Category: FemmeFuel by JMathis

Me-Too Moments

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeFeatures by JMathis2 Comments

By JMathis

It’s always nerve-wracking when you walk into a women’s group.

What do I wear? Why did I have to break out today? What if they’re a bunch of freaks? What if everyone is dull as a doorknob?

You sign up hoping, just hoping you’ll have a somewhat pleasant experience, but just in case, why come in expecting too much? Just temper those expectations, honey, because meeting new people, especially other women, is never better than the way you imagined it in your head.

After all, in your head, there’s always a ton of laughter, good food, and most of all, a chorus of Me-Too Moments.

Who likes Indian food? Me too, me too! Who loves the beach, but hates South Florida drivers? Me too, me too! Whose husband always leaves the toilet seat up? Me too, me too! Who’s dying to see The Help this weekend? Me too, me too!

Well, my Saturday was full of Me-Too Moments.

It began in the morning when AbbyA called me to tell me that she had a nightmare that this women’s group was going to be a total bust. Me too, me too! No, seriously—Me too, me too! I had a dream that instead of eating sushi and Thai at a great restaurant, women were packed into a classroom, starving, impatient, yelling, kvetching and trash-talking each other. In one word: chaos.

Yes, this is what we should expect today. Cattiness, egos and perfectly manicured she-devils.

Imagine our surprise, when we walked into this women’s group to experience what we had secretly hoped for all along: a ton of laughter, good food, and most of all, a chorus of Me-Too Moments. With creative, beautiful and delightfully engaging women, to boot.

Who loves chocolate? Me too, me too! Who sucks at cooking? Me too, me too! Who thinks men are insane? Me too, me too! Who wants to go shopping afterwards? Me too, me too!

Imagine our surprise, when the Me-Too Moments also hit upon mutual pain and loss.

I was diagnosed with cancer. Me too, me too! I’m contemplating divorce. Me too, me too! He cheated on me. Me too, me too! My dad died recently. Me too, me too! I’m having a hard time making friends and being able to trust anyone again. Me too, me too! I just lost my house and my business. Me too, me too!

Imagine our surprise, when the Me-Too Moments began to take a life of their own, and started to radiate with shared strength, courage and conviction.

You’ll get through this.

I want to pray with you.

I can help.

You’re not alone.

Call me.

I think that’s when it hit us. Friendship is a divinely inspired collection of Me-Too Moments that is fragile, not easily found, but so worth the exhausting hunt. The friendships we form on earth are simply types and shadows of what our Creator wants from us, desires from us, needs from us. Friendships provide a mere taste, a slight glimpse into the very best God has specifically and uniquely designed for me and you.

I just want to hear your voice, He says.

I just want to spend time with you, He says.

I just want to love you, He says.

Me too, Father.

Me too.

Ladies, keep searching for your Me-Too Moments. They’re out there. Once you find them, savor them and nurture them as gifts from your Creator.

They’re simply worth the wait.

The Scary What If’s About Making New Friendships

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by JMathis2 Comments

By JMathis

What if you opened your mind to the possibility of a new friend?

What if there was someone out there who made sure you always felt like you belonged?

What if you took a chance at being vulnerable in front of other women?

What if you tried being honest with others (and yourself) for a change?

What if there was a friend out there who would challenge you to be the real you?

What if there was a friend out there who would take you on a new set of adventures?

What if you made a friend who became closer than a sister?

What if you met a friend who always made you laugh? Who made you pee from laughter?

What if you stopped judging someone long enough to realize that she is just like you?

What if you didn’t have to be self-conscious about your body, your mind or your spirituality in front of other women?

What if you always felt like you were personally invited?

What if it didn’t have to be hard to meet new friends?

What if you didn’t have to be nervous or self-aware when sharing your story or your past?

What if it didn’t have to be a chore to smile or make small talk with women?

What if new friends could become part of your family?

What if there was a friend who never made you feel invisible or like a third wheel?

What if you could meet someone who really wanted to know all about you?

What if you didn’t have to play the one-upmanship game with women?

What if the pretty girl wasn’t a mean girl?

What if you didn’t always have to be perfect or right for someone to like you?

What if you didn’t have to feel the need to compare yourself to other women?

What if it was okay to be friendly without being accused of being perky or saccharine?

What if you don’t have to say a word, because she already knows how you feel?

What if you didn’t have to worry about every word you said in front of other women?

What if you didn’t have to prove to someone that you were some über-Christian?

What if the words “fake” and “phony” only applied to the “Prada” purses you and your new friend bought off of a street vendor?

What if you made a friend who genuinely prayed for you and with you?

What if you had a friend who made you want to seek more of Jesus?

What if you could cry in front of someone new without feeling like you are needy?

