Whole in His Holiness

Go to fullsize imageBy Bindu Adai-Mathew

Daughter. Sister. Wife. Mother. Friend. Employee. Aren’t there times when you feel like there are so many pieces of yourself that you give away throughout the day that you feel as though you have nothing for yourself, much less God? Since becoming a wife and especially after becoming a mother, between work and my family, I often feel like I am being pulled, tugged, twisted, and yanked in so many directions…and while at times I have no idea which direction I’m headed, the only thing that seems clear is that I’m further and further from accomplishing my personal dreams and goals.

I recall the person I dreamed I would be by this age. Married. With Children. That part doesn’t seem surprising. But yet even after marriage, for several years, I didn’t recognize the person that stared back at me in the mirror. The medals and trophies that line up my parents’ living room, tokens of a bygone era of accomplishment, now lay tarnished amongst my current reality—the reality that the person who was once voted “Most Likely to Succeed” by her graduating class now seems anything but successful and accomplished. Often I felt I was no better than one of the statuettes I had won in my earlier days. Like them, I was tarnished. Stashed away in the corner. Forgotten. Stuck in the past. Old. Hollow.

Somewhere, somehow, I had gone missing…in my own life.

But as JMathis reminded us yesterday…we are “missing no longer.” Despite our pasts, our wrong mistakes, how we’ve been wronged, God knows us. He knows every hair on our head. He knows our pasts, and He knows our future.

Once I realized that no matter where I was…in a good place…in a bad place…all that mattered is that I get my focus back on God. It is while basking in His light that chases the shadows of lies away, that illuminates the truth that was there all along. When I focused on that rather than my own life and my own mistakes, doors that remained shut slowly began swinging open. Regret began melting in my heart, and I could once again start living my life, believing that I was right where I needed to be. I was right where God wanted me to be. Soon my “wrong” turns weren’t so wrong.

Even recently an open door now seems to be shutting. And while I waded in self-pity for a few days, I soon straightened my shoulders and began looking around for my next open door. For I know the truth.   God promises us blessings and a future.  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Daughter. Sister. Wife. Mother. Friend. Employee. Child of God. All these are fragments of me, but it is the latter than makes me truly whole. It’s the latter that allows God to fill in those gaping Holes, piecing everything together, making me Whole in His Holiness.

You Are What You Believe

By Bindu Adai-Mathew

It was 1994 or 1995, and I was glued to the television screen as I watched Tracey Gold share her struggle with anorexia. At the time, I, too, had been struggling with an eating disorder. Like most people who are going through an emotional/psychological struggle, you often feel alone and feel like you’re the only one going through it. But as I watched Tracey, I was surprised that she, a Hollywood celebrity, could share my feelings of inferiority and feeling “just not good enough.” Now that I’m older, it seems silly as many of us have come to think of many Hollywood stars as the most narcissistic and insecure people.  But at the time, her thoughts, feelings resonated with me…that is, until she said, (and I’m paraphrasing) that you really never completely heal from an eating disorder…how it’s always with you…and how, like many addictions, it’s something you’ll battle for the rest of your life.

As soon as she said those words, something deep in me rejected her words immediately. I recalled the happy-go-lucky teenager I had been just a few years ago who was naturally thin, who never had to watch what she ate, who never really thought about food except when she was hungry. But somehow my insecurities and my narcissistic attempt at perfection eventually led me down a path, where, like JMathis, I began counting every calorie and focused all my thoughts on food, exercise, and watching the scale. This wasn’t me! This couldn’t be God’s plan for my life! As I heard Tracey share her thoughts about eating disorders being a permanent struggle, something inside me arose, and I said audibly and forcibly declared, ‘No! I refuse to believe that God can’t completely heal me to the point where I will no longer struggle with this.” I knew in my heart of hearts that God, if He wanted to, could return me to that person whose thoughts didn’t continually and obsessively focus on food and calories.  He had made the lame to walk and brought the dead back to life. He could heal me as well. I knew it, and I believed it.

It didn’t happen overnight…but praise God, He did eventually restore me to wholeness once again. He not only healed me, but he restored me to the point where food and counting calories were no longer an issue. At least no more than it was before I had started down that path. I knew later that moment where I knew and believed God could and would heal me was crucial in my healing.

AbbyA calls it self-talk. But what are you telling yourself about whatever body issues you are struggling with?  Do you believe healing and restoration are possible?

If not, I want to remind you that no matter how many years you’ve struggled, God can bring you back to wholeness.

Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.” Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed from that moment. Matthew 9:20-22