Cracks

On September 12, 2014March 20, 2016 By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha KatzLeave a comment

I have a crack in my heart because forgiveness just made new sense to me. I don’t mean to say that my heart is broken. The hardness in our hearts, that we all have to one degree or another, just got a crack. The crack is in one of pillars that holds up the hardness.

It’s not easy to scan your heart for hardness. We tend to be numb to our hard spots. Especially when the love of Jesus resides in us. In our efforts to be like Him, we move and we grow, sometimes right around the hard spots. Because God is so good, He loves us as we mature and is pleased by the hope that expands in our hearts. But somewhere in the growth of God in us, we run out of space. The hard spots finally show themselves. They have to go so that we can grow.

I’ve been thinking about this concept of forgiveness. I’ve been thinking about what it means. The thing that keeps coming to mind is treating the person you have forgiven as if the offense or pain never took place. I’ve reached a quagmire at this point. In my heart, I think about the sheer freedom of forgiveness and the idea of treating someone you love like the #$%#^#@& never happened. I literally feel the wings take off in my heart when I think about what that would feel like in real life.

Oh, but real life. #$%#^#@& did happen. And, for some of us, #$%#^#@& happened often or for a long time or maybe even right now. My thoughts consist of 1) how do I make the habit of forgetting the past, 2) how do I transcend to the point that I can trust God whether or not I trust the other person, and 3) how do I, in the right pace, build my trust in the other person? I have a few more what ifs swimming in mind, but I don’t want to give you anymore ideas to freak you out in your own relationships. I am going to take a leap of faith and believe that some of you do a really good job with trust and forgiveness. From friend to friend, ride this one out with me.

For me, part of my ride stopped with the good kind of crack in my heart. Philemon is a little tiny book of the bible. I am not even sure if I could have told you Philemon was a book in the bible until God put the name in my head about a month ago. The whole thing is probably less than 500 words, but the Lord just keeps showing me bits and pieces of it each time He leads me back to it.

I think this is God’s idea of forgiveness: If then you count me as a partner, receive him as you would me. But if he has wronged you or owes you anything put that on my account. Philemon 1:17. It’s Paul talking, but the Holy Spirit delivers it to me this way – – Sasha, if you count me as your partner, receive the him as you would Me. But if he has wronged you and owes you, put that on My account. I then think about the Savior of the world, who gladly took my sin, who knows that my heart doesn’t have the power or strength to forget the wrong against me or what is owed to me. He just offers me to put it on His account. That is power of a living God whose love travels down to the deepest parts of our souls and back to the heavens.

I am all about asking for favors lately. Favors to friends for other friends. Favors from you so we can learn from one another. Today’s favor is that you ask God to find some hard spots in your life, in your heart of hearts. Ask Him to make some cracks.

What are you holding on to?

On September 5, 2014March 20, 2016 By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha Katz5 Comments

Think about the deepest place you have been with the Lord recently. If you have a troubled heart, you are probably crying out to Him. If you have a conflicted heart, and you don’t know what to do, you are probably seeking His wisdom. If you missed the mark and know it, you are looking for redemption.

At the heart of our conversations with God, we get to a place where we know He is real. The person of God comes close and . . . gives you rest from your tears . . . gives you answers that you did not expect . . . gives you a path for redemption. I am talking about that place, when you know deep in your soul, that He has taken you somewhere close to His holiness. And, for that walk of your life, He changed everything.

This past spring, God gave me the fantastic idea to take off from work Fridays over the summer and spend the time with Him. That request shook my feeble heart. At the same time He offered me the invitation to be with Him, He gave me a new friend. Since she was a new friend, we could not stop talking about who we are and how we got there. Sort of like speeding up the friendship so we can get real, fast. At the same time God gave me my Friday invitation, He also gave me Madison’s mama on a week long camping trip.

One evening, we sat in the dim light of the cafeteria, and she told me the story of how God recently showed up big beyond her wildest imagination. Part of her story had to do with specific sums of money showing up in the exact amount of her dire needs. As I am listening to the ins and outs of her God story, I start to cry. Pretty loud crying in a pretty quiet place. I feel the Lord impressing upon my heart – – He gave me this extraordinary story of trust, so that I can do the take off Friday thing.

After sharing God’s invitation with my accountability partner, LeAnn’s mama, she told me to trust God and do it. So, what did I do? I didn’t take off one single Friday this summer. We had a couple of vacations that brought me out of the office on Friday, but every time I had the chance to trust God with my time and money making hours, I didn’t. I just didn’t.

