Category: FemmeFuel by Bindu Adai-Mathew

When It’s Not Just About You…

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, September 2011 (Authenticity)Leave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

The “Such As”…
In yesterday’s blog, AbbyA described to us those “such as” moments: The very moment you decide to wear the inside on the outside.  Such as, speak a word of encouragement to someone you don’t know that well by using your own embarrassing past to make the point.  Such as, revealing you also sometimes feel isolated, alone and different.  Such as, admitting that you rely more on chocolate than God.  Such as . . .  Think about what you are hiding because it reveals too much about the real you.  That is the such as that I am talking about.

The very moment you open your mouth to share the such as.  At the very moment, you decide to go-out-on-limb, The Map pauses the fire in your gut and flashes for you a nice, clean path from A to Z.  That is, from the school pick up line, directly to your car.  That is, pass her quickly on the way to office kitchen because you are too afraid to mention to her that you too had a recent miscarriage.  That is, run like hell from the chance to wear your heart on your sleeve . . . even if to serve a greater purpose.  –AbbyA

I had a friend a couple of years ago who had a miscarriage. It was in the early stages of her pregnancy, and she had just started showing. She hadn’t told everybody about the pregnancy, but after she lost the baby, she did open up about the miscarriage, her struggles with it, and how she overcame it. Not necessarily to everyone, but to key people whom she felt could be encouraged by her story. When she first told me about it, I listened to her in stunned silence, my heart going out to her, my mouth at a loss of what to say to comfort and encourage her. But as she continued her story from loss into victory, I realized she didn’t need my encouragement, I needed hers.  No, I hadn’t suffered from a miscarriage, but I could learn by her example. I could be strengthened by her faith, by her perseverance to get past her own loss, and her desire to press onto victory and encourage others.  By being honest, by being authentic, she took away the feelings of shame and failure that often accompany miscarriage and was able to help herself as well as others.

Think about your struggles and what you’ve overcome. At the time you’re dealing with it, it may seem that it’s all about you. But when you press onto victory, it’s not about you any more. It’s about God. It’s about giving Him and honor and praise through your personal life and victory. It’s about encouraging someone else who is now struggling like you once were.

Authenticity. In the end, it’s really not just about you.

Authenticity Begins Within You

On By femmefuelIn FemmeFeatures by Bindu Adai-Mathew, September 2011 (Authenticity)Leave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

What do you want to be when you grow up?

For many of us, it’s a question we were asked quite often when growing up.  For some of us, it’s a question that we often ask ourselves still.

When you were growing up, what did you envision for your life? Was it being a doctor? A lawyer? A movie star? A writer?

When you look at your life, was it what you had always hoped it would be? Or is it even better? Worse?

It was 2004, and I was newly married and had just moved to Florida. I was working in a job that I wasn’t thoroughly enjoying, and I couldn’t help but feel I had taken a serious detour in my career path. How had I gotten here?  Like many parents, especially Indian parents, my parents had just wanted me to be a doctor, but back in college, I deeply felt I had a different path that God wanted me to follow. So I pursued my English degree and my writing aspirations…Well, sorta. I admit I didn’t write…well, back then I was in my 20s! I didn’t have time to sit in front of the computer all day as I tried to wait for inspiration to flow out of me!  I had friends to hang out with, and, of course, my Mr. Right wasn’t going to magically bump into me while I sat sequestered in my room writing. I needed to be “out there” living and doing my thing. And dreamer that I was, I also had a practical side and still worked a “day job,” too, to pay the bills and save for retirement.

But flashforward back to 2004…I’m married, living in Florida…but I still wasn’t writing. It was around that time that my husband, too, began prodding me. Didn’t you tell me you wanted to be a writer? How come I never see you writing? Ouch.

A few weeks later, one of my friends sent me an excerpt from a book that a co-worker of hers was working on. She asked me to critique and edit it because her co-worker was seeking some feedback, and my friend wasn’t a reader or writer so she thought of me instead. When I read it, my thought was that it seemed more like an essay rather than an excerpt from a novel. So I took out my editor’s pen, added some dialogue, added some description, some metaphors, etc. And badda bing, badda bang, I handed back what I considered a very well written page to inspire her as she continued her novel. My friend’s co-worker immediately responded by asking me if I had published anything because she loved what I had written. Sheepishly, I had to admit that besides a few paragraphs here and there over the years, I hadn’t written anything. Oh, wait, a short story or two…but no, nothing to resemble a novel and certainly nothing that was published. Yet.

I later read over what I had written, and I couldn’t help but feel this surge of joy and excitement over that one page. I loved the way the words flowed together. I loved the scene I described. And most of all, I had just loved the whole creative process. Why wasn’t I writing, I asked myself. And then I knew it was time. It was time to start that novel I had always talked about.

So I did. I started it. Life got busy, and so I had to stop. But I soon got started again, stopped, started, stopped, started, stopped. Started. Stopped.

Sigh.

Why couldn’t I just write already? In hindsight, I realized I had much to learn about the creative process. Sometimes, to be honest, it’s just not that creative. Sometimes, you just gotta write even when you don’t feel like it. You gotta write when you don’t have time.Yes, discipline. Something I had never applied to my writing.

