Category: August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships)

Goodbye, Friend

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeFeatures by Sasha KatzLeave a comment

By AbbyA

Truthfully girls, I hate goodbyes.  I don’t just hate them.  I avoid them.  I pretend they are not there.  I ignore the person who is leaving before they even leave so I can forget that I have to say goodbye.  I hate them.  And I hate them some more.

I want to have one brief goodbye.  I don’t want to go to any dumb go-away party so I can pretend that it’s just like old times and the person really isn’t leaving.  I don’t want to say goodbye two or three times.  Once with family, once with the girls, once you and me.  Just leave, will you!

I want to have about 15 or 20 minutes to spill my guts, tell you I love you, hug you and kiss you, shed salty tears down my cheeks and on yours.  I want you to remember how much I love you and get the heck on your way.  Don’t linger more than a minute or two.  Smile back at me and get in your car and leave!

So, I am not like Peter.  I am not going to forbid you to leave.  Matthew 16:22.  Because, yes, I get it.  God has a plan for you.  An (initially) rather lame plan that makes you far from me.  But I do get it so I will let you go.

I am not like James and John.  I won’t demand that you take me with you or put me in your spare bedroom where you are going.  Mark 10:35-40.  I only want an invitation to stay with you a few times a year and to hear your voice regularly.

I hate goodbyes because I love you so much.  I gave you sacred parts of me while you were here.  And as I watch you prepare to go and then go, I love you too much to take back the parts of myself that I have already given you.  So, I hold onto you like a hook on a fishing line until you leave state lines.  Then, instead of taking the bait and swimming off.  I let you pull off of a piece of my flesh as you go.  I want you to keep a good, juicy chunk of my heart so you don’t feel lonely on your journey.

That is why I hate goodbyes.  They leave me broken for a while, but I just love you so much.  And I can’t help it.  So, please, leave if you have to.  Don’t ask me why I won’t talk to you.  If you invite me to your stupid go-away party, I’ll come and either act fake and refuse to face the facts or won’t talk to you at all.  And, don’t expect me to plan the party either, because I won’t.  So, there you have it.  Goodbye.

The Golden Rule

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by Bindu Adai-MathewLeave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Most of us recall the Golden Rule, which is also scripture, from our youth. In one of my elementary classes, it was emblazoned across the top of the bulletin board and seemed to be the first rule of thumb that our teacher wanted us to know and practice. Rather than have a long laundry list of rules that itemized unacceptable behavior, such as do not push, do not hit, etc. It seemed that it was the one rule that covered the need for an endless list of rules.

It’s also a great guideline for friendship when you think about it. I think about those lost friendships, those toxic friendships, and those stagnant friendships that we have talked about over the past two weeks. I think about JMathis’ post yesterday. Conviction is the word. Have I always treated my friends as I hoped they would treat me? Have you?

More than likely, most of us have failed to follow it. But let it be your guide as you respond to the people who cross your path today. Let it be your guide as you continue to nurture and/or restore your friendships.  Let it be your guide as you make new friends.

With Conviction Comes Revelation

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by JMathis1 Comment

By JMathis

The Holy Spirit has brought the Writer Femmes to our knees this month, as every notion we previously held about friendship has been dissected, tested, crushed and revolutionized.

We innocuously chose the subject matter of Cultivating Friendships as a nice, plain vanilla, non-threatening segue for the MeetUp we will be holding in a few weeks. “Wouldn’t it be great to discuss friendships as we meet and make new friends this month?”

How naïve we were to think that it was us navigating the helm of this subject matter? How arrogant was it of us to believe that we had some authority or command of knowledge about this topic?

Little did we know that this month’s theme would render ourselves speechless, lacking the very words that we thought we wielded with such ease and skill. Being left wordless over such a seemingly benign topic such as friendship is embarrassing for writers, even amateur ones like us, with day jobs so far removed from our shared love of the written word.

Yet, God had completely different plans for this month and for these writers.

Conviction.

Yes, this month has been a period of unhinged soul-searching for us. We have questioned God and cried over lost and toxic friendships; we have repented with remorse over destroyed and damaged friendships; and, we continue to celebrate the friendships that dare to challenge and defy us to move beyond our comfort zones—even if such friendships only existed for a short season in time.