My excuses included, 1) what would my employees think about my work ethic, 2) will people think I am lazy or absent from my responsibilities, 3) do I really feel comfortable claiming that type of time for myself and 4) what will really happen if I obey, it probably doesn’t make a difference anyway. Rather than come up with a bunch of cuss words to describe my excuses, I’ll just call them what they are – – sin.

Now, a few weeks after summer’s end, I find myself seeking God for that deep, deep place. I hear Him challenging me to not just get to the deep places of His holiness, back off and start again later. But go to the place of depth and seek Him to push beyond. I see that place in my mind and heart like a carrot waving in front of a rabbit. The drawing feeling of something you are about to enter and you are just about to turn the key. Like the first time the girl enters the Secret Garden. The Lord is just waiting for me to enter into the garden of His depth. I think that my summer was supposed to be about that.

So, all of this about me, to say to you, that I am sure that there is something you are holding on to. I am sure of that because we are not in heaven. You have a lot of excuses like I do. Some come across as very justified, but they are not. I know for a fact that you are braver than me and can let go of the thing, go do the thing, step out into the thing . . . before the thing expires. You don’t need to wait anymore to do the thing you are supposed to do. Please do it. And, after you do, tell me all about it. I’ll be encouraged to the thing He calls me to do. At the very next redemptive opportunity.

What do you want?

On August 29, 2014March 20, 2016 By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha Katz1 Comment

When I look at the moon and the stars twinkling above, the tiny lights remind me that He is near. There is no space between us. When I look at the sun’s rays beaming through clouds in the morning, the streams of light speak of His power. His hands are able to move all things in the direction of His will. When I see still water reflecting the skies, I think of His peace. He is never impatient and always on time. Sometimes when I breathe, I see that He is right there giving me air. He is our life line.

I don’t think that there is anything we want more than to be in His presence. To be in His vicinity. To be in close quarters with a God who never gives up. Who is always working on our behalf. Who, out of His own love, brings us deeper into a love affair. A love affair with a God who is a Savior. Who holds Eternity. And, who, at the same time, holds our hands. He is very, very big, but His love travels down to the smallest parts of our person.

He sees in our hearts the potential of what we can be. Each and every day. In each and every moment. He doesn’t act in light of our humanness, but in light of His godliness. He doesn’t act in light of left turns or rebellions. He acts in light of who we are capable of being through His love. He doesn’t act in light of our weaknesses, but in light of who He knows we can be when we are standing with Him. He doesn’t act in light of us, but in light of Him.

If you are able, slow down to the stillest, quietest place you can walk your mind to. In that silent place, where color radiates in iridescent white. Where a walk beside pure waters feels like a good journeys end, but does not end. Where time has become a feeling a timelessness. Slow down to that place and walk with Him. And, once you have walked for awhile, ask Him what He wants for you.

What hogs your space?

On August 22, 2014March 20, 2016 By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha Katz1 Comment

I was driving my morning route today, and I was feeling pretty good. Driving in on time, not too much traffic, nice blue skies, good music . . . but, the embarrassing, vain part is that I was primarily feeling good (i think) because I liked the way my make-up came out. I have been fighting with this black Bobbi Brown eye liner gel . . . and I somehow decided that I got it right today. After a few minutes, I have the feeling that I am feeling a little too good about the make up scenario. I am starting to laugh at myself. God knocks on my heart and says . . . Is that all it takes to make you happy? So if you like your physical appearance, you feel good? But, if that’s not the case, then what? Right God, You are right this morning. That’s when I smile and feel the real kind of happy in my heart. The truth in love feels good.

We are so easily swayed. The flesh is always right there waiting to drop in and hog the space in which your spirit resides. I am thinking about my very private friend whose name I will not mention (except that she lives in Florida so as not to confuse her with any of my other very private friends living elsewhere). She told me recently how she struggles with her mind going in directions that eventually cause her to question her purpose in this life. As I watched her talk, I connect with her struggle and think about how often our flesh draws us away from the Spirit of the Living God. Think about how powerful the coupling of the flesh and the human mind can be. A thought leads to a thought leads to another thought and you, who are so closely connected to Jesus, are now questioning the purpose of your life.

Now, think about how powerful the coupling of the spirit and the human mind can be. A thought leads to a thought leads to another thought and you, who are so closely connected to Jesus, are now scheming how you can minister to children on the other side of the planet. Planning to send a note to a friend with an encouraging word. Figuring out how you can give to a ministry more than you planned. When my mind is in accordance with the spirit, I am overwhelmed with lists and lists and lists of good works that I can do in my home, in my community and for my friends. My thoughts and lists of thoughts are so uniquely God that I am entirely confident none of it comes from my own silly brilliance. My own silly brilliance is flattened by God ideas and thoughts. So, why is it so hard to keep the mind and the spirit on the same team?

