Category: FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew

Fall in Love Today!

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, Mind Body Spirit ConnectionLeave a comment

Go to fullsize imageBy Bindu Adai-Mathew

“For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!” Matthew 26:41b

As I read JMathis’s post yesterday, this was the scripture that came to mind. When I read her post, I, too, begin to feel the strong stirrings of conviction. I’ll be the first to confess, that, I, too, have had many dreams of grandeur in terms of my writing ambitions. Yes, I do want to encourage women through my writing. Yes, I do want to inspire them to pursue their passions while also serving God. But secretly, I do confess that I’ve imagined doing all of this from my beautifully furnished home office…the one I spend my days in since resigning from my corporate day job. It has a beautiful view, this office…ocean view on one side…mountain view on the other…modern espresso colored desk and bookcase…a cozy velvet couch, perfect for sipping hot tea from porcelain teacups while trying to battle those pesky writer’s blocks! Oh, wait, I didn’t mention God anywhere, did I? Hmmm…well, it is for His glory anyway, riiiiight?

Yes, JMathis is right…sometimes our dreams take little detours that have nothing to do with our original goal of serving and honoring God.  I want to want what God wants for my life…really, I do! But somewhere in there, very quickly, materialism and hedonism quickly creep in and push God out of the way until there is no room for Him.  Sometimes, to be quite honest, both my spirit and my body are weak. So then what?

Pray. Pray for that desire to want God. Pray for that desire to want to please Him.

Lest we forget, it is the first commandment. All of us know the Thou shall not steal…Thou shall not kill…But how many of us know what Jesus described as the first and greatest commandment?

“Jesus replied. ‘And you shall love the Lord, your God, with all of your Heart, Soul, and Mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.’”  Matthew 22:37-38

And ironically, it is often the first one we forget.  Of course, most of us would say, yes, we love God…but can we say we loooooooooooove God? That we are in love with God? Jesus didn’t say just love God with your heart. He said to love him with your heart, soul, and mind. Basically we are told to love Him with every fiber of every aspect of our physical, spiritual, and emotional selves.

Why? Because He said so? Maybe… He is God…He makes the rules…But I think of it this way…remember the early stages of being in love with your significant other…Remember how you thought of them always? How you considered their feelings, sometimes before your own? What you wouldn’t do for them because you were in love with them?

Those of you with kids can think about them…yes, unconditional love at its human finest! What wouldn’t anyone of us do for our children? Sure, they’re helpless and unable to do for themselves, especially when they’re babies. But that’s not what goes through our minds when we look at them or when they cry. Love. Love gets us up in the middle of the night when they’re sick. Love keeps us up at night when they missed curfew. Love keeps us loving them even when they don’t act loving towards us.

Love is a powerful motivator. Imagine what YOU would do for God…not because you had to…not because you were told to…but because you wanted to…because you loved with God with all of your Heart. Soul. And Mind.

Jesus knew the power of love. After all, it was love that motivated Him to come to earth. It was love that caused Him to give up His life so we, too, could have Life. Not just life…but Eternal Life.

So my challenge for you today…tomorrow…and always is to love God. With every fiber of your being. Heart. Mind. Soul.

And let’s see what YOU will do for love…

Are You a Heckler…in Your Own Life?

On By femmefuelIn Best of Bindu Adai-Mathew, FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, Mind Body Spirit ConnectionLeave a comment

View ImageBy Bindu Adai-Mathew

Are you a negative person or a positive person? Do you look at the glass and see it half-empty or half-full? Until a few years ago, if you had asked me those two questions, I would have readily answered that yes, I am most definitely a positive person. After all, I’m always encouraging my friends. Yes, I’m that friend—the friend my friends call when they get discouraged or frustrated with life. The friend whom they can say anything and everything to without fear of being judged. The friend who will tell them that things WILL work out and actually sincerely believe it will.