Amidst the flooding of these bittersweet memories of our friends, many of which are painful and raw with emotion, comes conviction. Conviction to become a better friend. Conviction to become a friend like Jesus. With this conviction, comes revelation. Revelation on how to become a better friend. Revelation on how to become a friend like Jesus.

Revelation.

Yesterday, we were writers, writing often for our own vanity and self-promotion, relying very much on our own insight and inspiration.

Today, we are still the same writers, with many of the same flaws, baggage and insecurities we held in the past. However, today we write with a bit more revelation and a slight glimpse into our purpose for writing: to show God’s relentless, unending and passionate love and friendship towards His children.

With this revelation, we are no longer just writers aiming our pens towards some particular demographic or subset of women. Today, we realize that we are writers who have also been called to be prayer warriors and intercessors on behalf of our readers.

Today we unveil our Prayer Requests page, where you can leave a prayer request and know resolutely that there are three of your friends who are on their hands and knees agreeing for you to hear God, feel God and know God in your daily walk.

While we may never meet in person, and while we may never know your real name, know that God has given you friends here at FemmeFuel who have your spiritual back, so to speak. Whatever you are facing, know that we are your friends who will call the Lord into remembrance over your plight, your need or your struggle.

Show us the areas of your life where you are in need of prayer and healing. Let us be that person in your life who stands with you in love and friendship.

You don’t have to go on this faith journey alone when you have friends.

Teach us how to be a better friend to you.

Teach us how to be a friend like Christ.

Teach us about you.

My Dad’s Friendships

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by Sasha KatzLeave a comment

By AbbyA

Most of you know about my daddy.  There are parts of my journey of being his daughter that didn’t really begin until I said goodbye to him on a cold, December morning.  His blue eyes that I stared into before he set out to heaven have become a sort of roadway into the man that I didn’t get to know every detail of while he lived here on planet earth.  Not to say that I didn’t know the depth of his love or how much he adored me.  It is the missing details.  But with God, all things are possible – – even finding the depths of a heart and soul after his time share on earth shifted to heaven.

After a long day at the football field, my loving husband drove the four of us to the beach.  A local dojo honored my dad and a few other fallen warriors at its annual seminar.  I had three people in mind to see.  Two were there.  A few more were unexpected.

Donna J. grabbed me and hugged me in her strong arms – – just after she had finished teaching her portion of the seminar.  She told me things like it had been too long, about her summer Alaskan trip.  She loved on my kids who were about the same age as me and my brother when she first met us.  She talked about my daddy.  About his faith and his perseverance in the last few months of his life.  This is what I hoped for.  I didn’t want these relationships to pass away with my dad.

I unexpectedly sat next to a gent who went to high school with my dad and trained in the same Miami dojo.  He told me my dad was “bad” in those days.  In the best kind of way.  🙂  I talked to another high school buddy who I hugged as he shed tears over my dad.  We exchanged contact info.  This is what I came here for.

In the blur of my dad’s funeral, I have in my heart many, many words of those who loved him, but fewer faces and names.  Fast forward a year and a half.  Ray P.  It was his dojo, his seminar.  His words.  His warm face that closed the seminar in a tradition of my father that I was not aware of.  He stood at the front of his dojo and asked each karateka to lower to bended knee and he prayed out loud over the day, over the people there and over the teachings of the day.   In the name of Jesus Christ.

You see, my dad found himself in front of seas of martial artists over the years.  Speaking and teaching.  Teaching and speaking.  People from all backgrounds with a common love for martial arts.  This I knew.  I also knew like the back of my hand his commitment to Jesus Christ.  I did not see in action nor fully know how he brought his faith into the limelight of his profession.  Thanks, Ray P.

When we had a chance to say hello, Ray P. told me that my dad opened and closed every seminar and symposium in prayer.  In the name of Jesus Christ.  I saw that God pressed on Ray P.’s heart to be bold with his faith.  He said that not every person would agree, but everyone respected my dad for his convictions.  I sense that Ray P. is expanding his faith with a gentle spirit and a love for Jesus.  His faith calls for that same respect within his reachable audience.

