  He spent his days downtown.  And, while she never knew for sure, her intuition told her he was watching porn films at theaters, going to strip clubs or spending time with escorts.  Right now, I can feel my blood moving through my body as I recall myself telling her that it wasn’t true.  That she was extremely pregnant, very emotional and that, the man I knew as her husband, would keep his word.

Now the mother of two, busy about her kids, her husband’s career, family/friends, she passes his computer at home.  She sees a few printed pictures of women’s faces.  She sees that these are his choices on a site for men with means.  She guesses his user name and password.  She logs on that site and sees he has been searching for and meeting with high-class hookers.  Right now, my blood curdles and my body cringes at his false promises and his sexual addiction. 

Right now, my heart breaks daily for her.  She is a single mother of two.  Trying to adjust.  Trying to recover.  Trying to find a safe place to exchange her emptiness for fullness.  Trying to believe that her children will not be harmed by the harm the three of them have undergone.  Trying to pick up the pieces of what went wrong.  Trying to make sense of what makes no sense.  Trying to see a hopeful future.

Right now, our world is spending

  • 20 billion on adult videos
  • 11 billion on escort services
  • 7.5 billion on magazines
  • 11 billion on phone sex, sex clubs and novelties
  • 2.5 billion on cable and pay per views
  • 4 billion on internet and cd-rom

“How shall I pardon you for this? Your children have forsaken Me and sworn by those that are not gods.  When I had fed them to the full, Then they committed adultery and assembled themselves by troops in the harlots’ houses.  They were like well-fed lusty stallions; Everyone neighed after his neighbor’s wife.  Shall I not punish them for these things?” says the Lord.  “And shall I not avenge Myself on such a nation as this?” Jeremiah 5:7-9.

Right now, I wonder how much goodness we withhold from ourselves.  Our sin turns away the good things that God has for us.  Jeremiah 5:25.  I think about this month’s subject matter – – Boys, Fathers, Husbands, Boyfriends and Everything in Between , you have so much responsibility to love the women in your lives.  Your sisters, daughters, wives, girlfriends and everything in between are more valuable than your need to fill the hole within.  Ephesians 5 is not unattainable.

I think about pornography and the sex industry.  I am not going to let any of us off the hook on this one.  Toying with pornography to please your spouse is not exempt from God’s standard.  The consequences of leaving your adolescent or teenager alone in his or her room with internet access falls on your head.  Feeling so alone that you entertain phone sex, chat rooms and meetings with strangers is not acceptable.  God gives us the power of free-will.  We can honor God with our bodies or we can serve the other gods in our lives.  1 Corinthians 6:19-20.

Right now, I think about FemmeFuel’s readership.  I think about how it is impossible that there is not at least one that is suffering from her significant other’s sexual addition, her teenager’s or even her own.  Right now, get out of the darkness, perhaps your sadness.  Don’t make excuses or water down what is revealed when the light shines down on your secret places, that of your significant other or your child.  Get into the light and shed the shame and addiction.

No temptation has overtaken you except that is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.  1 Corinthians 13.

FemmeFuel writers are here to share your burdens and walk victorious with you.  No shame or guilt included.

Comment to request additional resources.

Boys, Boys, Boys!!!!!!!!

On By femmefuelIn Best of Bindu Adai-Mathew, FemmeFeatures by Bindu Adai-Mathew, June 2011 (Men and Boys)1 Comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Boys. Sigh. My favorite topic between the ages of 13 and 29…even now that I am thirty (cough) something, I still feel like I could write a 10 volume novel on my thoughts on boys. I spent most of my youth trying to decode the male species, only to realize later (Oprah calls them “Ah ha” moments) that it was my own craziness that complicated them in the first place. 

 As a veteran of adolescence and my twentysomething years, my first instinct is to save all you single women the trouble, the hassle, the craziness of boys. But I know it’s futile.

 I want to tell you that you don’t need boys to make you happy or to feel complete. But that’s not completely the truth, is it? After all, two of the biggest things in life— marriage and children seem to require one primary ingredient…BOYS! 

 Sigh. You know the saying. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.

 So we might as well talk about them. Lord knows, we don’t have anything else productive to do…and who are we kidding, talking about boys is fun!…Sometimes.

