Category: FemmeFuel by JMathis

Restoring Eden One Bite at a Time

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by JMathis, Mind Body Spirit ConnectionLeave a comment

By JMathis

My mom is one of those old-time ethnic mothers who is obsessed with keeping you uncomfortably fed and full. My guess is that since she grew up poor, food was scarce and something to be hoarded, particularly when there were eight children to feed.

She harasses you until you are stuffed, and forces you to eat everything that is put on your plate. At the same time, she also expects that you should just be able to magically metabolize all of this food, and remain svelte and lean while eating (like) a horse.

Of course, this duality just never worked for me, and I have been a yo-yo dieter since elementary school. I remember my mom sending me mixed messages by restricting my intake as early as 5 years old and putting me on the cabbage soup diet when I was just 7 years old. However, whenever the slightest bit of progress was made, she was back to the idea that I needed to inhale everything she put on my plate. After all, she was a terrific cook, and she beamed with pride whenever her family ate every morsel that she presented in front of them.

As a result of this eating schizophrenia, I have been battling the pudge my entire life, which opened the door to a host of eating disorders. Between my college years and until about age thirty, I was a pretty “successful” anorexic. Most of my twenties were spent tricking my body into staying thin—on the surface, at least, it looked like I had everything under control.

By my thirties, however, and particularly after having a baby, my body just stopped cooperating with these parlor games. No matter what shortcuts I used to lose weight, my body rebelled even more, and stubbornly held onto every calorie ingested. My cool, calm exterior began to unravel, as all of my food frustrations started bubbling to the surface. I couldn’t understand why the methods I was so good at for years, were suddenly failing miserably.

This internal war escalated until last year when I finally made peace with myself. I prayerfully came to the realization that I had been living a selfish and self-centered life. My youth had been wasted fastidiously counting calories, while I ignored my Creator and the purposes for which He created me. How could I put the Lord first when the bulk of my day was spent stressing about every little bite I put into my mouth? How could I properly focus on those around me in need when I was too obsessed with my own appearance?

Perhaps you are allowing your body image to be defined by voices at home, in your social circle or by the media. In whichever case, it is time for those voices to give way to the voice of the Holy Spirit.

As we all know, listening for the voice of the Lord is a daily process, and by no means a quick-fix. I can attest to the fact that your eating choices may not change overnight, and it may be difficult to attain balance after years of body-abuse, self-loathing and emotional eating.

Regardless, it is about yielding to His Voice, and being patient with His transformation of your body and your mind. It is about His thoughts dominating your thoughts, and His ways overcoming your ways. It is about learning and re-learning how to lead the lifestyle of the Holy Spirit and not of the world.

Contrary to what Jersey Shore says, it is not about GTL: Gym, Tan, Laundry. It’s about seeking the Kingdom of God first, and letting His Voice speak to you throughout your day, so that you are victorious over your struggles and your temptations.

Make peace with yourself today. Make peace with your body today. Make peace with your Creator today.

As part of our 31 Day Mind-Body-Spirit Challenge, put away the shortcuts, put away your impatience, put away your emotional baggage.

Trust that He is restoring Eden into your life…one bite at a time.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

Bringing Sexy Back: The Mind-Body-Spirit Connection

On By femmefuelIn Best of JMathis, FemmeFeatures by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

I must admit. Post-kids, sex is so confusing and frustrating.

I never thought it was possible, but that day has finally arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

After my daughter was born, our biggest problem was frequency. We just never seemed to find time for it especially since our bed is like a cable network that only displays one show on a back-to-back loop: Three’s Company.

Stanley Roper: Not in my building!

Jack Tripper: I swear, it will be completely platonic.

Stanley Roper: What’s that mean?

Helen Roper: Like you and me, Stanley.

Then, some time ago, we got scared straight after reading a scholarly article *ahem* from Cosmo that said we were veering steadily on the path towards a (cue menacing music: Dum Dum Duuuuum!!!)…Sexless Marriage.

Out of fear that Cosmo readers would come chasing us down with pitchforks, we fervently started scheduling “play dates”. On an actual calendar. No, seriously. If it wasn’t marked on the calendar, it just wasn’t going to happen.