Thank you, God.  For my dad’s friendships.  Thank you God for building more of my dad in me through these friendships.  Through Ray P. and Donna J. and others, what is unknown is made near and known.  What God makes complete, Friends embellish.  There is no end to the unexpected ways that God decorates your soul.  Friends.  Friendship.  Thank you, God.

Changing the Definition of FRIEND

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by JMathis2 Comments

By JMathis

Say it out loud:

Friend.

Friend.

Friend.

When you hear the word being expressed from your lips, images from the past begin to flood your mind. Yearbook pictures, sleepovers, late night telephone conversations, football games, happy hours, getaway weekends and girls’ nights out.

For many of us, negative memories may also come rushing in as you hear that word: outbursts, fights, the cold shoulder, a broken heart.

Once in awhile, as you embark upon a new school year, start a new job, play for a new softball team or enter into a new bible study group, the word friend ushers in thoughts of hope and new beginnings—the possibility of friendships to come, and rich relationships to be gained. While you haven’t met these individuals yet, your mind starts to race and imagine what your future friends might be wearing, the types of places where you will be hanging out together, the different foods you’ll be sharing—you can almost hear the sounds of your collective laughter.

Say it out loud:

Friend.

Friend.

Friend.

What is often missed in the articulation and hearing of this word is the vision of the friend in need. Rarely when we hear the word friend do we imagine ourselves in the company of the homeless, the mentally ill, the imprisoned, the abused, or the elderly.

Often when we think of individuals who are down and out, they are still the other—tragic people in need of assistance and charity. You immediately assume that they need you more than you need them. You think to yourself that if anyone needs a Savior, it is most certainly them.

What you never do is imagine or think of them as your friends. They are merely subjects and objects of your benevolence project at church or your community philanthropy group.

Does that make us bad people?

After all, we go to church every week, we donate money every month to charity, and we even organize the occasional workday with Habitat for Humanity. We put all of our energies into being good people, because certainly, that is the type of friend that God wants, right? A good person, right?

Oftentimes, we pray to God earnestly and search the scriptures about how we can become a closer friend to Him. Before going to bed, we turn off the TV, lie under the covers, and start having a conversation with this deity with whom we claim to have a personal relationship. You close your eyes smugly, and think, Ahh, I just had a conversation with God. He truly is my friend. This is what it is like to be a good person.

Never does it cross your mind that to be a friend to your Creator, you must be a friend to His creation.

Jesus is already here on earth, embodied in the tattered clothes of the homeless man you briskly walk by on the way to work every day. In the eighteen year old mom who serves you coffee every morning, who works to feed two little mouths back at home. In the elderly man bagging groceries for you because his social security check can’t make ends meet.

If you want to be a friend to Jesus, you must be a friend to them. The other. The people you pass over each day.

A future friend is not just someone you stumble upon at a dinner party, or get seated next to at a wedding.

A future friend is someone who you see everyday at the grocery store, who is choked by the worries of this world. A future friend is someone at a shelter, who no one else will befriend.

A future friend is not necessarily someone who is dressed to the nines, with a martini glass in her hand.

Say it out loud:

Friend.

Friend.

Friend.

Are you ready to be a friend to people who are truly in need of a friend?

Are you read to pray to the Lord to reveal a new friend to you?

Are you ready to change your definition of friend?

Matthew 25:31-46

New International Version (NIV)

   37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

   40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

   41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

   44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

   45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

   46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

The Ultimate Friend

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeFeatures by Bindu Adai-MathewLeave a comment

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

Last week I described how many of my friendships have changed over the years. Some that I thought would last forever were suddenly and surprisingly no more. And some grew distant over time. Most of those friendships I reluctantly had to let go once I realized that I was the only one who seemed to still want it to continue. But there is one friendship that I have often neglected…that I take full responsibility for. The sad part is that more than any other friendship, this is the one friend who deserves nothing but my best…and I am sad to say, my friend doesn’t always get that from me.