Until one day I was talking to a friend about a particular tough situation I was going through and even after she encouraged me, I replied that “yeah, it’s probably never going to work out.” She seemed surprised by my negativity and shook her head and said, “I didn’t realize you were such a pessimist.” It was my turn to be surprised because I knew I wasn’t, and I immediately delved into a diatribe of how I wasn’t actually believing that it wouldn’t work out but explained how I only said that more as a way of protecting myself in case it didn’t. “You know, I just don’t want to be disappointed…just in case” I replied. She shook her head unconvincingly back at me. I know I sounded like a pessimist, but I knew I wasn’t so I tried to explain it further. “You know…hope for the best, but expect the worst.” She shook her head at me again. I wasn’t going to win this one, I realized and let it go.

But then a few hours later I caught myself with a string of negative thoughts. Nothing ever changes. Why do these things always happen to me? I have the worst luck.

And then later again, more negative thoughts. There’s no point in even trying. Man, life sucks. Why can’t I do anything right?

The funny part is I didn’t actually believe these things. At least not on a conscious level. But yet I still thought them. So what was that about? Just a momentary frustration? A blip? Or was it a reflection of what I truly did believe about myself or my life?

No…and then I realized what it was…I was just a heckler in my own life.

Hecklers…you typically hear them at events like comedy shows and sport events. You hear about them in the news when there’s a political press conference or speech.

Out of curiosity, I looked up the word to see the “official” definition, and the dictionary defined a heckler as a person who shouts a disparaging comment at a performance or event, or interrupts set-piece speeches, for example at a political meeting, with intent to disturb its performers or participants.

Interesting concept, isn’t it? That we can be hecklers in our own lives. But doesn’t that describe what we often do to ourselves in our every day lives? We taunt ourselves, telling ourselves like, “You’re an idiot!” “You can’t do anything right!”

Maybe that heckling is a result of past verbal abuse…or maybe it’s out of insecurity…or fear.  However it started, it is probably now more a habit than anything. It may seem innocent enough…after all, it’s only in your head.  But make no mistake…words do hurt. And you’re only hurting yourself.

Think about it. What are your fears? Speaking in front of a group?  What is it you would like to do that you wish you could do if you only had the guts? And when you actually think about doing that very thing, what thoughts go through your head?

Take some time today to listen to what you’re actually telling yourself on a daily basis. Because even if you don’t believe those words, you’re still listening to yourself and those words will eventually have an impact.

As much as we all love to get encouragement from other people, we often have to be our own cheerleader. And often, believing in yourself and believing in positive things about yourself is often the first barrier into achieving our dreams and enjoying our lives.

You Are What You Believe

On By femmefuelIn Best of Bindu Adai-Mathew, FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, Mind Body Spirit ConnectionLeave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

It was 1994 or 1995, and I was glued to the television screen as I watched Tracey Gold share her struggle with anorexia. At the time, I, too, had been struggling with an eating disorder. Like most people who are going through an emotional/psychological struggle, you often feel alone and feel like you’re the only one going through it. But as I watched Tracey, I was surprised that she, a Hollywood celebrity, could share my feelings of inferiority and feeling “just not good enough.” Now that I’m older, it seems silly as many of us have come to think of many Hollywood stars as the most narcissistic and insecure people.  But at the time, her thoughts, feelings resonated with me…that is, until she said, (and I’m paraphrasing) that you really never completely heal from an eating disorder…how it’s always with you…and how, like many addictions, it’s something you’ll battle for the rest of your life.