What if you had a friend who reached out to you, without you reaching out to her first?

What if hugs from a friend came naturally?

What if meeting other women didn’t have to be so intimidating?

What if you felt freedom in being able to trust a new friend?

What if making a new friend didn’t have to feel like being hazed by a sorority?

What if you could hit it off with someone just like you, or someone nothing like you?

What if you had someone with whom you could share your secrets? Your dreams?

What if you didn’t have to prove your friendships through Facebook pictures?

What if you walked into a women’s group and you immediately felt like you were home?

Haven’t you waited long enough? Isn’t it time to put yourself out there?

Take a chance on friendship…again.

Be the friend you always wanted for yourself.

Be the woman in the group who makes everyone feel welcome.

Be the change you want to see in this world (thanks, Mahatma Gandhi).

Matthew 7:12. “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

What If…by Donald Miller @ Catalyst West 2010:

http://www.youtube.com/user/CatalystConference#p/u/37/mON-059nbNM

Stories Worth Remembering

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by JMathis1 Comment

By JMathis

My book of remembrance.

It’s not like HIS book of remembrance, which is brimming with stories of forgiveness and redemption.

It’s not like HIS book of remembrance, which tells of stories that owe their existence to the greatest love story ever told.

No, no, my book of remembrance is insignificant compared to HIS. My book is certainly not grand by any stretch of the imagination.

Nonetheless, I do have a book of remembrance.

My book of remembrance is filled with the sweetest of memories from when I was just a wee, little lass. Filled with far-reaching memories of people and experiences that have changed me profoundly.

It even has silly memories of my preschool friend, Nina, who taught me that smiling is always the best policy.

Even through the tears after your mommy drops you off at school.

Even through the tears of breaking up with your boyfriend.

Even through the tears of losing your job.

Even through the tears that God only sees.

Yes, this book holds life lessons from people like Nina who may not even remember me, or whom I haven’t seen in many moons.

These very same people may believe that they have never made a difference to anyone. That their lives have no significance or meaning.

Oh, but if only they knew about my book of remembrance. If only they could read its pages to see how much they have impacted me.

If only they could see how much life is worth living because of what they taught me.

If only they could see that their wisdom is more priceless than Solomon’s jewels.

If only they could see that their reach stretches beyond the annals of time.

If only they could see how God shifted my course in life through them.

AbbyA and Bindu, you are in my book of remembrance.

In fact, there are whole chapters devoted to you both.

The pages where you are found are lovingly bookmarked, highlighted and worn to the touch.

In case no one ever told either of you…

In case you doubt your role in this life…

In case you forget why you’re here…

Know that your lives are part of a rich tapestry of stories that eternally matter.

Stories that matter to me.

Stories that matter to Him.

Stories worth remembering.

With Conviction Comes Revelation

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by JMathis1 Comment

By JMathis

The Holy Spirit has brought the Writer Femmes to our knees this month, as every notion we previously held about friendship has been dissected, tested, crushed and revolutionized.

We innocuously chose the subject matter of Cultivating Friendships as a nice, plain vanilla, non-threatening segue for the MeetUp we will be holding in a few weeks. “Wouldn’t it be great to discuss friendships as we meet and make new friends this month?”

How naïve we were to think that it was us navigating the helm of this subject matter? How arrogant was it of us to believe that we had some authority or command of knowledge about this topic?

Little did we know that this month’s theme would render ourselves speechless, lacking the very words that we thought we wielded with such ease and skill. Being left wordless over such a seemingly benign topic such as friendship is embarrassing for writers, even amateur ones like us, with day jobs so far removed from our shared love of the written word.

Yet, God had completely different plans for this month and for these writers.

Conviction.

Yes, this month has been a period of unhinged soul-searching for us. We have questioned God and cried over lost and toxic friendships; we have repented with remorse over destroyed and damaged friendships; and, we continue to celebrate the friendships that dare to challenge and defy us to move beyond our comfort zones—even if such friendships only existed for a short season in time.

Amidst the flooding of these bittersweet memories of our friends, many of which are painful and raw with emotion, comes conviction. Conviction to become a better friend. Conviction to become a friend like Jesus. With this conviction, comes revelation. Revelation on how to become a better friend. Revelation on how to become a friend like Jesus.

Revelation.

Yesterday, we were writers, writing often for our own vanity and self-promotion, relying very much on our own insight and inspiration.

Today, we are still the same writers, with many of the same flaws, baggage and insecurities we held in the past. However, today we write with a bit more revelation and a slight glimpse into our purpose for writing: to show God’s relentless, unending and passionate love and friendship towards His children.

With this revelation, we are no longer just writers aiming our pens towards some particular demographic or subset of women. Today, we realize that we are writers who have also been called to be prayer warriors and intercessors on behalf of our readers.