There is no doubt that you and I have enough to do to keep us busy until our final date with life on earth. None of our to-do lists will squeak out even a moment for spiritual things. The answer is intentional feeding of the spirit. I rely on email devotions and note cards on my office wall throughout the day. If I find myself veering away from the spiritual things that come my way, then I know that means I need to take a moment to read that verse, quote or devotion. I need to remain intentional about feeding my spirit if I want to keep my mind connected to the spirit. The alternative is losing my spiritual space to a hog called flesh. The alternative is missing out on a whole spiritual world of opportunity. God has keys to an extraordinary number of doors that we will never get to open unless we are intentionally letting Him into our mind. So He can lead our spirits far away from that stinky hog called flesh. Need I say more?

Thanks to Kaitlayn Bouchillon for this inspiring illustration of the word.

Unpublished

On August 15, 2014March 20, 2016 By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha Katz1 Comment

By Sasha Katz

I ran across an anonymous quote – – We all have chapters we would rather keep unpublished. I love this quote. The more I think about this quote, the more I love this quote. In fact, I was listening to the Wally Show this morning and the contest was to judge who had the best mind blowing quote. I am going to go with this one.

My assumption is that, most of you reading this, are ladies. We girls have so many moments that we would be happy to claim unpublished. The view my mom and husband got when I was pushing my first baby out. Must stay unpublished! How about the time my ex-step grandma proceeded to pull out everything she could find between the cushions on my couch, including coins, stale chips, popcorn, popped balloon pieces and other moldy junk. She piled all the stuff she found in front of her on the coffee table – during a family party. How about on my 20th birthday when everyone was going around the table telling their very best story of me . . . and my nine year old brother told about the time I walked down the hall and “let it rip!” Really. Should have been unpublished.

Don’t judge my life to be easy or simple by these goofy better off unpublished bits. The real stuff that we don’t want published is the stuff wrapped about pain and shame. The stuff we do retakes of in our mind 100 times over. But the retake in your mind doesn’t take away the real thing that went down in your her-story.

I have to tell you there are not many people out there who have retraced their steps as many times as I have. I hate to think that there are many of you out there who have asked God to forgive them for the same thing over and over again for a full decade. I hope to think that it’s mostly me. But, at the ripe old age of 39, I have let it all go. God has let me remember each and every wretched, sinful thing I have ever done. Everything that I am ashamed of. That blasphemed His name. That soiled His spirit in my temple. That was hypocritical, selfish and self-serving. That deeply hurt others. Everything that made a mess of the real me He knows me to be.

In His grace, there was a purpose to all of my laundry lists. I had a cross over point some time ago. I realized that, if I would let Him, He was intending to wash my mind, spirit and soul of the part of the girl that had gone all wrong. Instead of folding my laundry and putting it back in my closet for me to wear again and again, He was separating it as far as the east is from the west. For as often as I could bring a sin to mind, He was there to send it off to the bottom of the sea. I don’t know how He does these mysterious, miraculous works in us, but He does.

I once read an author who pondered the hours Jesus spent hanging on the cross. The author proposed that the time He hung represented the time it took to forgive in advance each and every sin committed by humanity. In addition to the physical pain, imagine what it was like for Jesus to bear all of our sins. You and I know a little about that because sometimes we bear our sins on our own. We know how bad that hurts. I don’t think we can imagine what bearing all of earth’s sins feels like – – coupled with the physical pain. It sobers you. It tugs at the part of you that has the capacity to feel gratitude; it tugs at the part of you that has the capacity to be merciful to others. It tugs at everything about you that you wish went unpublished. Because you know He had to suffer to make you clean and new. To make the unpublished you, Published.

This post was inspired by Connie Inman’s pin of the quote herein. Thanks Connie!

The Power of Impossibility

On August 9, 2014March 20, 2016 By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha Katz1 Comment

By Sasha Katz

If you think about all of the times in your life that you were down, crushed, broken or hopeless, there is always a strain, grain or thread of impossibility. Even when you force your hurt or beat up self to be practical, problem solving or option seeking, impossibility eventually strikes your potential plan and you are back to square one. Like a deer in headlights, you stop when you come against impossibility. There are circumstances in this life where change feels impossible.