As soon as she said those words, something deep in me rejected her words immediately. I recalled the happy-go-lucky teenager I had been just a few years ago who was naturally thin, who never had to watch what she ate, who never really thought about food except when she was hungry. But somehow my insecurities and my narcissistic attempt at perfection eventually led me down a path, where, like JMathis, I began counting every calorie and focused all my thoughts on food, exercise, and watching the scale. This wasn’t me! This couldn’t be God’s plan for my life! As I heard Tracey share her thoughts about eating disorders being a permanent struggle, something inside me arose, and I said audibly and forcibly declared, ‘No! I refuse to believe that God can’t completely heal me to the point where I will no longer struggle with this.” I knew in my heart of hearts that God, if He wanted to, could return me to that person whose thoughts didn’t continually and obsessively focus on food and calories.  He had made the lame to walk and brought the dead back to life. He could heal me as well. I knew it, and I believed it.

It didn’t happen overnight…but praise God, He did eventually restore me to wholeness once again. He not only healed me, but he restored me to the point where food and counting calories were no longer an issue. At least no more than it was before I had started down that path. I knew later that moment where I knew and believed God could and would heal me was crucial in my healing.

AbbyA calls it self-talk. But what are you telling yourself about whatever body issues you are struggling with?  Do you believe healing and restoration are possible?

If not, I want to remind you that no matter how many years you’ve struggled, God can bring you back to wholeness.

Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.” Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed from that moment. Matthew 9:20-22

Top 10 Reasons on Why You Should “Get Busy” with Your Spouse!

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-MathewLeave a comment

Go to fullsize imageBy Bindu Adai-Mathew

I think as we read AbbyA’s and JMathis’ posts, we women all had to nod our heads in agreement. We’ve all been there, in one form or another. After all, which woman who is knee-deep in baby poo, with a ton of dishes in the sink, and a growing pile of laundry is actually in the mood for anything besides some help from their spouse and some shut-eye?!

Like all things in marriage, differences are inevitable. Excuses are understandable, and they’re often legitimate…but be careful, or that two-week dry-spell can quickly mushroom into three weeks…four weeks…

As we close out this month’s topic on boys and as a lead-in to our weekend countdown (and even more to put a smile on your face as we do), I have comprised a list of Top 10 reasons a’la David Letterman style to encourage you on why you should start gettin’ busy with your spouse…

10.  Because it’s one of God’s commandments.

9. Because studies have shown that it’s known to improve your overall health and add years to your life. (Of course, if you get busy with someone other than your wife, it’s been known to reduce your life span a’la vengeful wife!)

8. Because it’s cheaper than a night out on the town!

7. Because it would make your husband happy….very, very happy. (And all the men said…AMEN!)

6. Because it’s the most fun you can have in 10 minutes or less!

5.  Because you gotta eventually get some use out of all that lingerie you got at your bridal shower!

4. Because let’s face it…you could use the exercise!

3. Because for men, it has less side-effects than a sleeping pill, and for women, it’s an easy way to get your hubby to konk out so you can control the remote!

2. Did I mention it would make your husband happy? Really, really, happy!

And the # 1 reason you should do the horizontal tango with your spouse is because…drum roll, please…

1.  What else you gonna do? Desperate Housewives is in re-runs…

That’s all folks! So get out and get busy! (And that only goes for you married folks! You single folks can…um…watch those reruns again! 😉

Basic Instincts

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, June 2011 (Men and Boys)Leave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

In her Chasing Cars blog yesterday, JMathis described how we as women often spend much of our lives chasing things, approval, and especially love. And sometimes the more it passes us by, the more we seem to yearn it. Why is that?

While men are characteristically the “hunters,” I think women are no less programmed with that predatory, hunting instinct. Don’t believe me? Think about the last time you were at a major Macy’s Shoe Sale…or the last time you were at the mall during holiday season…or the last time you were at a wedding with plenty of other twenty-something women and few available single men. Think about the term “Cougars.”

And why is it Mr. Unavailable is so much more appealing to us than Mr. Nice Guy? Is it because Mr. Unavailable is running away from us and therefore, bringing out our base human instinct to pursue?

Perhaps in the end, as much as we think we women have evolved as a society, we are still no better than the “Me Tarzan, You Jane” biology that men use to excuse their sometimes archaic, caveman behavior.