Today we unveil our Prayer Requests page, where you can leave a prayer request and know resolutely that there are three of your friends who are on their hands and knees agreeing for you to hear God, feel God and know God in your daily walk.

While we may never meet in person, and while we may never know your real name, know that God has given you friends here at FemmeFuel who have your spiritual back, so to speak. Whatever you are facing, know that we are your friends who will call the Lord into remembrance over your plight, your need or your struggle.

Show us the areas of your life where you are in need of prayer and healing. Let us be that person in your life who stands with you in love and friendship.

You don’t have to go on this faith journey alone when you have friends.

Teach us how to be a better friend to you.

Teach us how to be a friend like Christ.

Teach us about you.

Changing the Definition of FRIEND

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by JMathis2 Comments

By JMathis

Say it out loud:

Friend.

Friend.

Friend.

When you hear the word being expressed from your lips, images from the past begin to flood your mind. Yearbook pictures, sleepovers, late night telephone conversations, football games, happy hours, getaway weekends and girls’ nights out.

For many of us, negative memories may also come rushing in as you hear that word: outbursts, fights, the cold shoulder, a broken heart.

Once in awhile, as you embark upon a new school year, start a new job, play for a new softball team or enter into a new bible study group, the word friend ushers in thoughts of hope and new beginnings—the possibility of friendships to come, and rich relationships to be gained. While you haven’t met these individuals yet, your mind starts to race and imagine what your future friends might be wearing, the types of places where you will be hanging out together, the different foods you’ll be sharing—you can almost hear the sounds of your collective laughter.

Say it out loud:

Friend.

Friend.

Friend.

What is often missed in the articulation and hearing of this word is the vision of the friend in need. Rarely when we hear the word friend do we imagine ourselves in the company of the homeless, the mentally ill, the imprisoned, the abused, or the elderly.

Often when we think of individuals who are down and out, they are still the other—tragic people in need of assistance and charity. You immediately assume that they need you more than you need them. You think to yourself that if anyone needs a Savior, it is most certainly them.

What you never do is imagine or think of them as your friends. They are merely subjects and objects of your benevolence project at church or your community philanthropy group.

Does that make us bad people?

After all, we go to church every week, we donate money every month to charity, and we even organize the occasional workday with Habitat for Humanity. We put all of our energies into being good people, because certainly, that is the type of friend that God wants, right? A good person, right?

Oftentimes, we pray to God earnestly and search the scriptures about how we can become a closer friend to Him. Before going to bed, we turn off the TV, lie under the covers, and start having a conversation with this deity with whom we claim to have a personal relationship. You close your eyes smugly, and think, Ahh, I just had a conversation with God. He truly is my friend. This is what it is like to be a good person.

Never does it cross your mind that to be a friend to your Creator, you must be a friend to His creation.

Jesus is already here on earth, embodied in the tattered clothes of the homeless man you briskly walk by on the way to work every day. In the eighteen year old mom who serves you coffee every morning, who works to feed two little mouths back at home. In the elderly man bagging groceries for you because his social security check can’t make ends meet.

If you want to be a friend to Jesus, you must be a friend to them. The other. The people you pass over each day.

A future friend is not just someone you stumble upon at a dinner party, or get seated next to at a wedding.

A future friend is someone who you see everyday at the grocery store, who is choked by the worries of this world. A future friend is someone at a shelter, who no one else will befriend.

A future friend is not necessarily someone who is dressed to the nines, with a martini glass in her hand.

Say it out loud:

Friend.

Friend.

Friend.

Are you ready to be a friend to people who are truly in need of a friend?

Are you read to pray to the Lord to reveal a new friend to you?

Are you ready to change your definition of friend?

Matthew 25:31-46

New International Version (NIV)

   37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

   40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

   41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

   44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

   45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

   46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

To The Friend Who Slipped Away

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by JMathisLeave a comment

By JMathis

I am remorseful that I have allowed so many friends to slip through my fingers over the years.

I have taken friendships for granted, just because I arrogantly assumed that the other person would always be there, waiting at the curbside where I left her.

Never did I ponder how painful it must have been for my friend when I didn’t return her calls, return her texts, return her emails, return her hand-written letters.

I am sorry, sweet friend, for being so thoughtless. I was naïve and cruel, and ignored your attempts to reach out to me.

I was willing to discard you for something else, someone different, some other form of new: new friends, new places, new ideas.

I have been a situational friend, and I ask for your forgiveness.

I was wrong.

It is only now, in quiet conviction, that I understand that I was designed to live relationally with you.

Perhaps too much time has passed. Perhaps it is too late for us.

Please do know, though, that I finally see you, hear you and understand you.

It is in this seeing, hearing and understanding that I realize a significant life lesson: I was designed for friendship.