 Boys. Let’s see…(and yes, I know I’m stereotyping here, but bear with me…) You have the Nice Guy. The Too Nice Guy So I Can’t Date You Guy. The Rebel. The Momma’s Boy. The Friend without Benefits. The Friend with Benefits. The I Don’t Know How You Got into My Life but Okay, You’re Here, Now What? Guy. The Rebound Guy. The <fill in your own blank> guy, and (drum roll, please) one of the all-time favorites…or maybe it was just my friends who seemed to like him…The Unavailable Guy.

 Awww, yes. The Unavabilable Guy. You know him. The guy you meet, you think is cute, you think he thinks you’re cute. He gets your number, you wait by the phone anxiously waiting for his call only to wonder a few days later if 1) he lost your number 2) he got eaten by a bear 3) he is nursing his sick mother back to health and that’s why he hasn’t called you. or even more realistically 4) he is secretly part of the CIA and was called oversees in a secret, covert mission that is being overseen by the President himself. No wonder he hasn’t called…he is too busy saving the world from terrorists!

Ah, yes, Unavailable Guy. You wait for him. You make excuses for him. You finally realize that maybe, just maybe he’s not interested in you and that’s why he’s not calling. You promise to put him out of your mind…you go on with your life, and the suddenly WHAM! He calls. Turns out he WAS nursing his sick mom back to health! See, you were right all along.

You go out with Unavailable Guy. Unavailable Guy seems even cuter than when you first met him. (Doesn’t everything look more appealing when you know you can’t have it?) You have a great time at dinner and at the movies. He drops you off safely at home, promising to call you…

And he does. Two months later.

Unavailable Guy. Ah yes. So complicated. So mysterious. So…enough already!

I spent years counseling my friends as they dated Unavailable Guy. Like my friends, I, too, made excuses. Oh, I could tell by the way he accidentally touched your arm at a 20 degree angle, that he’s really into you…   And oh, his mom must have had another bad cold, but I’m sure after she’s better, he’ll call you again. As their best friend, I was in denial of the one truth that stood out like a blaring neon sign…Unavailable Guy was….unavailable…

 Shocker.

 And then somewhere in my twenties, I finally saw that episode of Sex and The City. The one that opened my eyes. You know the “He’s Just Not That Into You” episode where the girls are all out for dinner and Miranda is going on and on about this guy she went out with who seems a little distant and is making excuses not to spend time with her. Carrie and Charlotte immediately make excuses like “Oh, it’s probably work…he’s probably just stressed out and will call you when it gets better.” In the background, you see Carrie’s date, shaking his head and stating the obvious: “He’s just not that into you…”  Carrie is horrified and immediately makes excuses for his response, but Charlotte appears to have an “Ah ha” moment when she realizes the truth was staring her in the face all along. Rather than feeling disappointed, she actually looks relieved. It gives new meaning to the phrase that the truth shall set you free. Miranda quips, “If someone had told me that years ago, I could have saved myself years of therapy.”

 As I watched that episode, a lightbulb went off in my head. I got it! I really got it. So that’s why so and so never called?! Wow. So simple. And yet so true. I had spent the better half of my youth talking about boys, trying to decode them, trying to understand them. I could have saved myself years of pointless conversations!

 I immediately called a couple of my girlfriends to share my newfound wisdom. They “ah ha-ed” right along with me, and together we giggled over our silliness over the years. Yes, it was pointless trying to dissect men and their behavior, we decided. If they weren’t calling, if they weren’t setting up dates with us, then they were obviously not into us. They were unavailable, and that was it. There was nothing to dissect or understand. A comfortable, relieved silence hung over the phone as we each let those words of wisdom sink in…we felt wise, empowered…free…but soon that silence stretched until it became downright uncomfortable and awkward….and in minutes, we were grappling with something much, much more perturbing: If we didn’t have boys to talk about and dissect to death, what was there to talk about????  What could we jointly bond together with over a pint of ice cream while on a couch? Or over some glasses of pink cosmopolitans?

Boys. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without talking about them.

Men and Boys – We Only Ask That You Act Your Age!