Ahh, crisis averted.

So, we got smug for a little while. Sexless Marriage is now a Sexfull Marriage. Mission Accomplished!

But, then, once again, it got complicated. Like AbbyA, “I carry all of my emotions to the bedroom.  If I am beat up in my marriage relationship, I have no passion for sex.”

My husband and I may have increased the frequency of sex, but the mind-body-spirit connection was just not there anymore.

Take last month, for example. For our date night, (Phase 1) we went to this trendy eatery tucked away in the Design District, followed by (Phase 2) a really thought-provoking indie film at this funky art house theatre. In the last 45 minutes of the movie where the anticipation is steadily building to the grande finale, we get TWO phone calls from the babysitter (aka mother-in-law). My husband runs out of the movie in terror thinking the worst—abduction, bathtub drowning, choking on a chicken bone.

No, none of that.

Apparently, our daughter was “inconsolable” because she missed her stuffed animals back at home.

Umm, yeah, so? Does this warrant a phone call in the middle of date night? Right when the movie is reaching its cinematic climax?

As if this weren’t enough to destroy date night, we then get a SECOND phone call 30 minutes later. My husband runs out again to take the call. I end up watching the last few minutes…ALONE.

“Just calling to let you know that she’s sleeping like a baby. Just wanted to give you an update in case you two were worried!”

For the record, we were not worried. Truth be told, we could care less.

[Insert feelings of extreme annoyance on my part.]

Umm, really? Really, really? Can this “sense of relief” not wait until the end of date night? Or, at the very least, until the end of the movie?

Needless to say, I am seething on the car ride home. Date night is officially a bust for me because I simply can’t get over the fact that we were interrupted TWICE over something so seemingly nonsensical and trivial. To add insult to injury, years of deep-seated mother-in-law issues suddenly start bubbling to the surface.

When we get home, my husband is nonplussed about all of this and is ready for Phase 3 of date night—all guns blazing—as if nothing ever happened. I shoot him a look of a million daggers, but guiltily realize that we must move forward with Phase 3, lest we get universally tsked tsked by Cosmo readers everywhere—after all, it’s on the calendar. Gotta stick to the calendar at all costs! All hail the calendar!

And, what am I thinking about the whole time during Phase 3? About how hot and sexy things are under the sheets?

No.

Just a constant, angry loop of: “Two phone calls? Two phone calls?? Really??? REALLY??? TWO PHONE CALLS????”

Yes, I am that petty, and so much more.

Forgive me, Lord.

What’s the point of all of this calendared sex if there is no mind-body-spirit connection?

Sex is an act that is blessed by the Spirit of God, confirmed in the mind, and re-affirmed by the body.

When one of these elements is out of whack, the whole act loses its luster.

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?” 1 Corinthians 3:16

If you are languishing in some area of your sex-life, pray for a renewal of your mind-body-spirit connection. Turn off the worries and annoyances of the day, flood your heart with God’s love towards your spouse, and give into some good old-fashioned rollicking fun.

Pray for your physical relationship to experience a spiritual and emotional renaissance. Pray to God to bring the sexy back.

I know I will.

After all, from what I hear, it’s supposedly the best sex a girl can ever get.

Batteries Not Included?

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

Husbands and gift-giving. It really is a hit or miss proposition, isn’t it? Either you have a husband who forgets to give you something entirely, or you have one who really means well, but ends up buying you some utterly useless gifts.

My husband is from the latter category.

I remember one year, my husband bought me the most beautiful cross pendant. It sat in my jewelry box for two years, because he didn’t think about buying a chain to accompany the pendant. Who does that? Did he just want me to stare at it and admire it from afar? I mean, this pendant was hardly the Hope Diamond for display at the Smithsonian.

Now I know how my daughter feels when she unwraps a gift, only to find that the batteries aren’t included.

Another year, he went to a high-end frame shop and spent an outrageous amount of money framing my diplomas as a gift. At one point, this would have been an extremely thoughtful gift, like when I was just a couple years out of law school, still beaming with pride. Instead, this gift comes ten years after graduation, when I could care less about my past achievements, because frankly, I’m too exhausted to care and too busy being smeared in kid poop and finger-paint. How about a night off from kid duty instead?