 Or maybe it’s even more complicated than that.

Do you recall the first time you fell in love? Do you remember how your heart soared, how your feet felt light, how your hands felt clammy, and how your stomach felt like it was about to regurgitate your last meal? Wasn’t it the most amazing feeling?

I remember the first time I fell “in love” like that…I remember the unexpected surge of energy, the heart palpitations, my inability to sleep as my thoughts obsessively centered around that one person…it was like I was on drugs or something…

And while most of us have felt that addictive, euphoric overload at one point in our lives, haven’t we all known people who seem to be in love with being in love?  They can’t help it, they tell us…they just love LOVE! Think of JLo…and Kim Kardashian.

And according to psychiatrist Judith Orloff, who wrote two books on the subject, being “in love” can create the same chemical reactions in our body that drugs can cause: “As a psychiatrist, I’ve seen how intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and intuition in the most sensible people. Why? Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. The brain in this phase may be much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the area that “lights up” (becomes active) when an addict gets a fix of cocaine is the same area that “lights up” when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction.”

Wow…the first time I read that, I felt like I finally got a true glimpse into the appeal of cocaine and other drugs…if I could bottle up the feelings I felt around Mr. Perfect and create a pill to replicate the euphoria, the excitement I felt when I was around him, I could make millions!

While lust can eventually lead to love, there are dangers in allowing our hormones to rule our heads as Dr. Orloff goes on to warn us, “In the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection — you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be — rather than seeing the real person, flaws and all.”

In the words of Joey from the show, “Blossom”: WHOA!

Finally, for the first time, when I think about the crush I had on Mr. Perfect so many years ago, I began to see why I felt I was so addicted to him…because in a way, I truly was. I was addicted to the feelings he evoked in me. And I realize much of my early feelings were based on not who he truly was, but what I imagined him to be in my own imagination…like the novelist I now aspire to be, I created a fictional character in my head.

So to build on JMathis’s analogy, I wasn’t just chasing a car…I was chasing a fictional car! Ah, even better!

So the next time you think you’re “following your heart” and in hot pursuit of the unattainable, your “I just can’t help it” feelings might truly be valid…you now know that you do have science and biology backing your claims. But just also keep in mind, while you may excuse your decisions and behavior as “you’re just following your heart,” it may not be your heart that is truly guiding you…

 The human heart is the most deceitful of all things. Jeremiah 17:9a

The Rear View Mirror

On By femmefuelIn FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, May 2011 (Motherhood)Leave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Yesterday AbbyA implored us to face the woman we once were. Warts. Freckles. Moles. The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly. She reminded us of the freedom we can have when we live our lives, not in the shadows of shame of denial, but in the light, the true light of forgiveness and redemption.

Today as you drive to work today, to drop your kids of to school today, to run errands…wherever you are headed today, I encourage you to live your day, to live out your life, looking forward and not fixated on what’s in the rear view mirror.

We have all felt that sharp, searing pain that shoots right through our gut when we reflect on past decisions we wish we could have changed. A different career path. Arrrgh. Buying that “investment” house in 2005 that is now underwater. Ouch! Not pursuing our passions with more passion. Sigh. The list of decisions we wish we could change can go on and on.

Unfortunately, often we get so caught up on reflecting on our mistakes that we begin to live our lives like we were driving with our gaze fixated on the rear view mirror. And as we do, we no longer can see what we have to look forward to …instead, all we can see is what once was, inevitably also missing what’s surrounding us.

But what if I told you with utmost confidence, despite all your mistakes, your wrong decisions, your wrong turns in life, you are right where you are supposed to be? What if I told you that those aren’t just words of encouragement from me, but that God promises us that same thing? The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Psalm 37:23.

I think of Joseph in the Bible. His life story seemed over. He had obviously reached a Dead End.  Falsely accused of attempting to rape his employer’s wife. Stuck all the way down in a dirty, disgusting, slimy prison pit. Sure to be forgotten by his family, by even God. But at the right time, he was elevated. Not only from prison but to second in command of Egypt.