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Sasha Katz, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By AbbyA

After JMathis’ intro to this month’s all encompassing mystery of guys , my mouth is so full, I can barely get anything out!  So, let’s see . . . there is the boy of my life, QK, who melts my heart, amazes me with his seven year old spiritual understanding and stands by me like the little knight in shining armour that he is.  There are my two brothers.  My mom’s new husband.  My husband.  My dad already in heaven.  My pastor.  All the guys at the office (who say the darndest things – – like it’s so cold, my nipples are freezing).  My step grandpa who has been there for thirty years.  My “real” grandpa who walked back into our lives after thirty years.  My ex-step dad who keeps trying to walk back in.

At this stage in the game, Tanya is probably married to her father figure and Stacy is probably already divorced from the bad guy.  And with a straight face, I am going to blame it all on Eve.  JMathis hit it on the mark when she said: Whether you realize it or not, any boy in your life has to contend with the consequences of how well you have reconciled yourself to both your earthly father, as well as your Heavenly Father.

Having been through a lot in the way of father figures over the years, I have learned in my own heart the miraculous healing power of seeing pain and loss in the light of my Heavenly Father.   The day He showed me I was valuable even though giving my best didn’t satisfy my father-in-law.  The day He showed me how important my dad’s imperfections were to my understanding of His grace.  The day He showed me, as a mother to my son, I can overcome just about anything with His instruction and true, pure love.

Yes, we will have fun this month grappling with the men in our lives.  Some of them act like men, others like boys.  Some are little sons acting just their age.  Some are already gone but have left power thumbprints on our lives.  But most of all, at the center of it all, we have our heavenly Father leading the way, showing the light, and somehow, growing us all up to be like Christ.

Boys, Fathers, Husbands, Boyfriends and Everything in Between

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)2 Comments

By JMathis

So much of our girlhood and identity as women is defined by one thing:

Boys.

Last fall, I caught my three year old daughter KISSING (mouth, tongue, saliva) a three year old boy from her class. I just about had a heart attack and thought, “Am I supposed to be talking to her about boys now?”

I tell my husband and he gives me this Daddy’s-Little-Girl is Doing What? look. I shoot him right back down with my evil gaze. “You talk to her about boys! You’re the DAD! She needs to hear it from a guy!! What do I know about what HE’s thinking? All of these shenanigans are clearly from YOUR side of the family!” Honestly, I think he was about to faint from a combination of sheer rage and the sad realization that he will not be the only guy in her life one day.

Fathers.

You either have a crappy father, middle-of-the-road father, or a World’s Greatest Dad, but in all cases, you have only one Heavenly Father. Whether you realize it or not, any boy in your life has to contend with the consequences of how well you have reconciled yourself to both your earthly father, as well as your Heavenly Father.

I have a friend, Tanya, whose dad was pretty much a non-existent louse while she was growing up. Who does she exclusively date? Yup, guys 2 times her age. Daddy issues, anyone?

Then there’s Stacy–the good girl who grew up with the SUPER-strict dad, but the only guy that makes her heart race is The Bad Boy. You come over to her place (again) to console her with a Costco-size box of Kleenex and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, while rolling your eyes thinking, “Umm, hello? Is she ever going to learn??”

Boyfriends, Husbands and the Guy Who’s Just a “Friend”.

One day, one of these little boys becomes a man—a man who swears his life to you, and promises to be with you until the end of days. You take his words at face value, get on the horse and carriage ride in Central Park, and take the plunge…all the while praying feverishly that his daddy taught him right and that your heart won’t get trampled on one day.   

Or, maybe you’re single and you’re dealing with the one guy who always seems to be over at your place. You’re either not sure where the “relationship” is going, or frankly, you don’t want it to go anywhere, but you’re too scared of being alone…maybe you’re just too chicken to tell him to leave?

Yeah, we know a few of those, too.

In this month of June, FemmeFuel tackles boys, fathers, husbands, boyfriends and everything in between. For better or for worse, it’s our version of Cosmo’s Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Guys Issue: why they make us quiver, why they infuriate us, why they mistreat us, why there are not enough of them around, why they’re just not that into you, and why God wants them in our lives.

Men.

Can’t live with them, can’t live without them, so might as well [                        ]…

You fill in the blank. After all, in terms of the mystery of guys, your guess is as good as ours.