The classic, though, was on our FIRST wedding anniversary, and he surprised me by taking me to a fancy steakhouse. Sounds pretty good, you say? Well, it turns out this steakhouse is a glorified man-cave adorned with football paraphernalia, and I’m the only woman there that night at this cigar-smoking, scotch guzzling “old boys club.” Pretty romantic, huh? I guess all of the other women in town got the memo, because I surely didn’t. Oh, and did I mention that I don’t even eat steak???

I know I sound like a complete ingrate, and I honestly don’t mean to do so. My husband truly does mean well; my heart is genuinely warmed that he tries to do right by me, year after year.

However, every so often, I have to ask myself, “Does he really even know me?”

And, that’s when I realize that my husband doesn’t really know me in the way that I want him to know me.

Why? Because the way I want him to know me is based on fairy tales, Glamour magazine, soap operas and Harlequin romance novels—the stuff of pure fiction. More importantly, as Bindu said, he’ll never know how to fill all of the achingly-large God-sized holes in my heart.

I need to keep reminding myself, however, that he really does know me in all the ways that God intended for him to know me—in all the ways that really count.

Not as a mind-reader, and not as some all-omniscient gift-giving genie, but rather as my helpmate, friend, lover and companion.

And, that, is greater than any gift that he could ever wrap and give me…batteries included.

The True Softness of Men

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

My poor husband has been throwing up all night. No, not like out of a scene from Animal House, but rather a tragic case of Father’s Day food poisoning—think more like from the recent movie, Bridesmaids. For him, this Father’s Day will definitely be one for the record books, but certainly not in a way that he will want to relive. Hip hip hooray for Father’s Day.

So, in between puking sessions, I am seeing his vulnerability and his dependence on me. Cowering and shaking, his pure, infantile nature is coming through. He only wants the nurturers in his life surrounding him right now—me and my mom, but more importantly, he calls for his mommy. This is not the tough-guy husband I am used to seeing.

My husband’s impenetrable exterior, shielded by walls of sarcasm, bite and vinegar, has collapsed by the side of the bed.

My salty pirate of a husband has become a puddle of tears and whimpering.

My daughter wakes up and starts crying loudly in the middle of the night for her pet manatee, Hammy, which of course, is nowhere to be found tonight. I am beyond exasperated and quietly swear to throw Hammy “where the sun don’t shine” once his whereabouts are determined. Why can’t she quiet herself and let her father be the baby for once—just for tonight? She never wakes up like this, so, why of all nights is she making a ruckus like this? This is her daddy’s night to be babied, and yet, that just does not compute in her playbook.

In all of this madness tonight, I am realizing the true softness of men.

I am seeing that they are not so different from us women. They cry when feeling hurt, raw and exposed. It’s just that their tears are not allowed to be seen by the public. Society has taught them quite masterfully that tears are “women’s work” and are meant to be suppressed and squashed.

It is only in these rare moments of physical pain that the tears involuntarily roll down their cheeks.

The pressure to be financially successful, to be a provider to all of mankind, is all-encompassing for men and is relentless. They invented the rat race and now they fall prey to it daily—never allowed to get off, lest their manhood be called into question.

We cannot see their tears and frustration with the demands placed on their shoulders by society, family and friends. Yet, it is there, day after day, like a crushing weight. Little boys are taught to be tough from day 1, under all circumstances, regardless of the amount of strain that is put upon them.

This inability to deal with these lifelong pressures causes some men to emotionally and/or physically lash out, while causing other men to retreat into the cave of no feelings, no emotions, no weakness. In either case, it is a harsh cup out of which they drink. Yet, they partake daily because this is what they are taught to do from the very beginning of time.

Women—while we love to laugh and joke about the Neanderthal men in our lives, we cannot forget that they bleed just like us. The only difference is that their mommies and daddies told them to suck it up and “take it like a man”, while we were allowed to release our pain with our tears. In many ways, our childhoods were much more liberating than theirs.

On this day after Father’s Day, take a long, hard look at the men in your life. Have you really thought about the worries and fears that plague them internally? Have you ever waded deep to find the vulnerability that exists behind their hard shell? Have you stepped into their souls to help them search for their true softness? Or, have you too, succumbed to society’s views and expectations for men?