I met my friend when I was 9 years old although I knew of him much earlier. Him. Yes, he is a He. Yes, my husband knows him as well, and they, too, are friends.  Actually, my friend is the one who was really responsible for bringing me and my husband together, although he probably doesn’t get enough credit for that.

My friend has been through it all with me. Ups. Downs. Happy times. Sad times. He’s been with me when I was single and lonely. Married and happy. Often when my hubby and I don’t see eye to eye, it is he who calms me down, who makes me realize that I’m being too stubborn…or selfish.

My friend reads me like no other. And he’s seen the ugly side of me and still manages to love me regardless.

My friend is thoughtful, considerate, generous, loving.

My friend prays for me…all the time. He intercedes to our Heavenly Father on my behalf.

I can call him any time of the day. Morning. Noon. Night or day.

My friend has been there for me, especially when my other friends couldn’t be. Even when I was too busy to make time for my friend, he patiently waited for me.

My friend is the Ultimate Friend. Loyal. Faithful. Honest. And True. Better than anyone or any friend I have ever known.

There is also one other thing my friend has done for me…often many will say they would do this but he not only says he will…he has already done it. He died for me. He died so that I could live.

He is such a good friend that I would be a horrible friend to you if I didn’t introduce him to you. His name is Jesus. And what he did for me, he also did for you.

For those of you who already know him, this is a reminder to you that he is not only your Savior, your Lord, your Provider, your Healer…but he is also your friend.

While other friends may abandon you, He will never leave you. He never tires of being there for you.

You can talk to him like you would to any friend. And he can comfort you like none other.

And here’s an old hymnal reminding us of the great friend we do have in Jesus:

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
May we ever, Lord, be bringing
All to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
There will be no need for prayer—
Rapture, praise, and endless worship
Will be our sweet portion there.

Christie A.

On By femmefuelIn August 2011 (Cultivating Friendships), FemmeBytes by Sasha Katz3 Comments
Abby A and Christie A

By AbbyA

We walked into each other’s lives at a dinner party.  Her work colleague was my best friend N.  N’s last gift to me before moving far away was the promise that Christie A. and I would hit it off perfectly.  Towards the end of the party, we sat down at the long dinner table and confirmed the few things we both already knew.  Yes, we went to the same church.  We were both lawyers and fairly newly married.  That’s it and we were off to the beginning of one of the sweetest friendships I have ever known.

Christie A. is a tough cookie.  She flings words around like – See you later, loser or You’re a dork – like it’s nothin’.  Me, on the other hand, I have a medically confirmed non-existent level of testosterone and surplus of estrogen.  In other words, thin skin and sometimes fluffy.  Christie A. finds all of this hilarious and tells me that it explains a lot.

Christie A. and I share a seriousness about the things of God.  We have sat on her plump couch snuggled in blankets sharing our souls over conversations that I think must be in His Book of Remembrance.  Malachi 3:16.   She is the kind of friend that I get so excited to see – – so much so, because I know we will get a chance to talk about God and spiritual things late into the night.  She will undoubtedly offer for you to sleep over.  And, most of the time, you can’t resist the comfort or welcomeness of her home.

Christie A. loves things like Pepperidge Farms cookies and red wine.  She loves orange and blue together for some incomprehensible reason.  She loves her boy N.V. and her man.  She follows rules, breaks them when necessary and stands up to fight when she is called to it.

She’s undergone pain and loss.  First through almost losing her boy N.V. shortly after his birth.  Later through almost losing her marriage.  But this woman doesn’t clam up or give up.  Even when she is lying broken on the floor, she grasps onto truth and life.

God has plans for her beyond her wildest imagination.  I think she is in a place where she can see that now.  I am the friend who found just enough favor with the Lord to see just a glimpse of what is ahead of her.  I am the friend who at times has been able to share with her what I see in that glimpse.  God has made me one of the many vessels in her life.

And, she has been a vessel to me by leaning away from her tendency to be opaque.  By being transparent.  By choosing to trust me.  By telling the truth.  By being steadfast.  By prospering out of the pit.  By going against her grain to wear her heart on her sleeve just to be my friend.  That is my friend, Christie A.