But I have to admit, there’s nothing like a significant birthday and the feeling that you’re getting old to kick you into high gear. I had one of those and a year and a half later, my novel was finally complete.

After many years of dreaming about it, talking about it, I had finally done it! I had written a novel!  But when I did, no streamers magically fell from the ceiling. No Publisher’s Clearing house “Congratulations” check magically appeared at my front door or in my mailbox. Besides a “I knew you could do it” from one of my best friends, nothing changed…Now what? I had finished my novel, but that didn’t mean I could quit my day job.

Little did I know I had just done the easy part. The much, much, much harder part is to get it published. And if I listen and believe the statistics, I probably will never get my first novel published. In fact, “they” say that it’ll probably take my second or third novel before I get something published. I have to write another one? Now? You mean I’m not going to be a Nicholas Sparks or a Stephenie Meyer and set the publishing world ablaze with my very first novel? The idea of writing another novel was very appealing but not when I have to squeeze in the time between work and taking care of my baby. Oh yeah, a month after finally giving birth to my novel, I also gave birth to a real baby, too! How was I ever going to write another book between working full-time and then coming home to a hubby and baby? I looked with dread at my black laptop workbag, realizing that yes, I wouldn’t be quitting my day job for a long, long time.

Sigh.

But I have to admit, even now, when I go back and read what I’ve written, I feel a deep satisfaction from my soul. And while I may not be successful in the world’s eyes, I know I have done something that gives me great meaning and makes me feel I’ve left my little imprint on this world, if only just my laptop.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

And what, may I ask, are you doing about it?

Authenticity must first begin within us. Authenticity to ourselves requires unearthing, rediscovering, pursuing the talents, gifts, skills that God has given only you. Authenticity requires knowing that God made you unique and beautiful and for a purpose, and only by drawing ourselves closer to God can we truly discover those gifts.

I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works; and that my soul knows right well. Psalms 139:14

Authenticity: What Lies Beneath

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, September 2011 (Authenticity)1 Comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Today is the day, is it not? Well, not really…at least not for me. My Big Reveal has been taking place the last seven years of my life.

After all, there is nothing like the pressure cooker of the first year of marriage to reveal your most stubborn, most selfish side.

And just when you’ve mastered the art of compromising, there is nothing like motherhood that makes you re-learn it all over again. But then you also discover that there’s the softer, unselfish side of yourself that surprised even you.

And, of course, there’s nothing like an unfulfilling career, a layoff, or a struggling economy that throw some additional sparks into your Big Reveal.

Authenticity. Like an onion being peeled layer by layer.

Authenticity. Like the slow eroding of rock by water.

Authenticity doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a continual process of God refining us. But like any refinement, it’s painful. It involves revealing truths about ourselves that even we’re blind to.

I think of Job whom God took everything from to test what was really in his heart. Did he honor God because of his wealth? So what if God took that, his children, and his health from him? Would he still honor God? He did, but would you still be able to?

I think of Peter whom Jesus foretold would deny him 3X before the rooster crowed twice.

 Mark 14:29Peter said to him, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I never will.”

30Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

31“No!” Peter declared emphatically. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!” And all the others vowed the same. 

And just a few hours later…

 66Meanwhile, Peter was in the courtyard below. One of the servant girls who worked for the high priest came by 67and noticed Peter warming himself at the fire. She looked at him closely and said, “You were one of those with Jesus of Nazareth.m”

68But Peter denied it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, and he went out into the entryway. Just then, a rooster crowed.n

69When the servant girl saw him standing there, she began telling the others, “This man is definitely one of them!” 70But Peter denied it again.

A little later some of the other bystanders confronted Peter and said, “You must be one of them, because you are a Galilean.”

71Peter swore, “A curse on me if I’m lying—I don’t know this man you’re talking about!” 72And immediately the rooster crowed the second time.

Suddenly, Jesus’ words flashed through Peter’s mind: “Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny three times that you even know me.” And he broke down and wept.

Authenticity. What will God reveal about you?

Authenticity. Will you let that remain your defining moment or will you allow it to reshape you into whom God always intended you to be?

Thank You, Lord!

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew1 Comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Thank you, Lord, for friendships. Without them, Childhood would have been sadness. Adolescence would have been torturous. And Adulthood would have been meaningless.

Thank you, Lord, for friendships.Even for friends long-gone from my life.Whose absence once saddened my heart now waft in my mind like the lingering, nostaligic scent of a sweet memory.

Thank you, Lord, for friendships. For friends of today who were unexpected blessings. For AbbyA and her beautiful poetic words. For JMathis and her sharp writer’s sword. For the time you have let our pathways intertwine into one. Searching, learning, growing…together. An earthly trinity whose eyes strive to stay heaven-bound.

Thank you, Lord, for friendships. For future friends we’ve yet to meet. For the secrets we’ve yet to share. For the prayers that have yet to be prayed.

Yes, thank you, Lord, for friendships. For laughter. For tears. For joy. For sweet sorrow. For only you, Lord, could have created something so, so beautiful.