Pray earnestly for the men in your life. Pray for their soft, squishy interiors—the emotions, the feelings, the tears—which are never seen. Pray that their vulnerabilities are allowed to be seen by the Lord, and that their hearts are exposed to receive healing, nurture and unconditional love from their God. Pray for them to seek dependence on God as part of their daily, indestructible armor.

Pray that they are allowed to be babied from time to time.

After all, they bleed like us and cry like us.

They just need the Lord to show them that it’s okay to expose their true softness.

Chasing Cars

On By femmefuelIn Best of JMathis, FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

“Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.” –Unknown

I have a friend on Facebook who is a serial quoter. Every day she puts up a new quote that usually has zero significance or interest to me. I love her dearly, but sometimes all of this quoting just drives me bonkos. I mean, if I wanted to join the “quote of the day” club, I would have done so, right? (She will kill me when she reads this, by the way. Gulp.)

Yet, the other day, she posted the quote from above, which really caused me to stop and reflect about the entirety of my life (thank you, FB friend). I sat down and thought about all of this “chasing” that we do as women.

Chasing after men, chasing after kids, chasing for acceptance, chasing to please. It’s all so meaningless sometimes, as King Solomon would say, and yet a good chunk of my day is spent in the chase.

Like AbbyA, sadly, most of my pre-marriage days were spent in the chase of affection from men. I could write a telenovela screenplay about those days, but I’ll refrain (for the moment). Now, as much as I try to squash the impulse, most of my days are spent in the chase of pleasing ‘man’–not ‘man’, as in the male species, but ‘man’ in the generic sense–chasing the vanities and worries of humankind. Chasing the American dream, chasing the Parent of the Year award, chasing cars.

When Gary Lightbody, the frontman of Snow Patrol, was asked about the meaning of their song, “Chasing Cars”, he said that it was the “most pure and open love song [he’s] ever written.” The title, “Chasing Cars”, is actually a reference from Lightbody’s dad, who mentioned it to his son when Lightbody was obsessed with the affections of a certain girl: “You’re like a dog chasing a car. You’ll never catch it and you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you did.”

Ouch. Is that what we’re all doing everyday? Chasing metaphorical cars?

The heartbreaking thing is that we chase everything but the One Person who gives us love, attention and affection freely–the One Person who is actually worth the reward of a chase. We’re in the chase for everything, but yet at the end of the day, we’re in the chase for absolutely nothing of true meaning and eternal significance.

Meanwhile, our Heavenly Father waits. Waits patiently for us to embrace Him and all that He has to make us whole and complete.

He waits for us to stop running, to stop panicking, to stop vain pursuits, to stop worrying, to stop the cycle of hurt in our lives.

He sits there just waiting.

Waiting for us to stop…chasing cars.

In the Waiting

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By JMathis

So much can go wrong when you are A Lady in Waiting.

You lose your love. No wonder no one will love me. I’m disgusting. I hate myself for what I have become.

You lose your joy. What’s the point of hanging out with my best friend? She’s married; she just doesn’t understand me anymore.

You lose your peace. What if he’s not calling because he thinks I’m psycho? What if he’s still interested in his ex? What if he’s just not that into me? What if? What if? What if?

You lose your patience. Why is it taking so long for me to meet The One?? I should just settle and go out with Dan. At least I know that he won’t beat me.  

You lose your kindness. If he’s taking this long to propose, he must be a jerk anyway. No guy is worth this wait…especially him.

You lose your goodness. It’s just one hook-up. How long is a girl supposed to wait? Forever?

You lose your faithfulness. God, where are you? Don’t you see that you have abandoned me? Are you even listening? Do you even exist?

You lose your gentleness. I feel like ripping his head off! What does she have that I don’t?

You lose your self-control. He’s probably The One, so what’s the point in us waiting to have sex? I just want to show him how much I love him.

The Fruits of the Spirit get trampled, discarded and lost In the Waiting. It is easy to compromise or lose yourself In the Waiting, as day after day, the tide of hopelessness sweeps in to erode your faith and your resolve.