Friendship with my Creator. Friendship with you.

Today, I acknowledge you as part of my design—as part of my inner fabric.

Thank you for being part of me.

My story was incomplete without you.

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work.

If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, New International Version

Happy Hour Buddies to Best Friends

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeFeatures by JMathis2 Comments

By JMathis

Pam and I are toying with the idea of becoming “best friends”.

Yes, you heard me right: best friends—a social construct that is beloved by five year olds and sorority girls alike.

Except that we’re inching towards our 40s, which makes the idea a bit creepy, if you ask me.

I think that’s why we’re so hesitant to take the plunge. After all, how do you go about becoming someone’s best friend after a certain age? Frankly, it’s not that easy.

Sure, in your 30s and 40s, you might have Happy Hour buddies, casual work friends, bible study friends, or even ‘mommy and me’ friends, but unfortunately, there is a huge divide between those kind of friends and the friends who will come over to your place at the drop of a hat because you suddenly realize that your marriage is over. A huge divide between those kind of friends and the friends who are willing to use their hair as your snot-rag, as you sob and dry-heave on their shoulders because your seventh round of IVF has failed.

It’s too late to make friends like that, right?

Once you hit your 30’s, life takes over and increasingly it becomes more and more challenging to develop new and lasting female friendships. You’re drained from work, you have kids to carpool, and you barely have time to connect with your spouse, much less devote any time for yourself.

I mean, at this point, if you haven’t made any permanent, snot-wiping friendships, you’re certainly not going to make them now, right? When you’re feeling this stretched for time?

Maybe it’s time to revisit that paradigm.

Pam and I, for example, started off as Happy Hour buddies, and we were really good at that for five years. Everything remained at surface-level—good ol’ slap-sticky kind of fun, gossiping about co-workers, dishing about celebrities, trying new hot spots.

Then, her mom dies on the other side of the world, leaving her dad dazed and helpless. She had to leave town for a month to be with her dad, and I agreed to take care of her dogs while she was away. No big deal. That’s what Happy Hour buddies do.

Fast forward a year later and I’m in the throes of post-partum depression. She immediately senses it and encourages me to see her doctor. No big deal. That’s what Happy Hour buddies do.

Her marriage falls apart six months afterwards, and I connect her with names of people who can help her get her life back on track as a single person. No big deal. That’s what Happy Hour buddies do.

Sometime later, my business gets whacked by the economy, and she buys me coffee every week, while providing me with invaluable financial advice to get me through that period of time. No big deal. That’s what Happy Hour buddies do.

Now zoom over to six months ago, when she realizes that she has developed a substance abuse problem. I start going to Al-Anon and Narcotics Anonymous meetings with her. No big deal. That’s what Happy Hour buddies do.

Wait a minute.

Maybe that’s not what Happy Hour buddies do (at least not most of them anyway). Happy Hour buddies wouldn’t do any of the above, because their whole existence is predicated on getting away from all of the Debbie Downers of this world.

You see, Pam and I never had the intention of being anything more than Happy Hour buddies. She had her circle of lifetime good friends, and I had mine. For quite a long time, we kept things very superficial and most of all, convenient. We didn’t burden each other with our sob stories; we didn’t wear out our welcome.

We were happy to swim in the shallow end of the pool for life.

But somewhere along the way, Pam and I crossed the line. It took 10 years for us to realize that we were more than just Happy Hour buddies, but recently, we awkwardly admitted that we were embarking on some “new type of friendship” that we weren’t really expecting from each other. We finally acknowledged that somehow, despite our insanely frenetic schedules, we always managed to be there for one another, and that we would continue to do so for the long haul.

Crazy, huh?

So, maybe you can make new best friends in your 30s and 40s. Yes, it might be easier to do if you spend all night on the phone together in high school, or lie sandwiched on top of each other in a dormitory or a sorority house.

But, maybe, just maybe, it still is possible in your 30s and 40s to find that special friend you either lost, or never had in the first place.

Perhaps if you just open up your heart wide enough to allow someone in to see your vulnerabilities and your shortcomings, you may just be surprised at who shows up on your doorstep with a shoulder for you to cry on…along with your very own pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

Of course, not everyone will want to see you through your problems, and you may very well face rejection from people who don’t really want to become invested in your life or your excess baggage.

But, wouldn’t it all be worth it if you could find a new best friend at this age? Maybe your snot-rag of a best friend is somewhere out there, just waiting for someone like you to pull out the Kleenex.

In fact, like Pam, she may be someone sitting right under your nose and you just never realized it.

Put away your pride. Put away the broken heart that has been trampled upon by friends of the past. If only for just a moment.    

After all, that moment may be just enough time to let her know that you are there, and that you’re not planning on going anywhere.