 

The Golden Rule

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-MathewLeave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Most of us recall the Golden Rule, which is also scripture, from our youth. In one of my elementary classes, it was emblazoned across the top of the bulletin board and seemed to be the first rule of thumb that our teacher wanted us to know and practice. Rather than have a long laundry list of rules that itemized unacceptable behavior, such as do not push, do not hit, etc. It seemed that it was the one rule that covered the need for an endless list of rules.

It’s also a great guideline for friendship when you think about it. I think about those lost friendships, those toxic friendships, and those stagnant friendships that we have talked about over the past two weeks. I think about JMathis’ post yesterday. Conviction is the word. Have I always treated my friends as I hoped they would treat me? Have you?

More than likely, most of us have failed to follow it. But let it be your guide as you respond to the people who cross your path today. Let it be your guide as you continue to nurture and/or restore your friendships.  Let it be your guide as you make new friends.

The Ultimate Friend

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeFeatures by Bindu Adai-MathewLeave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Last week I described how many of my friendships have changed over the years. Some that I thought would last forever were suddenly and surprisingly no more. And some grew distant over time. Most of those friendships I reluctantly had to let go once I realized that I was the only one who seemed to still want it to continue. But there is one friendship that I have often neglected…that I take full responsibility for. The sad part is that more than any other friendship, this is the one friend who deserves nothing but my best…and I am sad to say, my friend doesn’t always get that from me.

I met my friend when I was 9 years old although I knew of him much earlier. Him. Yes, he is a He. Yes, my husband knows him as well, and they, too, are friends.  Actually, my friend is the one who was really responsible for bringing me and my husband together, although he probably doesn’t get enough credit for that.

My friend has been through it all with me. Ups. Downs. Happy times. Sad times. He’s been with me when I was single and lonely. Married and happy. Often when my hubby and I don’t see eye to eye, it is he who calms me down, who makes me realize that I’m being too stubborn…or selfish.

My friend reads me like no other. And he’s seen the ugly side of me and still manages to love me regardless.

My friend is thoughtful, considerate, generous, loving.

My friend prays for me…all the time. He intercedes to our Heavenly Father on my behalf.

I can call him any time of the day. Morning. Noon. Night or day.

My friend has been there for me, especially when my other friends couldn’t be. Even when I was too busy to make time for my friend, he patiently waited for me.

My friend is the Ultimate Friend. Loyal. Faithful. Honest. And True. Better than anyone or any friend I have ever known.

There is also one other thing my friend has done for me…often many will say they would do this but he not only says he will…he has already done it. He died for me. He died so that I could live.

He is such a good friend that I would be a horrible friend to you if I didn’t introduce him to you. His name is Jesus. And what he did for me, he also did for you.

For those of you who already know him, this is a reminder to you that he is not only your Savior, your Lord, your Provider, your Healer…but he is also your friend.

While other friends may abandon you, He will never leave you. He never tires of being there for you.

You can talk to him like you would to any friend. And he can comfort you like none other.

And here’s an old hymnal reminding us of the great friend we do have in Jesus:

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
May we ever, Lord, be bringing
All to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
There will be no need for prayer—
Rapture, praise, and endless worship
Will be our sweet portion there.

You know you’re best friends when…

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew2 Comments

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

You know you’re best friends when you ask your friend if your butt looks big in an outfit, and she responds by nodding her head with an emphatic yes and suggesting your butt applies for its own zip code…and all you do is bust out laughing in return.

You know you’re best friends when you can let your friend see you do the “ugly cry.”  You know, the one where your face gets all contorted like you’re seriously constipated and your nose turns redder than Rudolph the red-nose reindeer.

You know you’re best friends with someone when the first thing you wanted to do is call that person after you got engaged or found out that you’re pregnant.

You know you’re best friends with someone when you’ve allowed her to see you in spandex. Ever.

You know you’re best friends with someone when you let them see you without makeup on.

You know you’re best friends with someone when they remember the days you didn’t even need makeup.

You know you’re best friends with someone when you don’t lie to them about your weight or your real age.

You know you’re best friends with someone if that someone knew you in the days before your age was in the double digits.

You know you’re best friends with someone when you tell them you’re fine and they know better.

You know you’re best friends with someone when you love them enough to tell them the truth and not just what they want to hear…and they don’t hold it against you.

You know you’re best friends with someone if you trust them enough to take them swimsuit shopping with you.

You know you’re best friends when you can sit together in silence and still have had the best conversation.

You know you’re best friends with someone when all you have to do is give that person one look and they know exactly what you’re saying.

You know you’re best friends with someone when you can tell them the ugliest, dirtiest little secret and they never bring it up ever again to anyone, including you.

You know you’re best friends with someone when you want to go on a vacation with that person.

You know you’re best friends with someone when you’re willing to do something for that person without expecting anything else in return.

You know you’re best friends with someone when…now it’s your turn. How do YOU know someone in your life is your best friend?

So what are you doing just sitting there thinking about it? Go tell them/call them/email them/text them/Facebook them/tweet them…there are  endless ways to do it these days…but however you do it, let them know you’re so grateful they’re in your life and that your life is better because of having known them.

And then send them a link to this blog so they can get a smile out of it!