We all have been there. Impossibility comes in the form of lack of funds. When I was heading back to law school for year two, my grandma wasn’t able to help me out anymore. I had no ideas and no funds to cover the deficiency. I was already working and my loans were maxed. I had no more human capacity to make up the difference. I sat with the financial aid counselor (who I had no idea was a believer) and she said that a man had left a trust fund to my school for scenarios like mine and she had the authority to give me what I needed for the year. And, then she said – – Your Father knows what you need. God blew out what I viewed as impossibility.

Impossibility comes in the form of relationships. It was not that long ago that I determined that my husband and I would not see eye to eye on tithing to our church. We had been fighting about it for more than a year. My prayers seemed useless because our battle just heightened each time we went to war on the issue. I think it was in the middle of one of our furious matches on the issue, that I was sitting at the dining room table, and a resolution occurred to me. I probably yelled the resolution instead of suggested it the way the Holy Spirit had gently put it into my mind. But, in any case, my husband yelled back, FINE (or whatever form his agreement came in). Resolved. Years of fighting pretty much resolved in one Holy Spirit moment.

Impossibility comes in the form of loss. I didn’t know this pain until my dad died just before Christmas of 2009. We spent some time talking about legacy at our couples bible study this week. It brought me right back to my dad and my memories of losing him. Right now, I see his clear blues eyes looking into my eyes of the same color, not just on the day he walked home to the Lord, but on every intimate occasion throughout my life. There were moments during the first year after his arrival to heaven that stopping the radical tears and pain seemed to be an impossibility. His blue eyes and the healing of the loss of them took the gentle hand of the Lord washing over me, the wise counsel of my mom and time.

I don’t know exactly what impossibility looks like for you. I have impossibility even right now. It stops us in our tracks and pushes back the mind and heart as you search for ways around and through impossibility. I also don’t know what your break through looks like. I don’t know what mine looks like either. However, I have learned that it is beyond me to know how it is that the Lord plans to make possible what is humanly impossible. And, really, it doesn’t matter how many times in a life that we face impossibility – – when it appears, it is real.

We certainly have the option to believe that He does impossible things rather than the hopeless alternative. We have the option to let those close to us pray for us and minister to us. We have the alternative to talk to the God of impossible things. And, even if our prayer seems feeble, useless or powerless, if our prayers sound insufficient, small minded or limited, they are worthwhile and received by the God who planned from the beginning of time to take you to the other side of impossible.

The Greatest Love Stories

On August 1, 2014March 20, 2016 By sashakatzIn FemmeFuel by Sasha Katz, Love1 Comment

By Sasha Katz

A few weeks ago, I was walking over the bridge looking at the reflection of the morning sky in the canal. In my heart, I thought about the moment God made the creative decision to put reflection on the face of the water. My thoughts about His motivations caused love to overflow in my heart. Creation is the expression of His love. I am water-logged with thoughts about the expressions of His love through creation.

For a long, long time, I have been in love with the romance and depth between Ruth and Boaz. I shut my eyes and think of what it was like for Boaz to wake up with Ruth on the surface below him. Where she was waiting for him to see her. To accept her marriage proposal. In the blue glow of midnight. I think about the months before as she walked Boaz’s fields collecting barley. Under his promise that she would be safe in his meadows. Their love story began in fields where Boaz first noticed Ruth. I have to think that the fields brought out the golden amber in her skin. I have to think that she glanced at him through the waving field that was the distance between them. I think about their love in light of blue of night and amber of day. We express our love in the midst of His creation.

Ten years ago I read Donald Miller‘s Searching for God Knows What. There is this mind blowing chapter that envisions Adam and Eve’s love story. He suggests that Adam was a sort of lonely naturalist naming and categorizing the planet’s animals for about 100 years before he met Eve. All that time, Adam did not find someone like him that he could connect with. When Adam finally sees Eve for the first time, Miller describes that Adam was seeing a person who was like him, only more beautiful, and smarter than him in the ways of relationships. He must have thought to himself that she was perfect, and after a few days of just talking and getting to know each other, they must have fallen deeply in love. This is all among God’s creation. They fell in love in the midst of His creation.

Driving one afternoon, I listened to Dr. Bob Barnes and his guest ponder woman as night and man as day. It’s a deep thought that just like the Spirit hovered over the waters and carved out darkness and light, He carved out of His image woman and man. Just as he named the light and darkness to complete the first day, He created Adam and Eve to make something really good together. Something complete. Out of His creativity and love.

Miller says that sometime after Adam and Eve fell deeply in love, he must have gone on a long walk with God and thanked him. When Boaz expresses his love to Ruth for the first time, he called her blessed of God. That’s a kind vertical and horizontal gratitude. When I look at the sky’s reflection in the water, I am humbled and inspired and amazed and entirely grateful for the expression of His love in creation.