Think of the Pinot Noir. A complex, rich wine bursting with aromatic intensity and a wide magnitude of subtlety in its notes and depth.

Yet, this wine is the most difficult to cultivate In the Waiting.

It is one of the most expensive and overly burdensome wines for a winemaker to grow, because the skin of these grapes is so thin and delicate—so easily susceptible to viruses, frost, disease and parasites (no wonder they are called “heartbreak grapes”). The fermentation process is so violent that it requires an inordinate amount of patience for the winemaker to craft this wine to perfection.

Yet, the end result is worth waiting through this difficult and temperamental process of cultivation and fermentation: a wine that is elegant, bold, velvety, bright and tantalizing in all of its nobility.

You are worth the wait, ladies.

In the Waiting, there are daunting challenges, where you begin to doubt God and self. Your delicate shell is constantly being assaulted by fear and questioning. However, when your Fruits of the Spirit are tested and strained, know that your faith in God will result in unparalleled beauty and richness in your life and your relationships.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

The Lord will never leave you alone or defenseless In the Waiting. He is there to cultivate you into something sweet and lustrous–into a fruit bursting with flavor and life.

Will you just trust Him?

Gotta Love Those Pesky Boundaries…

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by JMathis, June 2011 (Men and Boys)2 Comments

By JMathis

It is the initial, small decisions that lead to eventual, large moral blunders,” says AbbyA.

Yeah, how about that rather minor decision to not get involved with the opposite sex, in the first place?

Honestly, sometimes I feel as if the world would be better off without the complicated morass of feelings and emotions between men and women.

Men enjoy the presence of other men. Women enjoy the presence of other women.

So, why do we screw it all up? Didn’t we all have a better understanding of the world in first grade when boys were just gross and girls all had cooties?

Ahhh, it must be that whole sex thing.

I think When Harry Met Sally captured it best:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally: Why not?

Harry: What I’m saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don’t.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don’t.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail ’em too.

Sally: What if they don’t want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.

Harry: Guess not.

Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

Speaking from personal experience, I think there’s a lot of truth in this famous scene.

In college, I had a ton of close guy friends in my circle—kind of like a flirty set of brothers who always had my back 24 hours a day. Unfortunately, these friendships just could not hold when each of us eventually broke away from our core group of friends to start dating someone from outside of this circle.

The girls outside of the circle were always jealous of the girls inside of the circle—that somehow we knew their boyfriends better than they ever would.

The girls on the inside of the circle felt perpetually threatened by the newness, freshness and hotness of the girls outside of the circle.

The boys on the inside of the circle felt less manly than boys chosen from outside of the circle, and the boys outside of the circle were always worried about getting sloppy seconds from the boys inside of the circle.

Then to top it all off and make matters worse, once new people from the outside were introduced into our circle, the boys and the girls on the inside suddenly started seeing each other in a different light–no longer as friends–and then started swapping partners and exes as quickly as they did on Beverly Hills 90210.

It was an incestuous train wreck of high drama that eventually collapsed like a deck of cards.

To this day, there is “weirdness” in all of my old friendships because sex, feelings and emotions got in the way of what initially started off as pure and innocent friendships.

This weirdness exists even today—a whole lifetime after my college years—because there was no respect of boundaries at that time. Flirty “brothers” became flirty lovers who turned into fighting exes who started dating your flirty “sisters”, leaving you with an underwear drawer full of ex-boyfriends and ex-best friends.

“It is the initial, small decisions that lead to eventual, large moral blunders,” says AbbyA.

Perhaps the best initial, small decision you can ever make is to respect boundaries.

1) Getting too emotionally involved with a work colleague: messing with boundaries.

2) Engaging in Facebook chats with someone you had a crush on in high school: messing with boundaries.

3) Sending a suggestive TwitPic of yourself to someone who is not your spouse: messing with boundaries (ahem…and this includes sending a pic to someone who you are in a serious relationship with, but not married to…you never know when that one’s going to bite you in the…)

4) Falling in love with someone who is not a Christian: messing with boundaries.

Sticking to your God-given boundaries helps you to avoid large, moral blunders.

Respect those boundaries. They’re there for a reason.