I think of Job who, too, had reached the end of the road. He somehow lost it all. His children. His wealth. His own health. His own wife encouraged him to curse God and die. Eventually though, after all that pain and suffering, we are told God gave him double.

You, too, do not have to continue your life looking back. You do not have to torment yourself with “what ifs.” Even if you have reached an impasse in your marriage, a dead end in your career, you can still get to the place where God had destined for you. He can redirect your GPS and get you to where you were meant to be all along.

 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalms 40:2

 In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

The Truth About “Happily Ever Afters”

On By femmefuelIn Best of Bindu Adai-Mathew, FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-Mathew, May 2011 (Motherhood)Leave a comment

 Go to fullsize image

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Once Upon a Time…most of the stories I read as a child opened with those famous four words. As a kid, I loved fairy tales. I loved the adventurous stories, like Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, but I’ll admit somewhat sheepishly that I especially had a soft spot for the princess storylines…especially the sweet sappy Disney versions of Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast. Unlike JMathis, the idea of being treated like a princess was very appealing to me. Very, very appealing.

Once I was in high school, my love of fairy tales transformed into the medieval bodice-ripping romance novels of yore, and in college, my love of the princess-themed fairy tale romance further evolved into the “Romeo and Juliet” storylines of Indian/ Bollywood movies that I became obsessed with.  And most recently, while I no longer believe in fairy tales, romance novels, or Bollywood-like romances, I, along with 2 other billion viewers, woke up in the wee hours of the morning (okay, I admit, it was closer to 6am) to watch a modern-day fairy tale. Middleclass commoner Kate, er I mean, Catherine, Middleton meets and marries a real life Prince William Charming of Windsor, complete with the requisite blond hair and crown.

The carriage. The royal guards in uniform. The medieval church. The hats. All that Pomp and Circumstance.

Sigh. For a few moments, I was once again transformed into the wide-eyed eight year old who watched Princess Diana’s wedding in awe, believing that Cinderella stories really did happen.

But years later, I, along with the whole world, would later learn that Diana’s life was no different from ours. In fact, in comparison to most of ours, it was probably emotionally much worse. Despite all that fame, privilege, and royalty, she experienced pain, loneliness, eating disorders, affairs, suicide attempts, divorce, and sadly, an untimely death. Unlike the fairy tales, she got her “once upon a time,” but she never got to fully experience a “happily ever after” here on earth.

As I watched Catherine and William’s wedding, though, I was struck that while I was absolutely smitten by the grandeur of the occasion, I no longer needed to believe or even hope that they would live some type of fairy tale type of existence. And somehow, for the first time, I felt that while we (all 2 billion of us) were struck very much by this “once upon a time” experience, we all collectively seemed more interested that they truly also have a chance to experience a “happily ever after.”

As I think of my own daughter and what “life lessons” I want to pass on to her, I realize whether she’s a tomboy like JMathis or a Disney princess daydreamer like me, I want her to know that her own love story can be as unique as she is. I want her to know that she won’t turn into a spinster maid with warts on her nose when the clock strikes twelve on her 30th birthday (as I feared).  I want her to know that if she does fall for a frog, accept he’s a frog…and if she falls for a snake, accept he’s a snake and move on rather than wasting her time, hoping to change him into her version of Prince Charming (as many of my friends have learned the hard way). Because in the end, he’ll still be a snake and she’ll just end up with a bunch of snake bites. I also want her to know that happily ever afters are not always blissfully happy. There are good days, bad days, and many in between blah days. And it’s okay.

But most of all, I want her to know that unlike the fairy tales or Bollywood movies that end with a wedding, the real story is in the happily ever after.  Unlike those fairy tales, the happily ever after is not the end of the story…on the contrary, it is only the beginning.